Best friends husband has left her for a beautiful, younger woman.

[Dibben]

I have had such a depressing and sad couple of days with my friend who's husband has just left her after 21 years together and two kids 12 and 10. She is 42 and they were together for 21 years married for 17 years. They were a great couple, she thought they were happy and has been totally blindsided by all this. He is 44 and has of sunday left her for a 30 year old, ex-model he has been working with for about year and been involved with for roughly half that time.

When they got together at first in their early 20's everyone said it wouldn't last he was then and still is although older drop dead gorgeous, movie star gorgeous and my friend (who I met in College when we were both 17) is not at all ugly but like me quite plain looking, a little heavy, never wore make up or glamourous clothes but when they met at club they both worked at he fell for her right away. She is such a decent person, very secure, very grounded and laid back. They did look an odd couple and people commented but when you knew them you saw how right they were togther, he adored her. She helped him build his career, gave him stability and focus and he has done really well, the down side is that he spends quite a lot of time away from home working in other parts of the country or Europe, she used to travel with him but once they had the kids and they were in school she stayed home for them.

He wasn't happy that she no longer came with him but he understood and he spent more time at home for a few years. Even when work picked up again and he was away more she felt they were still strong, I certainly got that impression from them. Sure they weren't joined at the hip anymore but when he was home they were a loving in couple in all ways right up until this last weekend.

My friend is just devestated by his choice to leave, she feel as though everyone who said it would never last and he would find someone more in his league are being proved right and worst of all she worries that he too felt that he was out of her league all those years and just stayed with her out of some kind of loyalty, the kids? I don't know. She hasn't even told the boys yet. I don't know what to tell her, maybe he just needs someone to be there for him 24/7 and with her focus on the boys he has found someone else, maybe he was always needy and liked having the upper hand in the relationship, maybe he didn't like that she was becoming her own person with priorities that were not all about him.

I just don't know. I feel a bit rattled myself over this. I am an average looking woman myself married to a very handsome man, I believe he loves me very much and has given me no sign that he no longer cares but if this can happen to her it could happen to me, to any of us! It just came so out of the blue.

I have no idea what to say, how to comfort her its horrible to think how he must have planned to leave while letting her thing everything was fine.

What has happened to your friend is nothing to do with how good looking her husband is. It has to do with the fact that he is an unfaithful twat.
There is no point being handsome if you're a dickhead.
Your lovely friend is way out of his league.
He has thrown away 21 years of sharing and his relationship with his children (they will never see him the same way again) cos he can't control himself.
He sounds like a pathetic man-child.
A 30yr old is highly likely to want a family of her own soon and he'll be back where he started.
Fool.
Talk to your husband, hopefully he can reassure you about his commitment.
Support your friend but don't let it bring negativity into your relationship.

That is a shame OP. What a shit he is to treat her and their DC like that. You sound a good friend - she's going to need your friendship more than ever. In time, she will hopefully regroup and come out the other side but let her know you are there for her now.

Maybe... he just thought with his dick. Maybe she didn't do anything wrong, or whatever she did it would still have happened. And maybe (as so often happens) he will come crawling back in a few months when he realises that Ms Ex-model is a bit dull / wants 5 kids / isn't the genuine person your friend was. Though maybe, she will be so over him by then.

It happens. All the time! And it happens with ugly men too, so there is no point in worrying. You sound like a great friend and what you can do now is just be supportive and a good listener and keep on being there if and when she needs a shoulder to cry on. She will feel devastate but this isn't the end of everything. She's still her, she still has a life and she will move on.

Agreed - it isn't to do with how good looking you are.
In fact, the ex-model is just as likely to be attracted to him because he is older, successful in business - or who knows, maybe she just likes lying cheating shits?

He cheated because could. End of. Nowt to do with anyone of the three of them's looks.

Your poor friend, it's bad enough without worrying about that too :(

Thank you for all your replies, I have told my husband and he thinks my friends husband is crazy to walk away from such an amazing women.

Its just that my friends husband, he was one of the good guys! He wasn't superficial or a cheater until now. Maybe its a midlife crisis?

I don't see where she went wrong other than put their children at the top of her priority list, she was still devoted to her husband though.

I will do my best to be there for her, she just didn't deserve this, I have thought myself he will soon change his tune when reality sets in but things will never be the same for them again. Its a tragic waste of marriage and family.

I am reminded of the lines from When Harry Met Sally

'what is she like?'

'thin, pretty, big tits. Your basic nightmare'

Written by somebody whose arsehole of a husband left her when pregnant for Margaret Jay! Yikes.

Your friend is going through a horrible time OP but it's not her fault. It's not down to her cup size or her hair colour or anything else like that. Her heart is broken because the man she shared her life with has made a classic fool of himself. She could have 50 boob jobs and a ton of botox and none of it would make him anything less than a fool.

He will cotton on to what he's lost eventually. I know of one marriage which was rebuilt after a few years in these circumstances. Like your friend the woman was a total diamond of a woman and her husband had to work bloody hard to get her back in his home after he'd been a total prat.

In the mean time she should take him for everything she's owed - including his pension. Be civil, be grown up, don't slag him off to the kids and wait for the whirligig of time to bring it's revenges as W. Shakespeare put it. He knew what he was on about.

