Feeling empty, alone and so unhappy. When will this end?

[Lottapianos]

I've been in therapy for 4 years. I'm coming to terms with my emotionally abusive upbringing, and grieving for the loss of the relationship I thought I had with my parents. GP diagnosed me with depression and severe anxiety about 18 months ago, I was on ADs for 6 months which helped but it was horrible going on and coming off them. Not keen on going back on meds. I can usually manage the depression through a really healthy diet, exercise, cutting down on sugar and booze and no caffeine. I have good days and bad days.

Today is a bad day. I hate my job. I feel like I have nothing left to give anyone. I sometimes resent my DP's physical affection - it just feels like his demands are too much, even though he's very supportive and wonderful. And yet I feel so alone and like no-one understands what is going on for me. I talk to my friends and they mean well but they don't get it at all. I can usually put on a smile at work and play the role I'm expected to, but I can't explain how utterly exhausting this is. I feel like curling up in bed alone and crying my heart out. I am so very unhappy all the time. I just want to feel content deep down instead of tortured by angst all the time.

I'm so tired of feeling like this and I'm so resentful and so angry about it. I don't know what I'm asking for, I'm just really struggling today and feeling very alone.

Firstly, massive hugs . Take a deep breath.... it's a bad day - we all have them, I'm having one myself !!

Your depression seems deep-rooted since it stems from childhood fi I've read correctly. Which means you really have to battle against it - that is exhausting and would be for any one of us. Depression is awful and leaves you feeling like there's no way to go on and yes, you do feel utterly and totally alone in your misery, but let me tell you, millions of people know depression and understand how isolated you feel.

When you're feeling like this you have to take baby steps. You have a caring and wonderful partner - wow, lucky you, plenty of us don't have that. Be thankful for that and allow your DP to support you. Find some small thing that might just lift you a tiny bit. A facemask, a bunch of magazines, a nice meal, talking with a good friend, a walk out for fresh air.... reading a good book. It can be anything, and I know this sounds simplistic but it's about changing your mindset albeit for a few minutes.

I'm sure you're a beautiful person with so much going for you - you deserve happiness as much as anyone else - doesn't matter that you have off days - happens to us all, life is hard and sometimes so unforgiving. But life is out there....

Thank you lemonbabe. Yes it's incredibly deep rooted and leaves me feeling floored with exhaustion. I have just been to the toilet (am at work) and had a discreet cry, and gave myself a pep talk about how it's a bad day and that's allowed and it will pass. I'm going to go home early, make a very healthy dinner, drink some water or decaf tea and go to bed really early.

My sister has been visiting over the weekend - we get along mostly ok but she reminds me of our mother in so many ways and she shares some of my mother's more challenging behaviours. So even though the weekend went ok, I realise now it's over that I've been having to do a lot of 'coping' over the last few days and it's been harder work than I realised. And Im also sad that our relationship isn't closer and it's just brought up the whole family grief thing again. So I'm struggling but I know I will feel better again.

Thank you for your kind words

You WILL feel better - hold onto that. You know, families are there, we didn't chose them !! That sounds awful but at the end of the day, it's a fact that it's not necessarily a blood bond that's going to mean you get on and actually like each other !!! There are times I adore my sis and others where, quite frankly, she's awful to me, just awful.

When someone decides to be there for you, you need to learn to take that support and use it as much as you can. That person will always have their capacities and their personality which may not suit you - nonetheless, that person chooses to be there for you - that in itself it something to be treasured.

Don't be too hard on yourself today. Quite right to get home early - nurture yourself when you get home: nice food, telly, book, bath, nail varnish, whatever it'll take.

Wherever you can remove yourself from situations or people that make you feel negative feelings - even if this is just temporary - don't feel obliged to please people.

It sounds to me like you've really got your head screwed on, eating properly, therapy, relationship.... this is already fantastic.

'don't feel obliged to please people. '

I am getting much better at this! I held firm in a meeting this morning when a colleague who I find weak willed and incredibly needy kept thinking and re-thinking and re-thinking a situation where she made a poor decision and it negatively affected the rest of the team. I wanted to scream and I think she wanted me to reassure her it was all ok but I just gave her a neutral expression instead. It's not down to me to make her feel better about her mess up.

Oh god I just cannot be doing with other people today Going home soon. Thank you again x

You're welcome - Learning to please yourself and not being at other people's beck and call is a beautiful thing, and I thing I am trying out for myself. Sometimes we put so much into pleasing others it affects ourselves.

Feet up and empty your mind of negative thoughts ... tomorrow's another day