Genuinely ambivalent about having children?

[unnaturalwoman]

I am 37 and I just don't know how I feel about having children, I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and he would be a good dad I am sure. I think I would be a good mum, and that I would love my children if I had them but I have never ever actually felt the urge to have a child. I keep waiting and waiting for it to happen and it never does. I like babies they are interesting to watch and to see them develop. I feel like most people know one way or another they either really want a baby or don't want one at all but I don't feel that way.

I lost a chunk of my life in my 20's and early 30's to caring for an ill family member and to my own health issues. Due to this I only finished my education last year (MA) and I do want a career in my field. The truth is I am not ready for children now but I don't really have the option of putting it off due to my age. I worry I will change my mind or that I will regret not having children in my old age but what I might regret isn't a good enough reason to have a baby. I always felt I should really want one, that wanting one was normal but I just don't crave a baby.

What happens when you are genuinely ambivalent about having kids? Did all of you who had them actually really want them or did you have them because it was what you were supposed to do? Did you feelings about having kids before you had them affect how you felt after you had them?

I also read on here about the strain kids can put on a marriage and how difficult some women find it, how they feel they lose themselves when they have children, I feel scared by all that.

No one can be one hundred percent sure they want kids, because you don't know what it is really like until you have them.

The disadvantages of having kids are pretty obvious and easy to imagine - the expense, loss of freedom, sleep deprivation etc. But the good points are much harder to imagine - the overwhelming love you feel for the little person you have created.

I wasn't one hundred percent sure before we had dd, but I knew I would regret it if we didn't. I never really got the urge to have kids right now, but I was headed for my mid thirties so thought I had better get a move on! Having her was the best decision ever - I love her and I love being a mum

I don't think you should have kids if you feel like this .
I was exactly like you.
I had 3 . they are utterly wonderful but if I am truly honest I probably should not have had any. There. I've said it

Thank you both, your honesty means a lot to me. I think its true most people who have them love their children and can't imagine life without them, I am sure I would be the same but I have a choice right now and want to make it wisely.

I should say my husband is the same as me really, if I really wanted a baby he would support me but is happy for it just to be us two.

I could have written your post two years ago. Including taking care of family member.

I did SO MUCH thinking, as I knew deadline was fast approaching. DH was easygoing, never needed kids but wouldn't refuse me.

Did broodiness ever hit? Not really. But I looked into the future and it seemed quite repetitive without kids. Even though we were so happy, the two of us. Still....40 more years of the same easy routine? Where was the next adventure??!

And yeah, we had freedom but its not like we were going out clubbing anymore!

So at 38, I asked if we could try. He said "sure". Am now 39 and pregnant.

Am suprised at how excited I am. Am SHOCKED at how excited DH is. I've no doubt it'll challenge us with colic and reflux and sleep issues, but we're best buds, we should get through it.

Am I broody now? Not like other women who ache for children, no. I want to see this little chap because he's a bit of us, but still feel fairly unmoved around other babies. But this one will look like us, and be a bit thick in school like us, and burn too easily like us. He'll be family!

And what an adventure! I look into the next 40 years now and see a rollercoaster. So much more fun!

I always knew I wanted kids - came from a big family and it was the done thing.

I absolutely adore my DC, especially now that they are really developing into lovely individuals, but it has been hard work.

Cons:
Body is wrecked - stretch marks, weight gain, varicose veins and fanjo stretched beyond recognition.
Sleep deprivation, hormone induced madness
Impact on career - maternity leave, reduced hours working, loss of promotion prospects, endless worry about childcare
They cost a lot

Pros:
You get to share someone's life with them, from the start, and really influence (hopefully for the better) what sort of person they develop into.
A new found love of building lego and playing computer games, and trampolining.
It has really grounded me and given me a purpose in life that is completely different to anything I have ever done before.

I felt like you, DH always wanted kids, we considered breaking up over it when we first discussed living together in our 20s but decided we loved each other too much to split up over a possible future. We now have three children under 6, I only felt broody before the third pregnancy. I'd say the big advantage of having children is you stop wondering if you should have them. I have no idea if it was the right decision or not. The kids themselves are more or less fab (eldest two are mostly wonderful at the moment, youngest is in the depths of toddler tantrums so mostly not at all wonderful at the moment) but the work and stress of family life has been very hard on our marriage, we had been together 12 years when I got pregnant with the eldest and were rock solid, now we argue much more due to sheer exhaustion. And we don't have any money worries, and are on the same page WRT household and childcare responsibilities, it could be a lot worse!

I think the idea of a universal, female urge to have children, is something of a media myth.

Some people know they want children. Some have never thought about it. Some get overwhelmed by an all consuming need to have children. Some are distinctly ambivalent about the idea. Plus a full range of feelings in between.

