My mum and assuming her role in my family - long!

[Sickandtired14]

I love my mum. She drives me absolutely batty. And sometimes I genuinely want to throttle her but it's mostly harmless and I let it wash over me. But, I have a DD 21 months, I am 21 weeks with DS. I am married, have my own flat in north london - 30/45mins drive from where she lives. She comes here I go there etx. We rub along.

Anyway, when my dd was born she came around ALOT. This was fine she was helpful and she adores my dd. (Dd is only grand daughter in whole family so gets lots of special attention from gp's for this)
But very soon she started referring to everything as 'we'
Examples:
'We' need to make sure to register her within the 6 week time frame
'We' need to get that kitchen sorted
'We' need to insist on the middle name (my DH didn't want it but I did and I insisted)
'We' need to report this to the council
'We we we'
It bothered me then and I addressed it once and she just could not see what I was getting at so I dropped it
She routinely comes I to my flat and after having looked around tells me where my stuff is:
Examples:
Did you know u have some letters here?
The washing up needs doing
You need to decide if you want this to stay here
Your shoes aren't in the cupboard
DD's washing is dry but still on the dryer

On and on and on and then next visit:
Did you know that those letters are still there? They were gets last week...
The washing up needs doing again

You can point out 'the washing up needs doing every day mum'
'Yes mum, I know the letters are here, I put them there'
'I don't want my shoes in tr cupboard'
But it all makes no difference.

Anyway, pregnant again and she refers to my DS as 'we' all the time. She uses the word 'we' in relation to the birth and midwife appointments!

I can not get her to understand that this worries and bothers me. Me and my DH are 'we', my mum is not included in te 'we' as she is not a parent here. I am one of 4 kids and often remind her that she had her turn and this is mine but she corrects me and says 'we' to me about everything.
To the point where I decided nt to cut my DD's hair cos I would prefer it to grow out but my mum goes around telling everyone that 'we' decided not to, against my dh's wishes (he wants to cut it and I say no let it grow out and me and him came to an agreement) but mum says 'we'

Maybe this seems silly. Maybe it isn't. I just can't get it across to her and it bothers me. Is it trivial? What would you do/say?

Thanks for reading, never intended it to be so long!!

Oh dear. I'm not sure what to suggest. (I'm no good at managing my relationship with my own mother!) I just hope one of your siblings has a baby soon to take the heat off you. I can totally understand your aggravation.

I think you have to tell her that, whilst it's lovely that she is so engaged, this 'we' business is suffocating. FWIW I think she sounds bored and sees your family as a way to feel useful. Does she have much to occupy her the rest of the time? A job? Hobbies? Friends? How often do these visits take place?

Maybe the stuck record approach will work? Every time she says "We" you reply with "No it's not we is it Mum? It's Annas washing up which needs doing" or "Annas decided not to get dgd's hair cut." Just keep reminding her. I'd be tempted to just be quite blunt with her as well and if she says anything just appeal to her better nature in appeasing your baby hormones.

Invite her round less often and tell her why you are doing it. if you don't, the next thing you know, she will have moved in with you and will be pushing you out like some kind of cuckoo

How was her relationship with her mum.

Maybe it would get through a bit better if you turned it around with her and asked her if when you were a baby and her mum was doing this to her if she would of been comfortable? I know reminding my DM on occasion to think back and imagine my overbearing GM behaving to her as she has to me. It has had the desired effect most of the time.

I can see how that must grate on you, but I don't think the 'we' thing is malicious or harmful. Can you manage to put up with it? If you really can't, you'll have to sit down and talk to her about how much it is irritating you. She's not taking the hint from each time you say something, so make it a proper formal sit down 'Mum, there's something I need to talk to you about, can you come over at 3pm' session.

On the comments about letters/washing up etc - Channel Sybil Fawlty. Do the whole funny voice. She'll get it. She'll either stop or at least you'll get a bit of amusement out of it.

