Close friend came out - totally gobsmacked - how to respond?

[HrunTheBarbarian]

NC for this as I am pretty sure I can be identified under my usual name.

A really old friend came out to me (by email) today, in response to me suggesting we meet up (we don't live anywhere near each other). I knew he'd split up with his female DP of 10 years before Christmas, but obviously I didn't know the full story behind that. So I was completely gobsmacked to hear this.

He said in the email that he'd been putting off getting in touch with me because he'd find it difficult telling me - which I understand, but I do feel a bit shit that that implies I'm a horrible unapproachable person.

I think he does know that I quite strongly disapprove of people who are uncertain about their sexuality messing their partners around by tieing them up in relationships for years and years and then ditching them (because he saw this happen to me, although the relationship was shorter). And knowing him, I don't think he would have done that maliciously - but that is what's gone down here. But he's one of my best friends too and I don't want to lose that.

So I think I want to say something along the lines of thanks for telling me, I'm glad he's happier now and that I'm sorry if he felt he couldn't approach me. Is it OK to say that I had absolutely no idea and am very surprised?

If you can't find it in your heart to be happy for him and to admire his honesty when it must have been extremely difficult to admit it to you, just pretend

No. The appropriate response is to congratulate them and wish them well.

Messing people about when you aren't sure is an arsehole trait rather than an unsure of sexuality trait.

Yes I think it's fine to say you are surprised.

I think you have to let go of the terribleness of people confused about their sexuality messing others around though. There is enormous pressure on people to be straight (changing slowly I hope) & it can takes longtime for someone to come to terms with who they are. In a ideal world there would be nothing to come to terms with because sexuality would be irrelevant but we're not there yet.

I'm straight & had a boyfriend who came out while I was with him btw - so I have been there (albeit nothing like a serious adult 10 year relationship - I was 18/19). We're very good friends now.

I have been talking about the 'when did you know' issue with gay friends recently.

I am happy for him, btw. I want him to be in whatever relationship is right for him.

I'm trying to not let my own experience inform the way I react to this, but it is very hard. I do understand that the pressures on gay people are still very strong too though. I've gained a lot of understanding of that since my relationship ended.

Obviously I realise that this is not entirely about me, but I hate that this has obviously made me a shit friend. I realise it must have been very hard to tell me, and I'm happy that he did, but it's quite difficult to be told by one of your closest friends that they were avoiding you.

I just want to process all of this here so I don't balls things up.

Can't see why you can't say you didn't know and are surprised. I was terrible when one of my girlfriends was trying to tell me, she was saying 'it's about time I came out of the closet' and I was thinking about wardrobes and saying 'what?' imagining her exiting furniture in a confused and stupid manner.

She ended up getting really cross and saying 'fucks sake I'm gay' which at least made it very clear.

It just requires a slight mental adjustment.

He's one of your best friends, that meant he wanted to tread carefully about breaking the news, knowing how you felt about your own experience with someone who misled you or messed you around. I don't think that signified you are in any way unapproachable or anything. Perhaps he'd hoped you might find out about it from some other source by now? Then regretted not putting you in the picture earlier.

Saintlyjimjams talks a lot of sense.

Don't beat yourself up, you are only human. You are being a good friend by coming on here and getting your feelings in order before replying. I don't think you've said anything here that implies you are anything other than sympathetic and accepting, albeit surprised, despite your history. Hope your friendship continues well.

It's probably the case that in the past you have said cross things about your ex and being messed about, and linked that to your ex's coming out. Your friend is bound to think oh god, now I have done the one thing that Hrun will really hate. So it's not so much that you are a bad friend; more that he knows this has baggage for you and so he doesn't want to hit your triggers.

Perhaps the best way is to say, "that was so thoughtful of you to remember what happened between me and X. But it's made me realise I am over-sensitive about my break-up, if it's made you worry like this."

I think your suggestion of 'thanks for telling me, I'm glad you are happier now' is fine.

Don't feel bad - it's his issue that he found it difficult to come out, not yours. (Understandable, but no reason for you to beat yourself up.)

One of my Mother's closet friends came out a couple of years ago, in her mid-60s. Now that was a shock! Funny thing was, she said 'of course you've always known'. Um, no, my Mother had no idea...

He was worried about telling you because he knows you have been in the same situation as his ex (who was presumably upset) & that it upset you. Of course he'll worry about telling you he's just done the same. Doesn't mean you're a terrible friend!

It's obviously been very hard for him to come out /accept that he is gay for whatever reasons & I would just focus on saying how you respect him for having come out (you could go gushy with being proud of him etc if appropriate). I think it's fine to ask how his ex is etc as well btw.

Arrange to meet up with him, have the conversation - he wasn't with the right person for him and they split up, whether that was because of his sexuality is neither here nor there, people split up all the time. He is your friend, would you judge him if he left his partner for another woman? or just left? I know its close to home so just tell him that - tell him you are glad he felt he could tell you and that it doesn't change anything between you. Emails are great for telling people stuff like this but the conversation - that is better done face to face, you are allowed your opinions and feelings, i am sure he will respect that, just as you are respecting his choices.

Thanks everyone, this has helped me think things through. Appreciate it.