for a friend - NC with MIL, now daughter (granddaughter) wishes to contact..

[wallaby73]

Posting for my good friend who, with her husband, has been NC with his mother for several years, i would guess about 7 years, with years prior to that of alarming behaviour. She is definately a narc, has an enabling husband, has lied about serious illnesses several times, seriously manipulative, abusive emails, doorstepping....let's just say they have a file of paperwork should they ever need to take legal steps. However now their DD has expressed a wish to contact her grandmother....and my friend is at a loss as to how to deal with this. Her DD does not know the nitty gritty as to why they eventually went NC, seems to me it's a fine balance between wanting to protect her DD but also recognising that she is getting to an age where she feels she may want to make her own mind up; also whther the MIL can be trusted not to rant and re-write history...even whether it should be supervised.....anyone any experience of this? The DD is 13. Any thoughts much appreciated.

Forbidden fruit tastes sweeter. A blanket refusal or failure to rationalise it will just make the DD more determined. Has the MIL or a family member acting on her behalf made covert contact and put the idea in your friend's DD's head?

I would take it as a given the MIL will rewrite history and if not one then both parents will get portrayed unfavourably. Toxic people don't change their spots and delight in meddling with the non - combatants.

I personally would take the opportunity to spell out the 'nitty gritty' to the DD and point out that if the door is open a crack then the whole family is at risk. We don't go to extreme lengths to protect ourselves then at first moment of curiosity hand a teen a loaded gun or bag of drugs and say here see for yourself.

Thanks Donkeys, invaluable advice there. I have no personal experience of this but my friend is understandibly very anxious about it. you are bang on about taking it as a given that history will be re-written and parents portrayed unfavourably. That's exactley what I would assume....

What Donkeys wrote here in its entirety.

BTW grandparents have no automatic rights of access to their grandchildren in this country.

The dd is 13. She can have the whole lot explained to her. Tbh, I'd explain something like this to my 8yo.

Probably the dd has friends with nice grandmothers and naively thinks that if she is nice to her estranged grandmother, everything will be rosy.

As she is 13, i think they should give her the truth as to why the went no contact, if need be show her proof, then let the girl make up her mind.

Atleast that way, she'll be going in with her eyes open.

My friend was in the same position as the DD in your scenario, except it was her mum's Dad that she wanted to contact. Her mum had been NC for some years, but never really explained why - and my friend wanted to get to know her grandfather so her mum gave in and gave her the contact details.

Let's just say it wasn't the biggest success - he was an alcoholic among other issues - and my friend wished that she'd left well alone after a few years. :(

I think your friend should give her DD an explanation as to why they've gone non-contact - the DD may still decide that she wants to know her anyway, but at least she will have been pre-warned what her grandmother is actually like. She may change her mind.
But what your friend must not do is try to stop her from seeing her grandmother, of course - delay it, by all means, but not actually prevent it.

I don't really understand the idea of allowing very young teens or children to make their own mind up about these things. If they had a really dodgy older friend , we wouldn't say , well you can make your own mind up , and actually well supervise you , we would say , your not spending time with that person again. Same goes for choice of school , tattoos , or deciding whether they want to do their homework or not. They don't get to decide , we do.

I've had similar and I've simply said they're not nice , we don't have contact , and that's that. 13 year old girls are renowned for drama , so I wouldn't go into the details. I would simply state she's not nice and we don't see her. In fact if it started being a teen drama issue I'd say it wasn't up for discussion. Teens love upsetting their parents and being rebellious.

I don't know why anyone , ever , would even consider having their kids round these people. When you've got a dossier of bad behaviour , why would you even consider a young child having contact with them ?

I would explain exactly why the NC happened, and say once she is 16/18, she is free to make her own choices. I contacted my GF at 16, as my GM had died without me really knowing her at all, due to historical issues between both of them and my parents. Our subsequent relationship (I went to visit a few times a year) had nothing to do with the relationship between him and my parents, and I am still glad I did it. He hadn't been the protagonist though, he'd pretty much gone along with his wife's wishes as far as I could tell, and was willing to make a fresh start. I knew the background before I visited, so knew what I might need to look out for.

I agree with Badbaldiingballerina. I am a GM, MIL, SIL, DIL etc and I think 13 is a bit young to make her own mind up about meeting relatives you consider Toxic. I also think it might be wise to say to her that of course they can meet , but in a few years , as you are concerned that she might get hurt. My son as an adult had to have contact with my sister as his GF was living with her and he luckily came to the same conclusion about her as me. Yea! As I tried hard not to influence him. I don't know what would have happened had he been thirteen as my DS is very charming and manipulative.
It is a horrible situation when the ones you love want to meet toxic relatives, or even love your toxic relatives. I have a cousin that told me that my sister ,who I have NC with, was like a sister to her! Mmmm she got the sister that I never had. I would like the sister she has. Needless to say my cousin is about as sensitive as a block of wood.

I went NC with mother and stepfather when my DD's were 15 and 12 - 3 years ago. The girls were aware of the reason why. I think your friend needs to be honest with her DD about the resins for NC and how destructive her GM is. My DD's had a good relationship with their grandparents. The elder one supports the break, the younger one is unsure but she accepts that it is not a good idea to contact them.

Badbaldiingballerina and toyoungtodie - the problem with your approach is twofold:
when would you consider her old enough to make up her own mind?
And how are you going to stop her doing it behind her parents back, a 13 year old goes out by herself, goes to visit friends etc. She has plenty of time to sneak behind her parents back. (A 8 year old would not).

By being open and honest her parents can: set ground rules if there is any contact (so her grandmother cannot just use her to abuse her father, or even gain information she should not have). Secondly they can for warn her and protect her.

If one of my DC wanted to see someone we had gone NC with, I would start by calmly explaining why, and what incidents had caused the NC. We would then negotiate on how any contact might take place - from anonymised emails, meeting in a public place (supervised by a trusted friend) or whatever. However my DC would I believe in most circumstances decide not to go ahead if not forbidden and they were fully aware of the facts.