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Original poster

2 years on and STBXH still won't give my photos back

19 replies

TigsytheTiger · 07/05/2014 08:56

Looking for advice on how to handle a situation. In the very long and trying process of trying to divorce STBXH. Mediation docs are bring finalised and divorce should follow on from that. He had an affair, was and is very controlling, had police caution for domestic violence. I was with him for nearly 9 years and my two children (now 14 and 16) lived with us. He left with no forwarding address and the one that appears on the current documents, I believe he left nearly 6 months ago.

When he left he took the family desktop PC, by agreement and I subsequently realised that all the photos of my kids growing up, birthday parties, Christmases etc are on the hard drive. Over a year ago I asked him to find a way to get these or copies to me. He agreed but since then despite further requests and reminders he hasn't done this. He is now just ignoring my last request. By the way I am not hounding him for these, I initially waited a couple of months and since then allow for time to elapse for him to do this.

I am gutted at the thought of never getting these photos but I'm at a loss to know what to do. It's not a big thing, I could just leave it but it's his last bit of control over something that has meaning for me.

OP posts:

Minime85 · 07/05/2014 09:00

could u provide him with blank disks that he then can copy photos onto for u? that way he can't say he is having to pay anything for it

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2014 09:10

He will never give up those photos willingly; he is still controlling you at a distance by using these photos against you. He sees it as further punishment against you for having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him.

Why are mediation documents being finalised given his previous behaviours, I would think very carefully about entering into any mediation with him at all because he will very likely remain unreasonable and infact I would not do so. You will likely co-operate with mediation but the abuser never co-operates.

cozietoesie · 07/05/2014 09:16

If you only have an address that he left 6 months ago, are you sure that your requests are reaching him? How is this all working?

If they are, I don't know what you can do about this 'in the open' as it were. He has the power to wipe all these off the hard drive at will and deny they were ever there so that gives him real power in this very small (but significant to you) area. (That assumes he still has the PC - if eg he's moving around, it might have been broken/discarded somewhere along the way.)

Is there really no way you can get some or all of them by talking to eg other family members/friends who might also have taken photos at events?

Otherwise, my temptation would be to just drop the topic entirely and see what results. (You might just find that they would 'come out of the woodwork' in dribs and drabs over the next few years as a means of continuing to stay in contact.) I fear, though, that you may have to reconcile yourself to their loss unless that's something you could tolerate.

bibliomania · 07/05/2014 09:59

If you can leave it, leave it. Yes, it's his last bit of control, but you don't get rid of his control by "winning", you get it by not letting it control you.

My exH ended up with all dd's baby photos after we split five years ago. He has said he won't give them to me, and I have no intention of showing him I care. I've been able to get some copies kept by other family members and there are a couple I emailed to myself or put on Facebook. And I take new ones that don't have my ex grinning away in them.

If you can't cure, all you can do is not care.

bragmatic · 07/05/2014 10:04

Can you provide the 16 yo with a disc and ask them to ask at the next access visit?

BigArea · 07/05/2014 10:13

Bragmatic I read it that they're not his children so presumably no access considering the history?

bragmatic · 07/05/2014 10:30

Ahhh. Ignore. Sorry.

mamas12 · 07/05/2014 10:42

I had this I made it part of the mediation and stipulated a date when they would be returned to me
Op do it in front if a third party ie mediator

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 07/05/2014 10:45

Good point mamas. OP can you make this part of the mediation that he gives you back the photos on a disk by a certain date? (and make sure you check the disk)

Original poster

TigsytheTiger · 07/05/2014 12:57

Yes thank you that's a good idea, we communicate by text and email only. He won't answer the phone to me and all messages take at least 48 hours for any sort of reply! My kids have nothing to do with him, he walked out on us after putting us all through hell for 3 months. He's a scumbag of the highest order and I'm well rid. He was a classic case of following the script. Sad there are so many out there like him.

OP posts:

BeCool · 07/05/2014 13:51

Are they your photos? Did you take them?

If so they are your intellectual property and if he doesn't return them to you why not report them as stolen by him?

I imagine that there are a few photos - so burning them to CD's would be a hassle - you need a massive USB stick or even better one of those proper portable hard drives.

Actually he could simply upload them to a file sharing website and you wouldn't need any physical contact at all. I would give him 2 weeks to do that, and let him you you will be reporting the theft of your photos to the police if he doesn't return them to you.

Original poster

TigsytheTiger · 07/05/2014 14:42

They are already on a portable hard drive and they are a mixture of photos taken by both of us, some have his kids in them too, so I don't think I can call it theft. Much as I would like to!!

OP posts:

Original poster

TigsytheTiger · 07/05/2014 14:43

I just want a copy of them all, so I can sort through them and discard the ones with him in! burn them

OP posts:

BeCool · 07/05/2014 15:06

OK so they are on portable hard drive not PC?
Did you have an agreement for him to take the portable hard drive as as well as the PC?

As you are in mediation then making the return of the hard drive a point of mediation seems to be a good route.

I wonder if the small claims court would deal with this kind of thing.

I would really want these photos returned.

Original poster

TigsytheTiger · 07/05/2014 15:12

Yes sorry they were on the desk top but I remember he backed them up on a portable hard drive. I know he won't give me the hard drive as he'll argue his kids photos are on there too, but I think mediation is the way to go. The meetings are all finished but I can email the Mediator and ask for this to be included.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2014 15:14

You can try but I doubt very much that he will be at all reasonable come mediation time.

And why was mediation suggested at all?. Mediation is not advisable to do in any case when there has been prior abuse. He could well try and pull the wool over the mediator's eyes.

magoria · 07/05/2014 18:08

Can you contact others who were at parties/events and see what pictures you can scrounge from them?

All friends and family.

They won't be the same but better than nothing.

Plus if you ask any mutual friends/his family it may shame him into actually giving you them.

Pinkballoon · 07/05/2014 20:26

Send a letter addressed to him at his workplace, politely requesting the photos.

Isetan · 09/05/2014 17:15

You wanting the photos is the only reason he hasn't returned them and there's nothing you can legally do to enforce their return. Your best chance of getting the photos back is to stop doing the one thing he wants, which is confirmation that you want the photos back. My advice is to play the long game and stop asking.

Can I ask why you hadn't included this request as part of the mediation? Or why you didn't make a back-up of the photos before allowing him to take the PC? I only ask because together with the repeated requests, I get the impression that you still hope he will be reasonable.

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