Any of the above groups may, or may not have children!

If it's any comfort, I know of 4 women who fall into the never thought about/distinctly ambivalent groups. 3 of the 4 had children, one was my own DM :) All the children were and are dearly loved by their parents. So if it happens or doesn't, it'll probably be ok!

I was genuinely ambivalent about having kids. I never thought I'd have them and neither did anyone else. My mum used to say about my first born 'this is the child I thought I'd never see'. I've never married, I was a career girl, mid 30s, my own place, never even close to marrying and settling down.

However I had a lot of problems with contraception. I couldn't take the pill for medical reasons and was one of the ones who had horrendous problems with the mirena coil (which I ended up having to have removed under general anaesthetic). It was the cap, condoms and all that - then I met this bloke in the village where I lived. We hit it off, I was spending a lot of time at his place, so we let out my place and I moved in with him, the condoms became an inconvenience and eventually went by the wayside, and I just thought, if it happens, it happens. Not a very responsible attitude I know, but I'm being honest.

And it did happen. Two years later I had two kids, and horrendous post natal depression to the point where I was very nearly committed. I was very ill - but that's a whole other thread.

Those first years were awful and I really did struggle and wonder sometimes what the hell I'd done. Having kids changed me beyond recognition and not in a good way.

But I got better. I ended up splitting up with him and I've brought my kids up on my own with no financial input from him at all. It's been bloody hard, money's been tight and I won't lie - there have been times when I've been in the depths of despair, and there have been times that I've thought why the hell did I ever have kids?

But ... the majority of the time it's been wonderful.

I've got two gorgeous, happy, well adjusted teenagers. We all get on great together and our home is a very happy place. I have a fantastic relationship with them, a thousand times better than I had with my own parents, and I'm so, so grateful that I had them.

I don't have money, no partner, a clapped out old car, I live in a rented house now and have very little in a material sense to show for my years of hard graft, but I look at my kids and think they are worth more to me than all the material things I don't have, put together.

Thank you for all your responses. It sounds like for people who have children, they are always loved and never regreted seriously.

I guess the issue for me is that I imagine if I had them I would love them and although it might be really tough my husband and I would stay together, it would be rewarding and a major life experiance but it would alter the path of my life, change who I am and the kind of things I could do. For the next 16+ years my personal desires, needs etc would come second to any child I might have.

I may as well come clean and say I hope to work in the creative arts and being able to express myself in that way is probably the most important thing to me aside from my relationship with my husband. Of course I could still do some work if I had a child but I think about all the things I wouldn't be able to do if I had a baby.

I feel bad that I put self expression over selflessly caring for a baby. I feel a bit like my life has never got properly started because I have already been putting others needs ahead of my own. When I see the future I see how if I spend the next few years caring for an infant, by the end of that stage I will have elderly parents who might need my help more. Like a lot of women (and men of course) I see my life ebbing away in service to others and that scares me so much. I do worry about feeling resentful.

Still I could spend the next 10 years trying to follow my dream and not succeed and then it will be too late, right now I am not sure I would mind but you see it all the time about the women who never bothered about babies when they could have them and now bitterly regret not having them.

I don't want children for environmental reasons (one of those people who is 100% certain) but would consider adopting, if I ever get broody (early 20s, single, no urge previously or currently). I don't want to say much more because it's a huge thing but it is something you could do at a slightly older age. More stress, maybe, but a brilliant thing to do.

I was totally ambivelant, having children is the social norm so there was definitely a sense that I should consider motherhood because that's what women do. I come from a dysfunctional family and was in a dysfunctional relationship so there was no urge to complicate my life. I got pregnant at 34 and it wasn't exactly planned but despite being sensible and looking at alternatives (termination) I quickly realised that I was going through the motions because actually I wanted to be a mother. I am glad I'm DD's mother but If I hadn't have got pregnant when I did, I don't think I would have made the active decision to become pregnant and therefore a mother.

I didn't know whether I wanted children, agonised about it for ages, got pregnant sort of accidentally, had one girl and then another three years later. On balance, I'm glad I did; I think the world is a better place for having my girls in it. The worry, though! It is crippling at times. That's probably the only downside - I don't care really about being poorer than I would have been, or not going out as much. Also I'd probably still be smoking, and drinking too much, if I didn't have children.

For you though - I don't think you should feel bad that "you put self expression over selflessly caring for a baby" - having a baby is far from selfless! The world does not desperately need more people in it. You've already spent a large chunk of your adult life selflessly caring for other people, I don't think you need justify your reluctance to do that again soon. Honestly reading your last post I think you are more leaning towards not having a child; the only reason you give in favour is that you might regret your decision in years to come. I don't think that's a very compelling reason for children, on its own.

