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Original poster

Pregnant - DP lost sex drive

34 replies

Crapname · 07/05/2014 13:26

I'm sure this is a reasonably common problem. I'm 6 months pregnant and DP won't have sex with me, or engage in anything beyond kissing. We have discussed it and he has lost his sex drive as he finds the idea that there is a baby growing inside me weird and uncomfortable and thinks it unfair (on the baby) to have sex. I would love a good seeing to don't feel quite as strongly but I can empathise with the 'weirdness' plus my expanding waist means it would be increasingly difficult.

I'm happy to masturbate to fulfil my needs in the meantime but he doesn't want to. To explain a little more he had an issue with porn in the past, he has resolved this so far and hasn't looked at any for 4 years but I think he worries that wanking would lead to seeking more stimulation and eventually a return to porn. I worry the lack of any sex or masturbation is unhealthy and would either lead to psychological problems or a return to the porn especially as it may be a few months after the baby arrives before our sex life returns to anywhere near normal. He insists he is ok but frustrated.
Anyone any thoughts or similar experiences?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/05/2014 13:36

Not having sex or wanking for a few months is not "unhealthy" or will cause "psychological problems", what a weird thing to project onto someone

I think if you can sort yourself out during this time, you need to just get on with it and let him do what suits himself

Personally, I think men who are 1) recent or ex porn addicts and 2) turned off by pregnant women have "psychological problems" that are nothing to do with a temporary period of abstention

Original poster
Crapname · 07/05/2014 13:44

No, he isn't 'turned off' by me being pregnant, he just finds it strange that the baby is so close during such an intimate moment. A bit like a baby being in the room while having sex. I know many men don't have a problem with it but he does.
I haven't really projected that onto him directly, just told him I don't have a problem with him wanking and talking in general about the lack of sex drive for us both, him more than me. I'm not sure I could or would want to abstain for possibly 12 months, but perhaps that's just me

OP posts:
LBZT · 07/05/2014 13:46

My DH wasn't sexual towards me when I was pregnant (all 3 times), but once baby was born and I had healed everything went back to normal. I have to admit I was always a bit hurt by this as I thought that if you are carrying a mans child he would want you even more ( a bit naive maybe ).
He still cant explain it to me now apart from being pregnant changed how he saw me, as in a mum and not a sexual partner, if that means as AF says he has some sort of "psychological problems" I'm not sure but it didn't last and I just had to accept that is part of his character. Confused

Original poster
Crapname · 07/05/2014 13:56

Glad to hear things went back to normal for you LBZT, there is a part of me wondering if things will never be the same again for our sex life, I suppose in some ways they won't.
You do hear of men who find their partners even more attractive during pregnancy and women with increased libidos, but it hasn't happened in my relationship! Don't think that necessarily means those men who aren't that way inclined have 'psychological problems' either

OP posts:
LBZT · 07/05/2014 14:03

Hi OP please don't worry all men and different and deal with things differently. My DH admitted to me recently that he was panicked about seeing the babies being born because he thought it might put him off me...never happened he is still as enthusiastic as when we were first together. Also breast feeding and leaky breasts never fazed him just me being pregnant!!! I always thought that the best way to deal with it was that it was just a phase (x3) that we went through! A relationship goes through all sorts of dips and highs

Catflap1 · 07/05/2014 20:28

I'm in similar situation DP won't go near me either!

He did attempt it at the weekend only after I have brought up the fact we have had no intimacy for 4 months and he suggested I put on his favorite stockings.... I did and he walked in the room and said "oh that's not as attractive as it used to be!!!! I was fuming and it killed it there and then!

I wouldn't mind if I was big yet but at 5 months I hardly even look pregnant, not gained weight anywhere except a tiny pop belly!

It's bloody soul destroying and actually if affecting our already fragile relationship

AnyFucker · 07/05/2014 20:42

"Won't go near you" ? What does he consider you to be, a gone-off ready meal ?

You poor woman, having a baby with a man with such a dodgy attitude to women Sad

smearedinfood · 07/05/2014 20:45

I think this is one of those pregnant things DP was actually looking forward too. My sex drive goes up when I'm pregnant.

Poor you. It's not like you are going to accidentally anymore pregnant.

DownstairsMixUp · 07/05/2014 20:56

Wtaf?! I'd tell him to fuck right off, the cheeky bugger! Carrying your baby and that's his attitude?!

