Where do I go from here...

[SarahJsm]

OK here goes...I have looked at various topics on Mumsnet and not sure any cover my particular problem...I am in my mid forties and have been married for 22 years and have a wonderful 14 yr old Son...a few years go I discovered my husband likes to crossdress, after confronting him he was full of remorse and promised he would stop...since then whilst we have had an otherwise normal relationship we have not had a physical relationship for the last 8 years...I recently discovered that far from stopping with the cross dressing he has been on Transvestite dating sites and meeting with other cross dressers, this included the discovery of explicit pictures of his meetings...I was shocked and threw him out of the house for a few days but for the sake of our son have allowed him back, but don't know where to go...he claims it was all part of his previous activity that he didn't want to admit to at the time, but kept pictures for his own gratification and was on dating site for vicarious thrill...not sure I believe him and not sure where we go from here...in all other respects everything is ok, we have a wonderful son and don't want to create upheaval in his life and husband works hard in high pressure job to provide for a comfortable lifestyle...whilst I expect many replies to tell me to wake up and leave him it is not as simple...we have known each other for nearly 30yrs to throw everything away doesn't seem the right answer but equally his behaviour is unacceptable and I am not sure he has really given up his secret second life...

Most cross dressers can't stop so not surprised it was still going on behind your back.

No sexual relationship for 8 years and he's on dating sites, that's the deal breaker for me.

Don't get why you took him back for the sake of your son, it's you who is married to him and having to put up with whatever he is throwing at you, at 14, your son will be able to handle a separation, he can still see both his parents. It's not a world where we've made our bed so we lie in it, not when your partner is showing nothing but contempt and disrespect for you.

The son and the comfortable lifestyle wouldn't be anywhere near enough for me to want to continue in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit.

Sorry OP if you don't want to do anything about it, then accept this is the way it is.

Thank you, I understand and appreciate the feedback and from an external in perspective would agree, the. No sex thing is at my behest as the images of him dressed have turned me off. I am forgiving by nature but no door mat, if we didn't have a Son and nearly 30 yrs of shared history then I would be off like a shot...however that isn't the case hence my dilemma...

So why are you staying, there's no relationship there, you are just co parenting, you could both still do that but live separately and perhaps find happiness with someone who's on the same sheet as you?

I think your son being 14, he will more than survive his parents splitting up. That's a red herring, I feel.

About DH. Look, the man is a transvestite. That is not his fault, it's generally an issue of how his brain is wired from birth, it's no-one's fault. He might feel ashamed, etc., but it's not going away, is it? I'm sure he probably loves you, and wishes he wasn't like this, but he can't change who he is, he needs to let that go and start rebuilding a life that's true to him.

This is really not going to work. You both need to move on. Get a counsellor, talk it out, separate as amicably as you can and concentrate on finding your places in the world without each other.

You don't need to throw each other to the wolves, shout, scream, beg, nothing like that. If he tries to get you to make a go of it, I'm sorry, he's being silly. He can't expect a marriage to function like this.

It seems to me that you've had an amicable marriage and a long time together. Sometimes relationships run their course, change direction and there really is no need for animosity ... just change.
This would be a deal-breaker for me and it seems to be for you. If there is no intent to harm each other or, as oikopolis says, "throw each other to the wolves" why not accept new directions and allow a dignified change to occur? It's worth thinking about in my opinion ...

Thanks all for the replies, it does help in thinking this through. Oikopolis and tipsy trifle are correct in that otherwise we have an amicable relationship and get along well, DH has also been incredibly supportive during recent illness with my Mother. I can't ever seeing myself ever wanting to have sex with Dh again and to some degree understand that he is hard wired as a cross dresser so that won't go away and will lead to more deceit, everything points too a split but somehow can't bear the heartache that will cause. The easier but possibly wrong course is to carry on. Will mull further before deciding...

OP, you don't have to divorce him if you don't want to.

If you want to stay together, do, but at least talk frankly about his sexual needs and so on. He is human and probably feels terribly lonely and ashamed of himself. I think it's quite cruel to expect him to be celibate, basically tell him he disgusts you and you're no longer attracted to him (you don't say this but I assume he at least thinks this is what you think) and throw him out/shame him when he inevitably gives in to his natural orientation.

It's not that I think you should be OK with him cheating on you -- it's just... you can't force him not to be a transvestite, and you say yourself that you can't sleep with him knowing that he is a transvestite. So let him go and be a transvestite with someone else (whatever that looks like for him, I'm not sure), at the very least.

Maybe you can work on becoming very good friends who love and support each other and live together, perhaps for many more years, while he slowly feels his way through accepting himself, etc. etc.

I do very much think that therapy would help you both. A lot. This is complicated stuff.

Thank you Oikopolis...as you say complicated stuff , but appreciate your counsel...I understand the point about DS being old enough to cope, however am also aware these are formative years so don't want to jeopardise that with upheaval...the issue will be can we reconcile his sexual desires with everything else...he claims that this is driven by a fetish and that the cross dressing part is just an extreme end to that spectrum....he has always expressed a desire for me to dress up in thigh boots and other dominant paraphernalia, which I had never been keen on so was just pushed aside...there is a sense on his side of relief that his secret is out in the open with me and believes that he can manage the cross dressing desire and dial back to less extreme sexual fetish, but still on the female domination theme...I am willing to try counselling and agree that in everything else we have a good relationship, but at this stage can't get the images of him with other cross dressers out of my head which is a complete block on any future sexual aspect of our relationship...I can live with a non sexual relationship as I have a low libido but that may be storing up a future problem...

You keep mentioning the 30 years of shared history etc but you're only mid-forties and easily have another 30 years ahead of you. There's nothing noble about sacrificing your own happiness, even if you think you're doing it for the sake of someone else i.e, your son. Chances are he knows that your relationship is abnormal and that he knows you're miserable. Growing up in that kind of environment can be more subtly damaging than is appreciated.

I know it's a cliche but you only have one life. Don't waste it. You could be happy and so could he. Separately.

The cross dressing is a red herring for me.

The key issue is that you quite rightly had boundaries about dating sites and sexual activity with anyone other than you. In a marriage you should expect those boundaries to be respected.

The fact that your husband has put his wants above your needs means it's him, not you, that have thrown away your marriage. Even if you did stay together you don't have the marriage your son needs as his example.

I have certain things I would like to include in my sex life, DH has certain things he'd like. We don't include them because the partner doesn't want to, simple as that!

It doesn't matter what the issue is, if the other person can't live by those boundaries they should at the very least do their partner the courtesy of giving them the choice whether to allow. If you love somebody, that means you put their needs at least on a par with yours, if not above.
The fact that your DH placed more importance on his activities shows he doesn't value or respect you as much as you deserve.

Lastly, my parents stayed to get her for my sake and it did not give me a great example of what marriage should be, despite their best intentions. I have had a number if issues as a result before mostly working through them and finding my OH. Even so, I'm not the person I'd like to be for my DH because I've not entirely been able to deal with things.

Living a lie, be it your husbands to supposedly save your feelings, or your joint lie for the sake of your son, may not be the best thing.

If you stay, do it because you want to stay in the marriage and don't try to justify it as being in your sons best interests. Having been the child that happened for I can tell you it's not the great life you want for him.