Good luck with whatever you decide - but definitely stop giving yourself a hard time, is a complicated enough decision as it is!

I had children mainly because dh was broody. ds was conceived pretty much the week after we decided to try for a baby and dd was a complete accident! Very hard first years and then lots of good stuff for the next ten odd years (they are teens now and still great, but I am aware that they may not stay that way!). dh and I are however planning the next phase of our lives and looking forward to making decisions just for the two of us again. Lots of living to do! We had our children at the end of our twenties though so a bit different, I do think it's more disruptive later, although I don't know if there is ever a right time, and I know lots of very happy older mums (I just look at their toddlers and think never again/your lovely but I'm glad I'm not living with you!)

I was recently staying with my aunt (unmarried no children) who has had/is living an interesting and obviously enjoyable life and she told me how much she enjoyed being an aunt and the relationship she has with her nine nephews/nieces and eighteen great-nephews and nieces. My dead mum however still thinks that she must be very sad for not following her path to a family - there is a lot of pressure on women to want children I think, and absolutely nothing wrong with deciding against it, especially if you have other passions to explore. Plus in the creative arts I think lots of opportunities to share that with children if you find you do want to play a more nurturing role at some point.

I have always felt like you. I didn't have children. Instead I found a new passion that takes up a lot of my time. Everyone needs a purpose, something they care about. Whether it is volunteering for a cause, bringing up children, or doing a job you care about.

As others say, other ways of living your life rather than having children, are just as, or in some cases more valuable. After all, Mother Theresa never had children, and yet she made a real difference to many people.

Only you can make this choice, but if you still feel ambivalent after all this time, then I think having kids probably is not the best thing for you.

Also the thing about regretting not having children in your old age? Sure you might regret it. And you might regret not doing a lot of things in your life. But be aware that there are lots of elderly people in homes, who have children who never visit them. That to me seems unbearably sad, and yet it is not uncommon. So I don't think you can have children on the basis of what things will be like when you are old.

Sorry only just read above where you talk about following your dream. You have a dream. Do you know how uncommon that is? If you have a dream, I would say that you will regret if you don't follow that. No you might not achieve it, that is not a reason not to try.

Annarose's post could have been me - apart from I am 41 and not yet pregnant.

I do not regret starting late, I will not regret it if I am not successful but I think I may regret it if we don't at least try. We have given ourselves 12 months and if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen; we will get on with our lives.

The complicating factor for me is the guilt I feel for my parents perhaps never having any grandchildren. There has never been any pressure from them but I know they would love it. They have no idea we are TTC.

I am writing a novel. Just this morning I was reflecting on how envious I was of people I know online who don't have children who are doing the same. It's not just the time but the headspace as well as there are worries & things to keep track of.

While pregnant with desperately wanted ds2 I finished my degree, in my mid-30s. I was finally going to have the career I never got to because of life issues. Ds2 has been a terrible screamer & hard work for two years, he's undergoing diagnosis for autism, he may have a speech disorder too. The person I am means I have made the decision not to go into teaching, it would be incompatible with how I want his life to be, the responsibility I feel towards him as a life I created. I've cried over this, but I don't resent this because he was so desperately wanted. But I only desperately wanted him because I'd had ds1, who was a surprise. Otherwise I'm not sure when or if I would have chosen it.

Children are fabulous, but they're hard work, they're mentally hard work. Both my siblings are child free by choice. They don't appear to have regrets and they certainly have more money and lovelier holidays and time for themselves. Some people see this as selfish, I don't, my siblings are lovely and certainly not selfish! In fact one is looking into fostering and the other is helping me out with ds2.

In your shoes, with your history and your hopes for the future and knowing what I know as a parent, I wouldn't have a child. But, as with all life, whichever you choose there will be some pangs of regret now and then for the path you didn't choose.

It's a really difficult decision. For a long time I did not want children and resisted DP who was very keen. I think if I had had children at that point it would have been a mistake. Having children has put a strain on our relationship and has been a major adjustment all around. Through choice I have mostly stopped working and really scaled down my hobby which are quite big life changes.

As it happens my hormones went bonkers when I was 36 and suddenly I desperately wanted children so when DD arrived two years later it was wonderful. None of the changes feel like sacrifices now, I feel this is what DD needed and it is my role and my pleasure to give it to her, but I am fairly sure that had I had DCs slightly reluctantly the changes would have felt a lot like sacrifices.

I found myself pregnant at 39 just weeks after moving in with DP. I had never, ever wanted children and felt like my life was over. I was planning on changing jobs and looking forward to a childfree life with DP of holidays, trips to the theatre, fine dining and so on. You get the picture.

