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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

advice on childs behaviour

26 replies

jesy · 06/05/2014 18:11

Bit of background I'm working as a kids nanny at the moment. It's ok pay crap ext but the one child is great but the other is 4 and can be a right pain in the ads.
Tonight eating tea I asked if wanted help yelled at me saying get away from me and then scratched me nothing major but due to a condition I bruise badly .
Meal times seem to have the same format a nd to be honest I'm sick of it, I know he a kid but can be quite nasty pushed the brother today Nd I asked what happened and he just grinned at me I'm not sure anyone can help just needed to say lol

OP posts:
StarGazeyPond · 06/05/2014 22:29

Surely your 'nanny training' has taught you how to deal with different scenarios?

ArabellaRockerfella · 06/05/2014 23:44

Watch some SuperNanny programmes or get her book she has some really effective techniques, Toddler Taming is another good one. My top tips would be: Clear boundaries, clear instructions, swift and consistent consequences, no giving in the whinging and tantrums.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 07/05/2014 10:39

I would think a discussion with the parents as well to see what their view on it is and what tact they would like you to take. I say this merely because (as I'm sure you're aware if you're a trained nanny) children often respond differently to behaviour management techniques and the parents may have some helpful information that can assist you in what will work best.

How long have you been working with these children?

jesy · 07/05/2014 17:31

About three months , but I'm also fifth nanny in a year.I took the job as I was desperate and have started to look elsewhere

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 07/05/2014 17:37

This is interesting. You say you've been with them 3 months, but it's just this behaviour yesterday and today that has upset you? Surely after being there 3 months, you would have discussed any behaviour problems with the parents and set up some behaviour management techniques to work on, then reassess to see if they're helping, right?

Have you done this?

Onesleeptillwembley · 07/05/2014 17:45

Are you actually a nanny? Or just someone that's looking after the children? If you're a nanny then what did you learn about this in your training?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/05/2014 17:54

Bad behaviour in small children is often attention-seeking. They don't actually care if you're yelling or laughing, as long as their actions get your attention. In this case, if you're their fifth nanny in a year, the attention he really craves is that of his parents. He knows that you'll quit if he keeps up the hitting etc and that's probably his intention.

jesy · 07/05/2014 17:57

My training was about 18 years ago and I'm qualified .
But had to return to it ,last year.
It's been last couple weeks, I've took the same tact the mum does standing my ground .
MAybe the jobs not for me, it's not just the tantrums I think on the whole I'm fed up

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/05/2014 18:38

So one DC is easy going, the other is a demanding child. Try and treat each morning as a fresh slate, try not to get into the mindset of thinking A is so sweet, B is a pita. It sounds as if your employer is happy to let you do as you think best. Go overboard with positive reinforcement, praise, reassurance. Ignore irritating behaviour as much as you can. Keep instructions to that DC clear and short.

What age group are you dealing with? If he has only limited vocabulary he becomes frustrated when he can’t articulate what he does or doesn't want or how he's feeling. Lashing out, anger, or defiance is going to be his way of showing he is overwhelmed by events he can't control.

Without making it obvious keep an eye on that child and recognise the flashpoints - mealtime, low blood sugar, anything he struggles with, or any action he perceives as competitive.

It might be a tough gig but the next one could be worse. If your boss is amenable and one DC is pleasant it could be worth persevering.

jesy · 07/05/2014 18:44

It's not helping I've taken a ten grand plus pay cut.plus my holiday alliance is appalling conspired to a girl I know .
I have a few days off soon hopefully I'll feel better soon

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/05/2014 20:13

It's supposed to be easier looking for a job from a job though. As long as you don't badmouth your current employer.

You said you are feeling fed up generally so that can't help. Something in particular?

jesy · 07/05/2014 20:33

I'd not do that I like them ,
Long story was treated badly at work , was about to get own place but that fell thru , think my mum getting dementia and this is awful but I'm scared of being the one who ends up looking after her I know what a bitch but I want a life of my own to be a proper grown up lol I know that sounds odd but it way I feel

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voddiekeepsmesane · 07/05/2014 20:45

4 year olds ARE demanding. And usually around this stage they are going through a new push the barriers stage. Having trained 25 years ago as a nursery nurse and having many nanny and nursery jobs this is normal behaviour. If you find this too much and are still bitter about taking a pay cut with bad holiday conditions maybe nannying isn't for you. As for the situation with your mum perhaps carers direct through the NHS may be able to help support you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/05/2014 21:13

On MN there are pages in the Mental Health and also in the category "Other Stuff" Carers and Elderly Parents sections which might help, sorry am on my phone so not good at doing links.

jesy · 07/05/2014 21:13

It not that bad yet with her. I'm a nurse It sounds bad but I worked hard to become one but now jobs rare.
The job not for mm e but I have bills to pay and I refuse to be a charity case.
Trouble is family nice and most of time kid fine it's meal times

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/05/2014 22:44

Not knowing the ages it's hard to advise. What about using a booster seat to strap him into? If he's too big for this just ignore him. Messing around at mealtime is a guaranteed way to get attention. Don't hold up the meal. Don't chase him. Discuss with the mother and if he fools around not touching the meal in question, he misses out. No audience, no drama. Pick up his plate and take it out of reach.

badbaldingballerina123 · 08/05/2014 00:43

A parent becoming seriously ill is incredibly frightening , it's not being a bitch to worry about her need for care , alongside your own need to have a life. Have you talked to other family members about this ?

