They say it takes 7 attempts to leave. I think I'm on number 5. I haven't told him yet.
I'm wondering how many of you left your marriage only after a number of attempts - what made you stay the extra times, and what finally spurred you on to leave? You can stop reading now if you are able to reply - or copious background is available below.
DH is an alcoholic, for more than 4 years. He dries out, but so far has never stayed dry longer than 2 months (this last time the dry spell lasted 2 weeks, and within 4 weeks he has relapsed totally, so he spent most of the May bank holiday weekend drunk or drinking). He's very functioning, management role with lots of travel, and he does very well at his job. When he's not travelling he works from home, which enables him to start work late or drink during the day. He's not physically abusive, but can be emotionally very harsh and threatening when he's drunk. He hides most of his drinking from the children, but the detachment from family life is obvious to all. It's a roller-coaster life, and there's more than enough reason to leave - but somehow I always seem to be convinced to let him try again. And now today I know he can see by my eyes that I'm distancing myself again, and he's sad, and pitiful (and has retreated to bed on a sickie) - but he sets limits on the help he's prepared to seek (limits AA meetings, quits therapy after 3-4 sessions, won't go to rehab unless he can fit it into holidays from work).
On attempt number 2 (a year ago), I left with the children (we were living abroad and came home - a huge upheaval and the hardest thing I've ever done). He followed us home, dried out and then relapsed. Attempt number 3 was in November, he refused to leave our home when I asked for a separation, he started therapy and dried out for a while. He quit therapy in January, was already drinking again. Attempt number 4 was in February - he was crossing the boundaries with involvement with someone from work (not physical as far as I know) and I saw red and told him not to come home after a business trip. I got legal advice and separated our finances. He came home, refused to leave, told me to leave without the children if I wanted to. As if. I considered us leaving the family home, but my solicitor urged me to get his family to persuade him to move out. THe in-laws are the greatest, totally supportive. After a couple of weeks of standoff he was a broken man, got help again, went on antidepressants, quite drinking, started AA again, asked for a referral to the local rehab (hasn't arrived yet…) For about 3 days I held firm in my resolve that he still had to leave, get better apart from us, and see how he goes for a year or two. Then I crumbled, he begged me and I was willing to support him again… and so here we are. Attempt number 5. I'm wondering how to tackle this one with better success.
I'm having therapy (weekly for about 6 months now) - and it is helping me stand back and see the situation for what it is. The children have priority - except they haven't because they're exposed to too much already. There's a part of me that still wants to be merciful to him, because it's an illness, and a big part of me that still loves him. A small part also wonders if I as a single mother can actually be a nice mother to the children (visions of shouty, irritable me not able to hold it together).
I'd love if you could share what worked for you.