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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How did having DC change your relationship?

59 replies

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 07/05/2014 20:36

I was talking to my mum the other day about planning to TTC in the next couple of years and she said to enjoy this time with my DP before we have children together as having DC will change our relationship. My DP already has a little boy so I'm not totally clueless about how having a child around can affect having time together but DSS's only here on weekends so it's not the same, and we got together when his son was just 3 so I've no experience of the baby stage.

I was looking for other people's experiences of how having DC has changed their relationship - for better or worse?

OP posts:
jasminemai · 11/05/2014 13:07

Just express and go thats it really. I went away with the girld to bournemouth, we did hen parties, clubs etc on quite a few occasions.

Writerwannabe83 · 11/05/2014 16:28

My problem is that I don't think I'd be able to be away from him Grin

I've only just got comfortable with being away from him for 30 minutes whilst my DH takes him for a walk. My need to be with him is probably because DS is still so young though Smile

BertieBotts · 11/05/2014 17:07

It doesn't change your relationship, IME, what it does is massively change the dynamic. The problem with it is that the dynamic before DC is relatively easy, whereas after DC it will expose stuff that you didn't realise was a problem before - perhaps it wasn't a problem but the underlying attitude or whatever is always there. Conversely if your relationship is strong then it will highlight all of those great points about him and you'll fall in love with him even more, and he you.

You have to work as a team. Which means that you take an equal role in things like housework, bringing money in, making the house look nice, bills, cooking, etc. That doesn't mean necessarily that everybody does 50/50, they might be split up in other ways, or that it looks perfectly equal all of the time, but it means that your goal is each to make the other's life easier, and/or to get everything done without sniping over who does what, and respecting each other's contribution. Red flags for this are if he's lazy with the housework because he knows you'll pick up the slack, if one of you is doing far more than the other, if you don't expect the balance to shift according to variables like illness, tiredness from work, stress, preference, etc.

You need to support each other emotionally and mentally. So look at how you act when each of you is having a hard time. Are you (each) supporting, pushing, holding, uplifting even when you don't know what's wrong or are you criticising, questioning, ignoring, waiting for the storm to pass? Do you trust each other or do you tend to assume that if one of you is complaining about something that it's not as big a deal as they are making out?

Unfortunately this one is still gendered. As the woman if you take maternity leave and/or longer off work or return part time, your entire life will change in a way that his will not. It's impossible to explain how this makes you feel, so the support in the previous point is really key. It also puts you in a vulnerable position. That means that he has to be willing - really willing, happy, to support you. For red flags for this one you want to look at what he's like when you're ill or otherwise at your lowest points. Is he good and helpful and supportive or dismissive, perhaps even impatient?

One of the biggest dynamics it's going to change is money. It's likely that your earnings will dip, or his will, if he takes time off work. You'll have childcare to pay for if you both want to work before your youngest child is around 12 or 14 years old, which is likely. You REALLY need to have a proper "what's yours is mine" attitude to money and see it, and bills, especially family or child related expenses as joint. You can't really have "mine" and "yours" expenses. That means the stepson too - you're a family, there's no reason why that needs to come out of his personal finances. Of course it's fine to have separate pots of spending money as many people do this but don't end up in a situation where he's asking you to pay him back for things, or all of the children's expenses come out of your "pot" or you're splitting bills 50/50 when you're not earning 50/50, or he's expecting some kind of 1950s housewife deal "in return for his money".

You have to remember that you're not necessarily going to be the most important person in your partner's eyes any more. I'm sure if he has a DC already then you will already be aware of this so it's more the other way around. The DC will be the priority at times and rightly so. It can get extreme especially when they are little - you can feel touched out at the end of the day and just not be able to deal with another person needing/wanting you. You may feel pushed out by your partner. You (each) need to be able to put the hurt about that away and reach out and connect with them, not necessarily in the way you want, but in the way they want.

I am not at all suggesting that every man with DC from a previous relationship is an unsupportive father to the mother of their child, but it's a definite possibility which you can't really ignore TBH. You say that the relationship broke up because of stress over the child being ill. I know it's not nice to think about, but what if your child was ill, seriously ill? How do you think he would react in that kind of situation? You would need all of the support mentioned above and then some. You can't predict the future of course, but you can look at how he has acted in situations (with you or with his ex) in the past and see a pattern - people don't usually change their core, base reaction to situations. You could (and probably should) talk to him about it - it might be uncomfortable, but it might also be extremely important.

Good luck! I wish you all the best on your journey together.

BertieBotts · 11/05/2014 17:15

Oh and one which really applies to women as much as men - you've got to trust your partner to make mistakes and give him the space to do that. It's a balance. If you're never letting him try anything for the fear that he'll get it wrong then you're not trusting him and you need to let up and let him have try. However if you've let him try and he's constantly making big mistakes that don't seem to be changing (examples would be serious and/or repeated safety lapses, consistent behaviour which you consider neglectful, aggression, etc)

But, relax. Everyone forgets to do the nappy up properly and gets soaked in wee, gets the baby's leg stuck in the arm hole of the baby gro, hits their head on a door frame, forgets to strap in the car seat, misjudges a discipline issue, cries/shouts back at a toddler and shocks themselves, you will do it just as he will, let him make those mistakes and make his own judgements.

(Obviously if he's being a nob that doesn't apply!)

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 11/05/2014 17:36

Thank you bertie that's a great post. Im most worried about how I will react - I can be quite selfish at times. Currently we do have his and hers money but we are buying a house together so shortly finances are going to be completely joint including dss money. I already pay for most of dss clothes, treats, days out etc when he is here because dp picks up most of the mundane bills - its worked up till now but as we are buying a house its time to make it all joint.

Dp has said to me the reason he and his ex split up was because they were doing the hospital stays in shifts and they spent so little time together she just stopped loving him. Of course that's only one viewpoint but I know he is fantastic under the pressure of dss health problems and he loves him so much I already know he is an amazing dad. This thread had been a real eye opener. I don't think I would ever find anyone more suited to me or who I would rather have a family with so no doubts now. We would have to see what happens I guess.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 11/05/2014 17:51

I think that because of the way parenthood affects men and women differently, the selfishness thing is sort of less important in women. You by your situation get forced into feeling/being less selfish whereas the man still has quite a lot of his old life so he sort of has to make himself consciously less selfish which is harder to do. Certainly if they were doing shifts at the hospital (which sounds like a shitty situation :( ) he doesn't sound like he's selfish but appreciate that's just a snapshot!

In fact a bit of selfishness in a woman isn't always a bad thing - it's easy to fall into the mummy martyr trap, but it's important (at least after the relentless bit when they're little) to claw some of your life back for you.

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 11/05/2014 17:58

Yeah so far he has shown himself to be the absolute opposite of selfish. He will always put dss and i first. He should actually be a bit more selfish at times I think. I think I would have to work very hard to not take him for granted.

OP posts:
jasminemai · 12/05/2014 05:39

I think thats the key to a happy marriage though it is for your lives both to have changed evenly. Dh and I have always been 100% equal parents so no resentment, whereas the parents where mums life has changed but dads life hasnt are usually unsatisified after children.

minipie · 12/05/2014 11:25

Great posts Bertie

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