How much time does your partner spend on Facebook/Instagram/social media?

[DearDinah]

This has bugged me for a long time now, but I don't know if it's becoming a common trend in relationships.
I have tried to talk to DH about the lack of time spent together, he's at the gym every night during the week, sometimes the only time I see him is half an hour in the morning before work & half an hour when he gets home before he goes out again, I'm usually in bed by the time he comes back. Weekends we have chores, or he'll be doing some sort of challenge either for charity or his gym buddies, we don't go anywhere nice, I have to go nice places in my own with other family members, he's not bothered, I don't think he likes my family much anyway.
I'm 23 weeks pregnant now & thinking this is the last time we're going to get to be alone together so try to bring the subject up, he says he does spend time with me & gives examples, the trouble is this 'time' together is in front of the TV or with his family members and at any occasion he has his phone in his hand for hours & hours on Facebook. Is this a normal way to live now?even when he's being spoken to, he'll answer but not lift his eyes off the screen, I've lost count of the number of times I've raised this as an issue but it seems to fall on deaf ears.
I'm totally out of ideas to encourage him to participate in married/family life.
He did lose his mother in February, so I am trying to be very careful that it may be grief that's separating him from us, but it has been this way for a long time even when she was still here (she had cancer for two years) not sure if his behaviour has been an escape? But it's hard on me & on his father & sister who want family nearby, he even went to the gym for 3 hours on Monday while I had tea with his family. It's just odd & I feel totally overwhelmed.
He's seeing a st Luke's counsellor once a fortnight but it's always on a Friday night, after work & before a gym class he really enjoys so I'm not sure he's talking at counselling as he'll be so stoked about his class he just wants to get away!
I know he's not having an affair, he really is that obsessed with the gym & building his body, his classes are like a cult they have a group chat open on FB 24/7 & talk food/protein hits/beast mode in jokes etc.

From a male perspective...

I'd find that slightly odd. Was he like that before the pregnancy, and are you noticing it more now as you're conscious it's as you say 'the last time you're going to get to be alone'?

My partner doesn't have many hobbies at all herself, she likes to look after the house and spend time with me, but she's quite a workaholic. In contrast, I enjoy cycling, and I'm a bit of a petrolhead so I also enjoy tinkering with my car. We're not pregnant, but I can't ever imagine a situation where she would go for dinner with my family and I wouldn't. That seems odd to my mind. I factor in my hobby time when my OH is at work so it doesn't intrude on our own time together.

I've got no direct experience of losing a parent yet thankfully, but I'd have thought it entirely possible IF the amount of time gym'ing it now is much more than he did previously, that perhaps that's his way of dealing with the grief?

The other thing that's possible is body building can get very addictive, it's not beyond the realms of possibilty that if he's using steroids or supplements that he's developed an addiction to it?

My partner loves the gym, literally obsessed with it... but we still have time for each other, go out to places alone or spend time with our families. He has a quick look on fb before bed but that's about it x

Dh obsessed with Twitter more so than fb or anything else. He literally checks it every few minutes. It's very hard to get him to switch off from it.

As a man

He could be using steroids - that could change his mood (look out for spots)

3 hours in the gym - I am a bit of a gym junkie - no one trains for 3 hours

At a MEGA push 90-100 minutes any more than that is counter productive.

I think he is suffering from the realisation his life is about to change completely and wants to be the 22 year old with his mates - it could be a final fling.

tell him...

When baby comes phones and ipads get put in a cupboard and there is no gym for hours after work if I have had baby all day...

If he wont change....

LTB

I might be totally out of order here but....who does all the housework, shopping , cooking etc. ? If it is you then why should he ever change his ways ? He has a live in housekeeper ( mother substitute ) , someone to have sex with whenever he feels like it and he is still able to lead the single life with no worries about how to keep his home clean , clothes clean etc.etc. He is able to spend as much time as he likes with his hobbies and friends and if he feels like a bit of nookey when he gets home , well, there you are wanting to spend time with him and ready to please . This even sounds good to me !!!
Before your baby arrives you need to lay down some ground rules .... and fast . Once the little one arrives you will be well and truly trapped , particularly if you will be relying on him financially . Also , there is no way. I would be spending time with his family whilst he does his own thing in the gym . I would be making sure that I was not in the house when he gets home ( not every time but now and then ) and also be too " tired " or " busy " to make him a meal . If I were you I would also be maintaining my friendships carefully .... it sounds as if you may need them in the future .This man wants a slave not an equal partner .

I am sorry if this sounds really harsh but I have seen one of my lovely friends treated like this for years and her pig of a husband never has anything good to say about her .

^^^ what she says

I was out, never had a chance to do the washing sorry - get into beast mode and do it yourself....

No food in the house - sorry

Does he want a wife or flatmates...

None whatsoever.
He doesn't have a pc or laptop, has no internet at his flat, is often away for work & does not have any kind of cyber footprint apart from his private e-mail.

DH and I do have a tendency to spend the evening on our laptops but his FB habit is perhaps 15 minutes a day at most - he spends more time on Pinterest as he is quite visual and is gathering some truly fab art on there. Also we usually eat together at the table every evening with ds.

Neither of us has a smartphone. If you ask him, would he/you think about returning to the dumbphone era? It does help not to have FB on tap at any moment. I do think if I had a smartphone I would MN even more.

I have to agree with 4seasons. My partner was very much like you describe (except replace the gym habit with a binge drinking one.) Unfortunately he did not change and because abusive when I challenged him (I'm not suggesting that this will happen to you. Just pointing out that it may not be as simple as asking him to change...he will have to make the effort.) I LTB in December.
I agree with PPs, make sure you have strong friendships as you are likely to need them for support.

I'd stop doing his laundry and cooking for a little while. Tell him you feel unappreciated.

Good luck. I hope he changes soon.

Thanks for the replies & advice, he makes his own meals & does the shopping because he eats differently to me to fit in with his training, I certainly think he's addicted to body building, it never used to bother me so much until he joined a group who train seriously hard, they are like a cult, often during their 'classes' someone will leave to vomit! That's what he spent 3 hours on Monday doing. The trainer of this group has a mantra that you have to train hard & attend every class or you are letting yourself & the side down, he follows her dietary & training advice to the book, I think it's nuts! I'm not sure if this all came about when his mum got sick, perhaps he got a little too paranoid about health, I don't know I can't remember now. I'm certain steroids aren't involved he's far too health conscious, he has to know what's in everything, my cupboards are overflowing with 'clean' foodstuffs.
I don't mind so much being alone with his family we've become close since DMIL became unwell, but if I could I would choose that he spends his time with them and not with his gym 'family'
He has a charity event in this weekend, it will take him away from home all weekend, I'll let this go but will have to make it clear afterwards he spends his weekends with us, making the life with me he promised on our wedding day.

Probabky 5-19 minutes checking up on his water sports bunch. They are very prone to rearanging lifts, trips and where they want equipment at the last minute.

Sometimes they post silly pictures.
Oterwise DH is in his study reading data sheets, the news and then more geek.

He can be tempted out by the Simpson's and food.