I don't see where she went wrong other than put their children at the top of her priority list

I think most mothers, maybe most parents do this don't they? Women certainly get a load of flack if they don't! You can't win. But in no way would I see this as a problem. My DC are at the top of my priority list because they are children and they need to be top. If DP left me for that reason, I would still think it was the right thing to do.

It is nothing to do with her looks. My husband has just left me after 15 years together for a woman 5 years younger than me with no children. I am totally devastated, but one thing I know as I have met her before, she's no supermodel. Just a normal, average looking woman. Bit like me I guess. It's not the looks he's gone for it's the opportunity to shag around, the illusion of a new life without all the boring responsibilities, the flattery of attention from another woman.

My H too was a great partner and a great dad- as far as I knew we had a happy relationship, everyone said we were good together. Sometimes previously good men do terrible things. My H is like a different person, it feels like me and the DC are actually grieving for the husband and dad he used to be.

Look after your friend, she will need you! But don't let her believe this nonsense about looks.

Sounds like he's the unattractive one, I hope this doesn't ruin your friend's good confidence, she sounds like a lovely person. Beauty comes from within.

I agree, she is beautiful inside and out but she as everything seemed to be going so well she is grasping at straws for answers and reasons and the thing she keeps coming back to is her looks. I can appreciate how she feels because with my husband that is where my insecurity lies as well.

I don't know what he thinks he is doing, he is a smart guy who previously would have know the difference between real love and a twitch in his underpants. If it is a midlife crisis what happens on the other side?

We all can feel under appeciated, unseen, taken for granted in a long term relationship but thats no excuse to jump into bed with the next pretty face that gives you the eye.

I keep going over it in my mind I don't see any easy way out of this, even if he goes back to her. It scares me that such a great couple with s good marriage can end up like this, after 21 years you would think they would not walk away so easily. It just seems that even being in love, being happy isn't enough to be secure in your marriage because someone can still get between you and your spouse.

Its just so sad and heartbreaking.

yes, utterly sad and heartbreaking for your friend.

Yes he may come crawling back but he may actually go on to have a wonderful happy future with his new partner.

Everything may have looked lovely on the outside with the marriage but he may have been unhappy for years, and he may have genuinely found the person he wants to be with forever.

My best friend's brother did exactly this .He is 48. He left his wife of 20 years 4 years ago for a woman ( who happened to be 22) . Noone thought it would last.

He is one of the sweetest men I know - noone could believe it had happened. He said he had been unhappy for years but could never express/ admit it. Most people thought "what a bastard".

He is blissfully happy with his ( very lovely ) new girlfriend and they are getting married next month

4 years on his ex wife has remarried, is very happy . Everyone is happy.

HOwever your friend's husband he may be a complete dickhead who is thinking with his pants and it will all come crashing down.

• statistically is this more likely ? -I don't know , but I don't think it is helpful or accurate to conclude "Utter Bastard He Will Regret This"

isn't the point he was neither in love, nor happy?

you sound like a lovely friend by the way

The only reason he cheated on your friend is because he chose to lie, steal and sneak around. No level of plain looks or focusing on their children made him have an affair.

You need to be a stuck record on this point, whenever your friend tries to find a problem within herself or family.

Be ready for him to start rewriting history - "I haven't been happy for years" etc. He'll need to find excuses for his behaviour.

It is puzzling when someone appears to be acting out of character and seems to be throwing away a good thing. Far too easy to put it down to pat non-explanations like 'mid-life crisis'. Also far too easy to assume that their marriage was happy in the first place. Selfish, vain people rarely become that way overnight.

Focus on your friend rather than the ex or his new girlfriend. Keep her busy and be a listening ear. Your friend's confidence is going to have taken a huge knock as it is and she doesn't need more people pointing out that the new woman is a younger prettier model.

I think you have to be very careful not to place too much emphasis on the looks or age factors in this... neither has anything to do with it. It's all about mid life crisis, perhaps boredom and inability to seek anything new except jumping into bed with someone else and ego. Those are the real issues that make people cheat.

Sorry to mention this but you only have to look in the papers today to see someone like katie price who is considering glamorous and skinny and rich has been cheated on by her husband of 27 years old with her less attractive best friend who is 50! You couldn't make it up.

I myself was left for a woman who at the risk of sounding absolutely vile myself was truly hideous and much older than me (when I was 28 she was nearly 40).

Yes you do get the stereotypical old man leaving for the 20 year old secretary but it's just as likely to be someone fatter / older / uglier. It's about the cheater, not who they cheat with.

Some of the most glamorous and admired women in the world have had this happen to them:

HRH Princess of Wales
Jennifer Anniston
Jerry Hall
Victoria Beckam
Elizabeth Hurley

Looks have nothing to do with it...

So sorry this has happened to your friend.

This is what women need to learn. Never build up or with a man let him do it all no such thing as equal. This way he's done all the investing.

Why are you and your friends etc placing so much emphasis on looks? Did everyone really say it wouldn't last because he's allegedly handsome?! I've never heard anyone say that about two people genuinely in love.

No wonder this man thinks it's ok to treat his wife like this if he's been put on such a pedestal...

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

His movie star looks are irrelevant. He's a cheat. Maybe he's always been a cheat. Don't project that your own handsome husband will behave in the same way. Support your friend through this, but don't think the fact he's pretty is important.

Oh fuck. Old thread.

Ooh! I wonder what happened in the end?

Really hoping that the friend went on to have a wonderful life whilst the husband realised what an amazing woman he’d lost...and four years on is still living a life full of regret.