My dd is grandchild 3. My DB has 2 boys who my mum looks after Mondays and Tuesday. She also tutors a young boy once a week, has friends she sees often and runs a small seamstress business - making clothes for people or just alterations etc. She is incredibly busy!

I have attempted to say stuff and blame it on hormones and even if she takes in what has been said, the next time she visits it's like it never happened....
My DH tells me to ignore it and just let her say it if it makes her happy cos what harm is it really doing and it isn't really harming anyone but it's a principle thing....

You could take the 'cracked record' approach to her pointing things out (like the letters or the washing up):
"Name - Annasdjebrouni's Mum

Specialist subject - Statement of the bleedin' obvious! - Annasdjebrouni .

Every time she says "we", just sort of sigh and say, "not 'we', Mum..." and sort of raise your eyebrows at her. She'll learn. You do need to call her out on it every time, though.

About the washing up/shoes/etc., I would just say "Yes mum. This household is still the way it was when you last saw it. And it will remain so. More tea?" rinse and repeat.

Honestly, ime faultless repetition is the best way to go with this sort of thing.

I wouldn't bother trying to change her on principle. She is who she is. She may be able to modify her behaviour if you're very consistent in "training" her, but she is still going to come up with strange thoughts and beliefs that ARE going to annoy you.

Invite her around less often. Pointedly leave her out of a couple of things.

When she comments, just say 'I'm really sorry, but it's the 'we' thing. I'm totally sick of it and I feel you're stepping on our toes. I'm beginning to find it nicer to not have you involved so much.'

Make her lose out - if she won't listen because she doesn't care how YOU feel, the next step is to make sure it's HER feelings which suffer.

And don't blame your hormones. Tell it like it is - you feel she's muscling in on your parenting, and you really dislike it.

What Bruno said, exactly.

Actually reading through this again, her comments on your house sound as though she's being critical of you.
'Why are letters/washing/shoes/elephants/this here?

She's having a pop about your not having put them away straight away - she telling you she thinks your house is untidy.

Which is interfering and rude. So maybe she isn't as nice and sweet as you think and it isn't just a funny habit you should tolerate or humour.

If it were me I'd have to have a polite but very firm word with her. If she doesn't like how you arrange and keep my house, she doesn't have to suffer coming round any more. If she does, keep her criticisms to herself.

'We need to..'

• You're not the Queen mum, stop using the royal 'we'!

I meant 'you and I'
You and I are not the 'we' in this family, DH and I are.

Next time
'We need to...'
Yes, your Highness, whatever you say Your highness
(Then roll your eyes)

Turn it into a joke and laugh at her whenever she does it.

'The washing up needs doing'

• MY home mum, not yours. Drop it.

My mother does this too. I don't have kids but she comes round and talks about "our" house and what "we" think about things. She also moved all my livingroom furniture around when I went away for a weekend. It is very annoying, I know.

I let a lot of it wash over me, but when it really counts I am clear that it is my house, my life, my decisions.

Hand her a potty the next time she says 'we' and when she looks confused or asks why, tell her it's for the 'royal wee'!

I'd guess the poor woman probably started to use "we" instead of you in order not to appear so aggressive in her comments about your standards, and possibly as an indication that she was there to give you a hand. It's become habit, and poor you will have to break her of it before you break her neck (lots of sensible suggestions from PPs)

I think the same as Optimist1, that it's a habit founded in good intentions. What you could do is respond to it every time: "I don't think we are doing that, mum, I may decide to after I've spoken to dh", "We didn't decide that, I persuaded dh/discussed it with dh" etc. If you add a big smile then you take the edge off it.

Thanks for all the replies. Looks like I may have to say something. I just don't want to upset her but she is upsetting me so something has to give.

It's interesting cos she doesn't do this at all with my brother... Just me and a tiny but my younger sister but she doesn't have kids yet so doesn't see her as much.

Thanks again, some good advice here!!