poker causing problems in my marriage

[AIBU101]

My husband's poker playing (or he would say, my attitude towards it) has started to become a problem in our marriage.

I'll describe both sides of this because I will probably show him this thread and I want him to listen to it and take it seriously rather than feel I have presented a one-sided story.

He used to be in finance and is a very technical and mathematical person. In some respects I think he misses that "buzz" of trading and so enjoys the risk and skill involved in playing poker at a casino with a few people he has got to know over the years.

We don't have money problems, certainly not in the way that problem gamblers have. There is property we rent out which we receive rental income from, that is never risked and he only plays a small fraction of income.

He would argue that we have outstanding mortgages which need paying off and we need money to live from and this is where poker comes in. One fundamental disagreement we have is that he thinks we need more money to live from than I do. Although I sometimes enjoy the money he used to make from poker, before I met him I was broke and got by on what I made - and I could go back to that very easily. Over the past few years he has made a lot of money from poker, but has been on a losing streak for a few months now and I think this is what he finds hardest to deal with.

We are in a cycle now where on the days he plays (which vary from 3-4 times a week) he will get up at 11am, eat lunch, go to poker around 2pm or 3pm and stay there until 1/2/3am. He would argue that he sometimes comes home at 10pm, but that is often still an 8 hour run of being out of the house. He is in contact all the time over text, about this hand, that hand, how unlucky he is, what the statistical odds were against him etc. I am not particularly interested in poker but I respond about other things.

When it gets to around 1am, I start to get a bit agitated. I am wanting to go to bed and to connect with him. I often ask him to come home, and our communication goes downhill from there. Either he feels I am jinxing him, or that I am throwing negativity on the game and therefore putting him on "tilt". I get frustrated at what I see as his superstition and start to talk "sense" into him.

What I say to him varies from telling him I'm lonely/bored and wanting him home (most of the time I just sit here for 8+ hours watching TV, not knowing when he's going to come back.) If it is happening quite frequently (1am,2am finishes) which often it does, I get angry and tell him to just bloody come home as it's not fair. At other times where he feels the world is against him because of his losses, I try to jolt him out of what I see as a lack of logic, which never goes down well.

Eg a few nights ago he texted me after losing £3000 "I have just bought £1400 chips. I am going to fuck them all." (ie the other players.)

I replied: "the only person you are fucking, is yourself."

He has made a meal out of this text exchange since. About how it is unanimous evidence I don't encourage him, how I show no support. How I am, in fact, to blame for his losses. And it's the same every week. I say something in the early hours of the morning about how I resent poker and want him home and I have jinxed the whole game and it is all my fault.

This makes absolutely NO sense to me. That I, who sits at home for 7+ hours responding to texts spends 15 minutes at the end asking him to come home, and causes thousands of pounds worth of losses???

He comes home because I have "ruined everything," and I feel a huge sense of anxiety as he comes back knowing what is to come. He is very wired from intense concentration, gets angry and we have a shouting match. I go to bed and lie awake extremely upset wondering why I wait so long for him to come back and then he is just angry with me. He stays up even later and sulks and we don't talk to each other the next day either.

Sometimes I end up "apologising" for doing what he asked me not to do (being negative about poker when he is out late.) I can see that if he asks me directly not to do something because it has a negative impact on his game, then I should not do it. But I feel his attitude in general is wrong. If he is losing he should walk away and try another day. He says that's not how people dig themselves out of losses.

AIBU or is he BU?

I remember your posts about him before, no he's being unreasonable and has an addiction, it's all about him isn't it.

I couldn't be with a man that was like this, if you don't need the money then why are you being blamed for what is, his obsessional hobby.

He needs to grow up and knock the Poker on the head or, lose his relationship.

I am a bit confused. Is this his job? How can he spend 10 hours 3/4 times a week on this? There are professional poker players that do this for their living, is he one of them?

This seems to me the heart of the matter. If this is his job, then it is reasonable for him to do it, if it provides your income. If it is hobby, and doesn't provide much of an income, then it has come to dominate your life in a totally unreasonable way.

It would be reasonable to set limits on his play, agree certain nights he can play and where you won't text him, and other nights where he comes home to be with you and to do other activities.

I am not sure why you are watching TV like that- do you work out of the home as well? sitting around watching someone else live their life is tedious. My husband is a bit of a workaholic and I now work hard on my career as it is interesting and a good way to spend time rather than sitting around waiting for him or indeed depending on his income.

I'm guessing you don't have children, or when would he see them?

Surely it's not possible for you to 'jinx' anything, it's the luck of the hand, isn't it?

Do you both look at his poker playing as a job? Assuming he makes more than he loses. If so, could you decide between you the hours that he will play, and agree no texting during those hours unless it's an emergency. That way he can't resent you for spoiling his concentration, you do'nt have to endure endless recounts of games and stressful texts about losses, and you know when he's coming home.

If he can't adhere to that then I'd say that there is an addiction here and he's not in control of what he's doing.

x post!

The texting all the time when he's playing needs to stop though, it's boring for you and interfering with his concentration- just agree with him he doesn't need to text and you don't need to reply. You don't speak to him at work every 15 min do you?

If this is a substitute for interaction as a couple, it's rubbish. He needs to be spending a few nights a week with you anyway- otherwise what's the point of being together?

How in hell are you responsible for his losses?

He's the one sat there night after night gambling his money. He's the one responsible for his losses. Him. Not you, not the 'world being against him' or whatever other old bollocks he comes up with. Just him.

