Whirlwind Romance - good or bad?

[Pinklaydee1302]

I met my bf online, been seeing him about two months now. It became very intense very quick as we were both very attracted to each other. We been seeing each other a lot, him staying over etc but since the weekend (where we saw each other three days in a row) he seems to have cooled off and the texts have become less frequent.

He assures me everything is fine but its just a feeling I have that things aren't quite the same anymore between us.

Just wondered if its me or has the whirlwind turned to a shower?

You've had a whirlwind lust-fest, not a romance.

It's true cogito maybe we both confusing lust with love.

I don't want to write it off yet as I'm incredibly fond of him and would really like to give it a chance. It is early days n to be honest I've not had a relationship since I split with my hubby 3 years ago so it's all very strange and scary but amazing at same time. God I sound like I'm 15 now!!

Thanks everyone

Two weeks of passion - like a holiday fling - can be good for the soul. Wakes you up to the possibilities of life with someone who reciprocates your affection. It's not a 'relationship', more an 'experience'. So enjoy it for what it was but move on. Don't try to cling to something that was never going to happen.

So you think it's a no chance of working relationship Cogito, because we are passionate? Just thought that's what it should be like when you first meet

You're two months in and you're saying the passion and attentiveness has died off already and you're wondering if something is up. What I'm saying, therefore, is that you could decide that's all it was ever going to be and you walk away now rather than .... what I imagine is happening.... you on the phone or sending texts saying 'is everything OK? are we OK?'. If he's already having to assure you everything is fine, then you're probably coming across as a bit needy... sorry

In answer to your question Pinklaydee. No he didn't. He said he was very upset at me finishing but just didn't know what to say but didn't try and talk me round, just skuttled off.

He tried the old friendship card for a while but I wasn't really interested. I went completely no contact for about 4 months. Blocked his number, didn't go the places we both knew people. In fact I made a point of checking first if he was in the pub before popping in to see the couple I know that run it. One time he sent a text message by mistake, allegedly. I just sent a curt message back asking who it was and then not replying to his chatty message telling me it was him etc etc . He recently contacted me again to ask if I could do some work for him. I met him yesterday to discuss said work and he fairly quickly turned the conversation round to our relationship, how he didn't understand what went wrong. How much he missed me and how much he still fancied me. But I see him differently now. An opportunist and, if I'm being honest, seems a bit weak. I know he's had a relationship with someone else since we split and I suspect that has gone tits up so he's mooning over me again.

Four months older and a little bit wiser. I might or might not do the work he has asked me to do. I was pretty firm with him saying that our relationship went wrong because it was too intense, too rushed and not based on anything solid like friendship and mutual respect but lust. He laughed and said "yeah but it was bloody good lust wasn't it babe". I cringed. I didn't answer. It was OK but I had had better! (and I admit to having been round the block a bit before I married ;-0 ). What amazed me was that he didn't take my lack of confirmation of this fact about the amazing sex as a hint it might have not been as great for me as it clearly was for him. I am also accutely aware he may be thinking if he flatters me enough about my sexual performance I might go back for more affirmation and praise. I don't think so matey.

I find I like him well enough as a friend. He is very kind and helpful now and I just want to keep it like that, but if he starts to push for anything else I'll be away and finding a new bookkeeper for him faster than a rat up a drain pipe.

Good luck with it. I would agree with others. If you want to give it a go, let it slow down. Go back to your life before you met and busy yourself a bit more with what you would have been doing before you met him. I did that but the bad feeling didn't go away. I am ashamed to admit I did the dumping by text, but he didn't put up any resistance either. We were both culpable so I'm glad we moved on (well at least I have - not sure about him, but he's not my responsibility is he?).

That makes a lot of sense to me MrsIrony and thanks for taking time to send that post.

Cogito yes I think I am appearing needy this week and he appearing bored so need to move on I think...

Cogito gave me that very advice I think.
it went along the lines of:-

"You've come out of a long marriage blinking in the sunlight, got your mojo back!. Time to shout NEXT! and chuck that one back in the sea".

All part of life's rich pattern and all sent to make us more sensible and more aware of what our boundaries are.

If you didn't have any that go tits up you won't know the wheat from the chaff.

I remember thinking a couple of times not long after the break up. I'm going to be a lonely old woman if I don't find anyone. Well you know what, I am a bit older (58). I am attractive and I attract male attention quite a bit. I have a teenage daughter who doesn't really want to spend much time with me. I However, I am far from lonely - why should that change just because I'm a few years older? I have a large circle of friends, some very close, some aquaintances. I have a full time job, my own little business. A large family through my sisters etc. Some lovely neighbours. I would be more lonely with someone I think.

I've been separated from my husband for just coming up to 18 months. The last relationship finished back in early January. I am accutely aware of how much more settled my life is, and I am, over the last three months. I don't want to spoil it now. Hopefully you'll get there too, you will be depending on what you do with this little hiccup.

LOL!... yes that sounds like me. I really do think that there should be a time in everyone's life where they play the field a little, shag a few, dump a few, make a few mistakes. Most of us do it in our early days but some manage to skip straight past the opportunity & end up in a long-term relationship almost straight out of puberty. Because they've never learned how to dump someone and move on, they then stay in the LTR long after its sell-by.

Hey OP, the split is very recent. Even if he doesn't love his wife any more, they were together for a LONG time.

I couldn't even have a 'fun' relationship for a year after splitting up with my wife, even though we tried everything to stay together. And after that, I was still, frankly, really sad. Not all the time, but it crept up on me when I least wanted it to.

And after that, I still thought about her a lot. It wasn't any more in a sexual or jealous way, but grieving the loss of the person who was once the love of my life, all the things we had planned and the break up of our family.

Your guy has baggage, as others have said. After a very long relationship, perhaps he's wondering what he really wants now. He's not even divorced, right? And the break up will stress him out massively. And yep, he will be worried about his daughter's feelings, too.

I think in this case, the more you reveal your insecurities, natural as they are, the more he will back off. Maybe say, oh, do you need time and space to sort this stuff out, and come back when you're ready? Something like that? Not saying end it, but if you push him, he might run away.

That's a great post Aegean and good to have a male point of view. It makes a lot of sense. Myself and my ex husband have been split almost three years and I would say it's only in the last six months both of us have finally moved on. He had a series of girlfriends but has now settled and moved in with his gf. I'm totally happy for him but I can't say I was for the first year.

Like you say I just need to chill n back off when he needs space.

He came around last night and we had a fun evening and was his normal affectionate self so I think it's a case of step by step n just hope I don't end up getting hurt in the process