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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried about my sister

4 replies

ConcernedSis · 06/05/2014 20:03

My sister has been married to DH for 15 years. He always seemed very nice, family orientated, and DSis was happy.

After they had children, he became more and more aggressive and eventually managed to make her cut all ties with friends. He tried to do the same with family by making her have separate phones for him and us etc., but thus far he has failed to do so. He also controls everything that she does, even picks out her clothes.

Recently he has been getting worse and DSis is becoming more and more reclusive. She was once an outgoing, confident, extrovert and now she is merely a shell of that. She won't talk to me about anything but I can tell that things are getting worse. Niece (10) is starting to act out and cry a lot and has recently told me she hates being at home. Nephew (13) is moody and irritable, but that could just be general teenage behaviour.

I have no reason to believe that he has been physically abusive, although the way things have been recently I wouldn't put it past him.

I really don't know what to do to help. As her younger sister, she doesn't want to listen to my advice because she thinks that I 'just don't understand'. I don't want to push her further from family and even more towards him. She won't leave him because as far as she is concerned, she has no way of doing so financially. I think she's also worried that he'll just follow her wherever she goes, but she won't say that.

OP posts:
gibbly · 06/05/2014 20:10

Maybe just tell her you see the effect his behavior is having on her and more importantly the children but that you understand it's up to her. Reassure her that your there for her 100% and that she can always go to you. Sorry I'm not much help but if you just tell her to leave him chances are she will bury her head further in the sand

ConcernedSis · 06/05/2014 20:34

Thank you. Burying her head is what I'm worried about. I'll try that, I hope she takes it into consideration.

OP posts:
something2say · 06/05/2014 20:42

Ask her if she would like to speak to someone at her local DV service. Maybe ring the, yourself and have a chat, them you can tell her how friendly they are and the fact that they might be able to advise her on safety when with him, or on her legal options should she ever consider leaving. Let her know that there is a whole raft of help out there for her if she ever decides she has had enough or wants to get some ideas on things she could do. I also wonder whether the kids will get picked up by school. If the child is acting out, good. Maybe someone will do something. Social services would be obliged to and that is why I like their involvement so much. Things always get better once they've been in x

ConcernedSis · 06/05/2014 20:48

Thank you. I have also just emailed Women's Aid (inspired by another thread) so I hope that they can get back to me with some advice.

From what I can tell, I think Nephew's school has already. He told me recently that he's been given an adult mentor at school, which as far as I know they only give to children that they are concerned about. He asked me not to tell his parents as he thinks that they will just tell him off for telling people about their personal lives. I kept his secrets as, unfortunately, I can't say I disagree. I'm not sure SS involvement will help much. DSis has always had issues with authoritative agencies (even pre-marriage) as has BIL. I can only see their involvement making things worse for both her and the children.

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