Suddenly all that came crashing down and the decision to keep the baby was difficult. The pregnancy was then incredibly hard as I had antenatal depression.

Today I am sat here typing away, sleep deprived (unusually TBF) with a 4 month old DD on my lap. I ADORE her. She is my world and I am so glad I now have her. However, never did I think I would feel like this. Even a week before she was born I was considering how I could hand her over legally to DP to raise.

No one can tell you what you should do and whilst a child does bring boundless joy it is hard and you do lose a lot of freedom - "me-time" can be a thing of the past. There's no right answer but if anyone had told me 18 months ago I would be happy to put my career on the back burner, to permanently smell of sour milk and to put a small person's needs before my own I'd have thought they were mad!

I really miss my old lifestyle too but I am hopeful I can get some of that back in the near future. Not sure this has helped you OP but I've tried to highlight having a baby can change your life - for the best - even though you are very anti-babies!

I'm of the "unless both parties REALLY, REALLY want kids you shouldn't have them" camp. We're not talking about cars or televisions or something you can change or sell or buy a different version of if you realise you aren't as keen as you thought you were.

I thought I was career-minded until I had DS. Now he is my priority in all that I do, and while I still love my job I do it for him not me now IYSWIM. It is not easy, but nothing worth doing is I think. I never saw myself particularly as discontented, but I am a much nicer person these days.

I was 100% completely and utterly certain I didn't want kids. I even set up a childfree group and was interviewed by a couple of magazines about the joys of the childfree life.

Then I turned 40. The looming threat of lessening fertility and the dawning realisation that this was a time-bound choice (duh!) had a telescopic effect on my attitude towards having children. It's very strange how we don't really appreciate something until it's not there any more - or, at the very least, it's threatened.

I was very fortunate in that I managed to meet DP at 41 and got pregnant at 43. Now have lovely DS who is 20 months. Like Xena I had bad ante natal depression but it vanished in a flash with DS's appearance!

All that said I was also lucky in that I'd sorted out the career thing prior to having DS (retrained at 35 and found a great job in field I wanted to be in which I could return to part time after mat leave) so that part of my life was taken care of. I really respect your desire to follow your passion and find work you love. It's such an important part of your life for some of us.

This is a such difficult and very personal issue. I spent much time thinking and trying to draw wisdom from the stories of others. Looking back I would probably say that I over thought everything, which is a lifetime habit I'm changing now because it brings its own complications. ( I watched my non-anxious, non-"thinky" sister in law knock out 3 kids and then go on to get a great job afterwards, damn her :) ! )

As others have said there might be regrets about anything. And there might not be. The path of worrying that you might regret something, however, only brings more worry and, while understandable, is not very helpful.

Best of luck figuring it out.

I didn't think I wanted kids - 36 and single so thought if it happens, great, if not, there are loads of other things I'll be able to do.

Then fell pregnant totally unexpectedly and gave birth to DS on my 37th birthday - now feels like I actually wanted this all along, though of course if I hadn't had him I would never have known that. I am not someone who harks to what might have been either so I don't think I would have regretted not having kids if I had never known what it was like.

However now I have him, I am so so pleased I have experienced this. It doesn't have to wreck your body or leave you totally sleep deprived and unable to function! I still have a social life - gigs, glastonbury etc, I get enough sleep, I am doing well at work and starting a new business. I am lucky though that I was able to work flexibly and fit it all in around DS - and he is what makes everything worthwhile now.

As single mum I can't say what happens with your relationship, but for me, once the first year was over (definitely a big period of adjustment!), I definitely felt like myself again - just a different version.

I was like you too. I had no particular desire to have children, although I did have a vague unease that if I was told I couldn't then I'd be very upset, which indicated that I'd probably rather have them than not, although I still didn't feel any urge to have them.

If I'd married someone who equally wasn't bothered, or actively didn't want children, I'd have probably been ok with that - but as it was, I married someone who wanted to have 2 children, and that's what we have (So lucky!) - but I was 40 when I had DS1 and 45 when I had DS2, and I would love to have been younger, it just didn't work out that way.

Right up until having DS1 I was unconvinced about being a mum - but as soon as he was given to me, it was all fine and I loved it, and him. Ditto DS2.

But my boys are still only 6 and 1 - I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to cope when DS2 is the age DS1 currently is, as I don't enjoy that age as much as I love their babyhood! Everyone is different though.

What none of us can do, or predict, including you, is how you are going to respond to being a mum. I surprised myself and all my friends by being an almost attachment parent - a far cry from what I expected! - but you just can't know ahead of time what's going to happen.

Hope you manage to make a decision that you're happy with - but if you do decide to go ahead and have a baby, do it sooner rather than later. :)