Am I very selfish?

[crustyweetabix]

My husband & I have 3 children, including young twins. I am a SAHM, I very much love my children. I have some great days with them but I mostly find it very hard work & that mysterious combination of being both super demanding & crushingly dull.

I very much look forward to the respite evenings & weekends bring. So much so that when my husband wants to do something like play cricket or hockey at the weekend, I could weep at the idea of me having to do another day alone. I honestly find the thought unbearable.

He is understanding & doesn't expect to play much at the moment but still does subtly mention that there are games on i.e He's gagging for me to say yes, go & play but I can't & feel really, really awful & guilty.

He wants to play in this last minute game this weekend (too last min to rope my parents into help me) The game is quite special as it's with his brothers.They have kids, albeit not twins... Do their wives not want to weep too? I feel extra guilty. Should I just be able to suck it up occasionally & let him go off?

I do have to be careful, as I nearly fell deeply into the dark pit of PND with the demands of the twins' first year (I take St. John's wort) But still...Why am I not one of those women who can be selfless & let him play? I just feel angry that he wants to take time away which results in a very heavy load being placed on me. Is that selfish thinking?

Of course it's not selfish to crave some respite from child rearing, 3 kids and two are twins, that's a heavy workload you have there.

Tbh I am sick of reading about selfish men having no empathy for their partners and what they have to do every day to look after their kids, the mundaneness, the hard work, the no rewards, the lack of support.

Sorry OP, it's the other way around, in my book, if you are a family, your family come first and your partner's needs and what's good for your relationship should take precedence over anything else, including cricket.

I don't think it's selfish to want time as a family or time to yourself. In that respect I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. Do you have some kind of interest or hobby or similar that you could pursue at weekends or evening? You sound lonely and I think, if you had more options of stimulating adult company beyond your DH, you'd both benefit. He could play the odd game of cricket, you could do something that interested you and you could spend the rest of the time together as a couple/family. Win-win.

Perhaps you could go and watch him play - take the twins, sit under a tree, spend the day like that? When he isn't on the field he can help. Would that be less stressful?

And inform your H that the following weekend you've booked a day at (PICK YOUR FUN PLACE) and will be gone all day.

And you will be doing this every time he plays cricket.

I agree these time demanding sports aren't suitable for parents of young children. To long, too much, too selfish. You need a break too OP.

Does he ever have the ch

Gosh not selfish at all! I imagine packs of women feel like that sometimes (I certainly do). Having children is hard and often quite boring!

I think it is really easy as women to feel guilty about not being the perfect domestic house wife. I inexplicably feel guilty that my husband does most of the laundry in the house even though I know I do much more than my share of the house stuff.

But you need to address the bigger issue and get something in your life that is for you if you are feeling like this.

I found being at home with my children very hard and got very bored and depressed with the drudgery of it all. I was thrilled to go back to work and have some grown ups to talk to and something of my own.

Would you want to/could you go back to some sort of work part time?

Is there a hobby you're interested in that you could do regularly (i.e. an evening a week)?

Could you afford some childcare so you could give yourself an afternoon off once a week?

Also when your husband goes to cricket games etc can you make plans too that you'll enjoy? What are all the wives and children doing? If my husband is going off doing something (or vice versa) I always make a jolly plan to see friends etc so I don't feel like I am trapped in the house.

Does he ever have the children on his own so you get a day off?
Book a day and go off even if it's just for a swim and lunch with a book? Mooch round the shops etc? Just some time out?

I think your DH not having a chance to do ANYTHING in his free time is wrong, but its not because you're being selfish. Something is seriously wrong if the thought of any more time alone with the kid makes you weep.

I quite enjoy DH's cricket days, we get to go, spend time with the other grown ups, my DSs get spoiled with loads of extra attention, earn some money picking up the 'flags' at the ends of the game, etc. It's not EASY, mind, it gets easier though as time goes on. We roped in one of the other mum's daughters to help out with them and give her a bit of money, she's not old enough to baby sit yet (her older sisters babysit for us) but old enough to entertain them with grown ups all around.

But you also need to address the week. Being a SAHM is all well and good, but you clearly need a break. There's nothing wrong with admitting that, and putting the DC into day care for a few hours a week. 2 mornings a week might be just enough for you to get your sanity back. Don't even think of it as 'jobs' time, but simply time for yourself. Sit, read a newspaper/magazine with a cup of tea, catch up with a friend, get your nails done, whatever you want to do. Just have it child free.