As for all that crap about you jinxing and having 'negative impact' on the his game - what a load of superstitious claptrap. Have you got magical powers or something with your 'jinxing' and 'throwing negativity'?

Seriously, what a complete and utter load of shite.

Your old man has got a serious gambling habit and whether he wins or loses it's 100% down to him.

I think you are a saint to put up with it. Out of the house playing poker 3 to 4 times a week, for stretches of 7 hours plus, rolling home in the early hours and then giving you a load of verbal abuse and telling you it's your fault when he loses.

I'd have been long gone I'm afraid.

Awomb great minds think alike. I think the confusion over what this is (job/hobby) and the confusion over what interaction would work (texting/interacting) during this time could be resolved. This would then at least let the OP see whether she wants to live like this.

I used to play poker for fun and profit. It was very important to me not to gamble money I couldn't afford to happily lose. The reason for this is because if I am worried about losing the money I will go on tilt as your husband says - make bad calls and stupid decisions, and lose overall. Even when the cards go your way, it is easy to mess it up when you have too much at stake. This is the case for many players. It sounds to me as if this is what is happening here. Perhaps he could try small stakes for a while to get his mojo back in a place where he doesn't care if he wins or loses?

In my opinion, it is never acceptable to blame another person for your own bad luck or bad decisions in the way your dh is blaming you. This is very wrong of him. If it is that important that he not be disturbed, presumably he could turn off his phone. Sometimes people lose. If he has had a long winning streak in the past he may think he is a much better player than he really is. Handling losing streaks and bad luck well is the sign of a skilled player as much as knowing when to fold or raise, probably more. Blaming others shows poor judgement and immaturity.

Regarding the late nights, I can't tell you how to live your life and don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but it seems to me that you must either accept he is a gambler and not text him asking him to come home, or not accept it and decide where this leaves you. Gambling addiction can be very hard to break and really the decision to stop can only come from the gambler - it is unlikely any amount of nagging, pleading, threatening, etc, will make any difference. I'm not saying this to be cruel, but in this case it does sound as if he may have a problem. If so, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you cannot cure it.

In the poker room you are allowed to text and the texting actually compensates for the fact that I never know when he is coming home. He cannot put limits on it, as he says that limits affect his game too. Ie if he knows he is playing with a time limit eg midnight, then he will definitely lose.

So it's no-win for me, really.

He has a job which only requires a couple of hours work a day (also in finance, but pretty dormant at the moment.) And even that he can do while he sits at the poker table because it's mainly over email, research and the occasional call.

I think he would like to be a professional poker player and he varies between telling me it's a job and then it's a hobby, but at the moment, the income does not reflect it being a job.

Because there is not a time-limit on his playing, my evenings just stretch out into oblivion. I don't know when he is coming home, so embarking on anything seems pointless. I know that's a stupid thing to say as I should just get on with my life. But the reason I married was to get on with my life, with him.

He's an addict isn't he. Blaming others for his decisions. If he isn't making money from it it's not a job! And you are behaving in a codependent way by constantly trying to reason with him about his addictive behaviour. He's no different really to the guy who spends every day Down the pub.

YANBU, but he is.

"Gambling addiction can be very hard to break and really the decision to stop can only come from the gambler - it is unlikely any amount of nagging, pleading, threatening, etc, will make any difference. I'm not saying this to be cruel, but in this case it does sound as if he may have a problem. If so, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you cannot cure it."

This is true I'm afraid. He does have a problem, but you can't do anything about that. The only one who can change him is him, and at the moment he doesn't seem think he has a problem.

What an idiot.LTB.He will only make you more unhappy.

Your post before indicated that he was rolling in it and you were enjoying the extra cash but like any gambling habit, the wins soon turn to losses, I'd not be happy with my partner doing this even if it was a main job. This Poker seems to be his priority in life whereas you just have to slot in.

Sorry but if you want to stay with him, agree living costs together and get yourself a life so you are not being used as a punch bag for his bad decisions.

Apart from all that, why would you even be interested in his game when you don't play it yourself or have an interest in it.

blaming you for his "bad luck" or a bad run is a hallmark of a problem gambler, I'm afraid. As is an inability to walk away from losses. I've read many biographies of successful professional gamblers (I work in racing so have an interest), and the one thing they never do, ever, is chase losses. Doing that causes mistakes. If he cannot walk away he shouldn't be gambling, and if he can't control his emotions, he's got a gambling problem.
Problem gamblers are amazingly good at pushing the blame onto anyone but themselves, whether it is the reason they gamble, or why they lose. A huge red flag in your OP is that he plays poker to get a "buzz" - that is precisely why gambling is so addictive and those who are addicted do it not for the money, but for the adrenaline and physiological response they get from winning (and losing).
None of this helps you immediately. He will not stop because you ask him to, he will only stop when he reaches a point of no return, whether that is losing too much money or risking losing his family. But at the moment ultimatums will only make him resent you or start lying. Gambling addicts are very hard to deal with psychologically as they are by nature secretive and angry.
I think you must detach yourself, emotionally and financially, as far as you can, and protect yourself from what might come. Stop waiting for him to come in, forge your own existence, and be ready to either walk away or pick up the pieces if he does come back to you prepared to try to change.
Stopping gambling is really hard, non-gamblers can't begin to understand, but there are physical symptoms (much like coming off drugs), due to the body being used to the extra dopamine activity triggered by the addict's response to gambling.
Good luck, I hope you make it through this.