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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling desperately unhappy tonight

25 replies

yoyo27 · 07/05/2014 21:46

Wondering if my health visitor should be my first port of call? I have a 5m old and wondering if it is a bit of pnd

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 07/05/2014 21:48

How long have you felt like it
how are you sleeping

Original poster
yoyo27 · 07/05/2014 22:20

Sleeping pretty well. And she is an amazing baby!!

Relationship is in trouble, so we aren't really talking properly, then tonight the kids have just really got to me. I've had a great day out today (forcing myself to get out and about more with my youngest two) and a good evening. Then tonight at bedtime I went up to say goodnight to my older four and their rooms are still messy. Now this I can appreciate is just kids being kids, but what annoyed me is that while I was explaining that if it isn't tidy I will get a bin bag for it all, they just completely ignored me and continued with the stuff they were doing!!!!!!

So I got said bin bag and put everything in it!!!!!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 07:04

Could be PND or it could be that you're living in a very stressful and frustrating environment with what sounds like no support. Five children is a lot to manage single-handed.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 07:06

BTW.... how old are the 'older four'?

Original poster
yoyo27 · 08/05/2014 07:27

10,8, 7 and 5. Then two little ones 18' and 5m.

Day to day life isn't stressful. Just boring. So I've started going out more and enjoying my days rather than just being at home. My 18 month old is currently in a hectic phase where climbing on the back of the sofa seems fun!!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 07:38

Boredom is pretty stressful IME, as is feeling trapped inside four walls, so well done getting out more. 'Not talking properly' with your partner sounds like another source of stress ... want to elaborate? Aged 10, 8 and 7 your older children should be able to contribute something around the home, e.g. keeping the place tidy and watching out for the smaller ones.

Sounds like you and your partner need to start talking properly and then engage the older children at least so that you're all working as part of a team. Not one woman trying to keep all the household balls in the air and struggling.

Original poster
yoyo27 · 08/05/2014 09:56

My older children do love to help out......especially my 8 year old. It was the insolence last night that got to me. They're not bothered by it. But I am putting a rota in place for them all to help out more. It's how they earn their pocket money.

My partner and I have always had issues, and more so as a step family (he has another two children that are here every weekend). That in itself can be stressful.

With him though, it is this ongoing Lack of appreciation of what I do. He doesn't see it at all. Doesn't see that I can't leave the girls alone for more than two minutes while I go to the toilet. That the ironing is an ongoing battle. He says if I am struggling then to ask for help. I don't see it as me struggling, just that I need to do it when convenient for ME to do it.

When I cook he adds something to it, when I earn money it's never enough (though he no longer knows how much I bring in as I don't tell him).

There is no 'we' in this relationship, no team. It's him and me.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 10:03

It's not exactly surprising that, if Dad treats you with contempt, the children think it's OK to be insolent towards you. 'Monkey see, monkey do'....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 10:07

"He doesn't see it at all. "

I can assure you he sees it. But, if he has no respect for you and thinks women are lesser beings put on the earth to serve men, then he doesn't care that you're struggling. It's very unpleasant behaviour. What stops you from telling him to leave?

Original poster
yoyo27 · 08/05/2014 11:04

Cogito, do you know what? I realised that last night. The other day for example, it was a weekend and it was 9pm. We let the kids stay up later at weekends and they were all tired. So I went "right come on, everyone to bed". Some did as they were told, a couple of them were still with him looking at a game on his phone. He didn't back me up and send them up.

I've asked him to leave on numerous occasions, but only in a row. So he thinks it is part of the row. He has left a couple of times when I've said it and stayed in a hotel, but not for long.

If it wasn't my house then I would take the kids and go x

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 11:10

Are you married?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 11:11

Still think its PND?.... Hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 11:12

it's... not its...

Original poster
yoyo27 · 08/05/2014 11:24

No we're not. My house I own with my exH.

And thinking about it, no. I just feel so low x

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 11:28

If you're not married and it's your property, you can tell him to leave any time. But you'd have to mean it & follow through or, like the other times, he'd not take you at all seriously. If you want respect, whether it's from kids, partners, colleagues or anyone else, sometimes you have to risk being unpopular.

Original poster
yoyo27 · 08/05/2014 11:35

When I said it last, he said "fine, but I'm taking (our daughter) with me". I couldn't risk that happening.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 11:46

That's a threat rather than a realistic possibility. When faced with someone who is issuing threats as a way to intimidate you into changing your mind rather than being reasonable and accepting your decision, you need help to get rid of them. His other behaviour has more than a whiff of bullying about it.

Original poster
yoyo27 · 08/05/2014 12:24

I agree.

I am making steps behind the scenes as it were to get things ready to get him to go. Keeping a diary of arguments, I have nearly £2k of savings that he doesn't know about, etc etc.

X

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 12:25

Do you have outside help? Family? Friends? Threats aside has he ever been aggressive or would you anticipate violence at all?

Original poster
yoyo27 · 08/05/2014 12:54

I once called the police and had it logged as he broke my laptop in two. He has never hit a person, just 'things' but I am not naive enough to think he wouldn't. I've been pretty vile too, but only when pushed and pushed (by words). Once he got right in my face and I pushed him away and scratched his neck. He Played a blinder in the dramatics on that one.

Nope, all friends are always too busy to meet, and those that could I am not close enough to. Family is an hour away but my mum is so self absorbed all the time (she wasn't even there for me when my exH had an affair and I moved out with four children under 6) and my sister listens but only with half an ear. Tried talking to her before but she ended up talking over me about something else!!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 13:06

Breaking things is classed as Domestic Violence so you're right to assume that he could get aggressive if cornered. You may therefore benefit from contacting Womens Aid 0808 2000 247, not because you need refuge but because they have some good information on how to get an abusive man safely out of your home and life. For example, it's advised to contact the police DV unit (101), tell them in advance that you are planning to tell him to leave and that you are anticipating problems. If it doesn't go well they are better placed to assist if they have prior warning.

Original poster
yoyo27 · 08/05/2014 14:14

That is a good idea.

I did phone them before when it happened, but couldn't get through! Tried a few times. I was completely ready at that point to get him out!!!

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Original poster
yoyo27 · 08/05/2014 14:15

What I have looked into if necessary is a local holiday village. If need be I could take the children there for a week. Would mean taking them out of school though :-/

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 17:04

Unfortunately, Womens Aid are in high demand and you have to keep trying rather than give up if they don't answer. Please try them again and be persistent. They can offer you refuge if you need it or they can give you advice on how to get this man safely out of your home. I think, as it's your home and yuu have five children, it would be best to go for the latter.

Original poster
yoyo27 · 08/05/2014 17:57

Yes good idea, I will seek advice, thank you xx

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