If it helps at all, I felt exactly the same when my eldest two were little. Coping with a 3/4 year old with ADHD & ASD who was not in pre-school/school because school could not cope with him and a toddler was completely draining. I definitely did cry on a couple of occasions when DH had plans for the weekend which, really, weren't that unreasonable (he also played cricket sometimes & one stag do in Blackpool) because I really needed the extra help. Well, I could cope on my own but the relief I felt having another adult at home to help was huge. I couldn't call on my parents or friends either.

It does get better though, you won't feel this overwhelmed for ever. My eldest DCs are now 16 & 13 and I also have a 2 year old DD. Now I quite enjoy the odd weekend where DH is elsewhere & it's just me and the DCs (and I get to watch what I want to in the evening ).

Your DH may just have to realise that, for now - this relatively short period in his life - he has to cut back on his activities outside of work. The children belong to both of you, and he should only be getting 'me time' if you can have the same.

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I do agree that hobbies are very important. I love sport too & the release it brings so I get it. We both play our various sports on weekday evenings, I have no problem with that.

Cogito - you're right. I do get pretty lonely & find parenting, whilst still difficult, a thousand times easier if there is another adult around. Weekends tend to be most other people's family time so it's hard to organise stuff with friends. We are going to go through the cricket calendar & choose the odd game he can play & I'll book in my parents to help out.

Taking the kids is a big no no at the moment. Lots of people suggest it & it makes me want to clobber them over the head with a cricket bat when they suggest it (sorry, no offence intended BeCool!) . I think people imagine sitting under a blossom tree with a picnic, with children running around in dappled sunlight. In reality, it's a long, long day (games itself lasts at least 6 hours. It's invariably wet or cold, Older kid too young to play & gets bored of standing on the boundary after half an hour & I spend my time trying to stop the twins running on to the field.

It's the last min surprise 'requests' that I find particularly difficult.

I feel the same and I only have one child. A while ago with friends my husband spontaneously offered to help them move and I nearly sobbed that he would casually spend a whole weekend day helping people when no one helped us move... its so tough.

Varfalli, yes I am absolutely thinking about part time work. I too think it will do me wonders. September is looking likely (no prizes for guessing what line of work I'm in) Just have to be careful that with the cost of childcare for three, I don't lose money.

Santa, you absolutely nailed how I feel. I can see his requests are not unreasonable, I just can't take in another day without help. Well done to you for getting through it.

My husband is very, very helpful & supportive. Always telling me to go off & take time away from the kids at the weekend. It seems that offer is no trouble for him, whilst very kind, makes me feel worse that I cannot reciprocate.

crusty I would like to point out to you that you do reciprocate because your dh has hours of child free time 5 days a week.
I understand that he is at work but he also gets to talk to grown ups, wee all by himself, and eat lunch without his colleagues pulling at his legs, crying because he has done exactly as they asked him to, or soiling themselves.
Well, presumably

OP there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting not to be a full time SAHM and I don't think there are very many of "those women" out there who happily spend every possible hour in their kids' company without at some point NEEDING some time out or some company. I went back to teaching after a year and built up my days gradually. Childcare IS expensive but please remember it is not just YOUR salary that pays it, it's the household. If you feel this way, then even if it means that as a household you have slightly less ££ per month, it may still be the right thing to do. One of my friends often comments (to the point of annoying me actually) that I rarely have the kids on my own for a full day because we know in advance if DH is gigging or away or whatever and I rope in my parents or DM or my friend with a similar aged kid who comes and spends the night. Both DH and I make a point of having at least one but usually more 1/2 or full days and possibly nights "off" each month and we either take turns with the kids (with the aforementioned help in my case) or my parents will babysit overnight. We are VERY lucky to have that level of support but we are both SO much happier when we have time to remember who we are as individuals and not just mum and dad. I totally understand why you want to cry at the thought of another day alone but I don't think he is being selfish to want time off either - you just need to find a balance and trade it for a day of your own.

You should have equal leisure time.

For every day he spends playing he should look after the kids in return so you can have some time alone. That's what my dh and I do. He works 55 hours a week and twice a month goes to have more tattoos done (his hobby). Twice a month he looks after dc so I can spend a blissful day shopping on my own. Otherwise it's not fair and I'd go insane. (I'm a sahm).