Sorry that was to the above poster but to OP, I guess if you can live with sorting yourself out for a few months then fine, but I would find it odd tbh.

Catflap1 · 07/05/2014 21:07

Yep I'm fucking fuming I do understand that some men have issues and just can't get there head around the whole sex thing they seem to think they will be poking the baby in the eye or something (they flipping wish) but the comments like that are just bloody uncalled for and dam right rude and disrespectful.

Like I said very fragile relationship already and just hanging on by a thread!

Catflap1 · 07/05/2014 21:10

Smearedinfood your right so many men actually do find it attractive and I agree with them I think a women's body is amazing when pregnant!

I also have a huge sex drive that has got even worst since being pregnsnt

AnyFucker · 07/05/2014 21:12

In what other ways is your P a twat, catflap ? Sad

DownstairsMixUp · 07/05/2014 21:14

When he tries it on after you've had the baby tell him HE is not as attractive as he used to be, now you know he is a douchebag. Seriously OP, he doesn't sound a catch. Why exactly has he got worse since you have been pregnant?

Catflap1 · 07/05/2014 21:27

Oh lots of ways Anyfucker, drink been a issue, the whole pregnancy (didn't want baby at first) was very nasty about it all in fact, like I said hanging on by a thread trying to make things work but don't honestly think it's repairable!

Don't worry I have no intention of sleeping with him for the next 20 weeks of my pregnancy or even after that to be honest! Might just tell him his bear gut has grown and not as attractive as he was before!

If I was as shallow as him then I wouldn't even be pregnsnt now because I would of refused to sleep with him as he is certainly heavier than he was 2 years ago!

AnyFucker · 07/05/2014 21:30

Ugh wouldn't you be better going this alone than badly accompanied ?

DownstairsMixUp · 07/05/2014 21:33

He sounds lovely. I agree with af tbh. I split with my ex husband about your stage of pregnancy because he was an arse. I was scared of being alone but it was the best thing I ever did. Rather than feeling "alone" like i thought i would, i just felt like i got rid of a useless excess of 15 stone. I was much happier in my flat alone with ds rather than his miserable, nasty face. What's your support network like, ie family and friends?

Catflap1 · 07/05/2014 21:49

Downstairs my support network is amazing I have great family and friends, I'm not actually afraid of being a single mother I have been (still am really I don't live with DP) a single parents for the last 6 years brought my 3 DC's up alone since they were 1/3/5!

I'm just acting a weak mug at the moment, I just keep letting him back everytime because he promises to change etc..... I know he won't, have no expectations that he will but I'm just not being strong enough! All totally my own fault I know I should just end it and I do want to, I know it's coming though really just can't keep dragging it on much more I will blow my top ab

Catflap1 · 07/05/2014 21:50

Whoops

Blow my top about something soon and find the strength to end it

AnyFucker · 07/05/2014 21:51

Do it soon, love

Catflap1 · 07/05/2014 22:02

I will I think at the beginning I was so upset and hurt about it all but then slowly I started to see him for what he is! I think I have been slowly detaching myself from him/relationship and I getting closer to wanting out just need that last little bit of strength

Original poster
Crapname · 07/05/2014 22:29

Woah just seen this.
Catflap your DP sounds like a twat, i really hope you manage to find the strength to get shut sooner rather than later.

My DP sounds perfect after reading this, I'm really missing the sex but he is affectionate, supportive and complementary so perhaps I should count my blessings. I do think I would go crazy with no sexual release for 12 months but maybe I'm creating a problem that isn't there.

OP posts:
Catflap1 · 07/05/2014 22:56

OP if he is affectionate, loving and caring in other ways then I do think it does just boil down to the mental block over thing, some men do struggle with this!

Unlike my DP who is just bloody rude

arsenaltilidie · 08/05/2014 09:54

Crapname your DH sounds normal.
I too got weirded out with the thought of "if I slip I might lend on her stomach, on top of the baby!".
The constant worry about my child's safety sort of killed the mood.

On the other hand Catflap your DH is a tw@!

Golferman · 08/05/2014 18:00

I remember being the same when my wife was pregnant with our first son (36 years ago) I was really nervous of hurting her or the baby. Looking back I can see how daft I was. I can understand some men thinking like that though.

43percentburnt · 08/05/2014 18:35

I have no words. Anyfucker is spot on. Catflap your husbands comment about the stockings was disgusting. What makes these people think such comments about their loved ones are acceptable? What goes through their heads on a day to day basis? why are they so vile?

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