Deathraystare · 08/05/2014 08:16

Unfortunately you are still feeling resentful about your last job. I doubt you can really compare both jobs so don't keep thinking about the pay cut (though obviously you can't help that with budgeting etc). Look on this as a stop gap whilst you look for other jobs.

When you are with the children don't think of jobs or money but concentrate on them. As the others have said the child may be doing stuff for attention. He may feel jealous of the other child, perhaps the other one is more favoured by parents, perhaps he would actually like to see more of his parents? It sounds like this is ongoing as there have been a number of other nannies. Praise him and give a cuddle when he behaves, does things properly. It is all very well people going on about Supernanny but you only see the good results, I am sure she had her failures too! Plus she worked with the parents.

Start job hunting now and when you leave, don't see it as a failure. Your next job, whatever it is should pay more or again you will feel worthless (not that nannying is worthless, far from it. I take my hat off to anyone looking after ids, their own or others). But after your last job, your confidence was knocked (as was mine). It might not seem so now, but this job, although not what you wanted to do, might not look so out of lace on your cv. Negotiating with awkward client/boss/workmate - check!

As for your mum - has she been diagnosed by a doctor? Ask them if she could get a health care evaluation to assess how much care she needs in the home. My mum is pretty much bed bound and gets an allowance for carers. SHe has two carers, four times a day (the maximum allowable). Carers do all sorts of things. As I live with her (for now), I do the meals and drugs and (try to!) encourage her to drink more. They top and tail her, change her pads and pants, empty her catheter etc. I also do the shopping.

Hope that helps.

Deathraystare · 08/05/2014 08:20

Another thing. Have you asked about power of attorney? That is where you can some control over her finances and maybe also medical treatment too. Ask Citizens Advice or Age Concern about this is you don't already have it in place.

Ours is going throgh for our mum and aunt.

jesy · 08/05/2014 17:31

Mum not bad , but I can see issues in future the other day she flipped yelled at me and my dog telling me to get out n take the dog she scared the dog who adores my mum in fact the dog won't leave her side , my fell and broke her hip four yr ago and wen ambulance crew arrived my 14 week old pup was buy her side.

Job been ok today he ate lunch although I did have my hand on t. Remote saying telly . Would go off if didn't eat.
Was one incident with the sibling where he bit after being told off and HD cried he did say sorry.
I did wonder if not eating well in school ?

I am looking for . Another job was offered one at 29 grand a year it it aS to far away.but I'll keep looking.
Yes still resentful over last job I was basically put thru a few years of up n downs , promised a promotion which I worked my ass of and it ripped away as I was accused of some thing I didn't do and had to lie to ppl and say I'd changed my mind

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Margocat · 08/05/2014 22:08

I'm very sorry you're having a hard time, but I have to say you don't sound like you should be working with these children at the moment. They are young and need loving care from people who are fond of them, not by people who describe them as a pain in the arse.

Perhaps think about getting into a less stressful role whilst you have so much other stuff going on in your life? Or ask for help from the family, maybe they have techniques that they already use which you could copy.

Hope things improve for you.

jesy · 09/05/2014 08:57

I am fond of them , every night I get a hug of them . I am used to stress I used to work in intensive care. He reacts this way with family too and I'm not surprised being messed around with different nannys.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/05/2014 09:21

OP says she's been there 3 months so not giving up easily, and plenty of parents and carers post on MN it doesn't mean they're all unfit to care for less than cherubic DCs. But I agree a less stressful job while you sort out your DM's situation would be a godsend.

Sorry to hear he was biting how did you react? A verbal reproof but no biting nor picking him up? I heard the best way is to focus attention on the injured party instead. Even negative attention might occur to him as encouragement to do it again.

Five nannies in a year sound a lot. If you are able to win round the DC currently giving you trouble, it still doesn't make the salary any more palatable if you consider yourself underpaid. Maybe if the parents see a significant improvement in his behaviour they will give you a pay rise to keep you. Otoh with summer coming they might have holiday plans that don't include you anyway.

jesy · 09/05/2014 09:32

They away this next week
So no pay for me !

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/05/2014 09:39

Have you looked into short term agency work?

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