Advice about my sister!

[flossy100]

I am having some trouble with my sister and would quite like external opinions as it is obviously very personal to me so I may not be seeing clearly.

Background: I am nearly 25 and my sister is nearly 30. I am a student and now work part time (previously full time but now retraining) and live with my husband of 1 year in our first house that we bought together 6 months ago. My sister works full time, has her own property which she rents out as she relocated a couple of years ago and now rents a room in a shared house full time. She had a long term relationship which ended 4 years ago. My husband and I, my sister and my parents all live in different cities so meeting up always requires travel.

We have quite different lifestyles in that my priorities are to spend time with my husband, see my friends, try and sort our house out as a lot of it is being renovated, get part time work where I can to help pay for said house, see family every now and then, etc. I am more of a home person. My sister's priorities are socialising (approx 5-6 times a week on average) and being as busy as possible, going to music festivals, events that are on in the city she lives etc. She will say 'maybe' to going to 3 gatherings at one time and then drop whichever two she doesn't fancy when it comes to going.

Now this is all OK, we both enjoy what we do with our time and everyone is happy. The part where it becomes problematic is that since her long term relationship ended she seems to view me as some kind of playmate to fill her time. This started with her calling me every evening while she walks home from work (approx 45 mins). This was OK at first, but always coincided with when I cook the dinner, and when I said so she then tried to make out that I am some sort of oppressed wife just because it is me who cooks the dinner and not my husband. So I started answering once in a while for a catch up rather than just a 'I'm bored' conversation. She emails me frequently when she is at work as I don't work full time so I'm 'not doing anything'. The frequency of how much she wants to meet up at weekends also keeps increasing and increasing.

The way the situation is now it feels like she wants to meet up constantly. My finances are limited as I get a bursary and am trying to save for important things and I just cannot justify paying so much money on petrol and all these activities she wants to do all the time. An example of this is my parents are going abroad for a week and she wants me to stay at their empty house with her so we can have fun, but she expects me to turn down hours for my part time job (which I need!) to do so. I have refused to do this. Last year she wanted to meet 3 times in one month and when I said she could choose one of the weekends as I couldn't afford all of them she sulked. What prompted me to post this was that I hadn't yet decided if I am visiting my parents for Sunday lunch and she threw a strop as she needed to know as if I was going she would bother to visit too, but if I wasn't she was going to have lunch with someone else. The other side of this is that I never get to spend any time with my parents alone as it always has to be turned into a big weekend where we do lots of things if I just want to visit them for a bit.

Thanks for reading if you have got this far.... reading back I now think I sound like a horrible cow but this can't continue as it feels like she is taking over my life!

Well obviously you can see her when you want.

Difficult her wanting to see parents at the same time as you though, unless you can be sure of seeing them when she has already booked something else.

Does she ever visit parents alone?

I'm thinking it's not possible to tell her to see her friend whether or not you decide to see your parents?

Also, if you make an arrangement with your parents are they likely to tell her so that she could turn up anyway?

How far apart are you all?

If you go for lunch Sunday, could you go for the morning plus lunch, so that you get time with parents, then leave after lunch regardless of what anyone else is doing?

I would refuse to see your sister unless you have a date for her. She needs a DP!

Sounds like she needs to get a life. It's nice wants to spend time with you but she should really get a group of friends if she wants to be entertained all of the time.

I know it's hard but you're not helping yourself here. Don't answer the phone and say it's inconvenient - just don't answer. Don't answer emails if you're busy. Don't go out if you're broke.

You are not responsible for your sister's feelings. You are responsible for setting clear boundaries.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I think you are right Appletini I should ignore the calls and not enter into conversation as this enables her.

I am approx 1 hour 45 mins drive from my parents and my sister. My sister is 2 and a half hours drive from my parents.

I think if I made an arrangement with my parents she would find out and they would be unwilling to lie to her about it, which I can understand. The only solution I have found is that I visit with my DH on a time when she definetely can't go, i.e. when she is going to a wedding or something.

She rarely visits parents alone and seems unwilling to visit unless I go as then it's 'worth it'.

A lot of this I think has stemmed from her breakup in that since that happened she seems to be getting more and more immature. I feel at the moment that I am in the big sister role which I think makes it all the more awkward.

I also feel like there is a bit of an unspoken power struggle between my DH and my sister as I think she feels she should have priority over him?

Can't you invite your parents to visit you for a weekend? Maybe she can come for ie Sunday lunch, or not if you prefer. Is she asks to come you just say 'oh not this time, it's ages since I've seen mum and dad alone'. Don't give in to strops. She needs to grow up. You need to set up some boundaries and stick to them.

Good luck.

.... I feel at the moment that I am in the big sister role ......

Actually, I think that at the moment, you're increasingly being cast in the role of her significant other and until she gets one (or a consuming interest) in real life, I'm not sure what you can do about it other than try to manage it as you're doing.

Can she handle being on her own?

Tbh I imagine for all her busy life and social whirl, DSis is not waving but drowning. For some reason she has decided to claim you and your free time. You're doing well to strike a balance between support and keeping a healthy distance. So no you're not a cow.

The DH/DSis power struggle theory is interesting. Don't ever preface a declined summons invitation with the words "DH wants to..." or "DH already booked..." use "I".

She's trying to control you but you are both grown women now.

When she was with her DP how much did you two get together?

Start by being open if not blunt. Next time she starts being dictatorial, you can tell her you feel suffocated. Money issues or not you should spend free time as you wish. Don't try and sneak around or get your parents to lie. Meet them elsewhere. Sulks and strops so what. She shoots herself in the foot so if you're getting fed up say so.

My sister has gone a bit like this since she split up from her husband.

She used never to bother socialising with me but now picks and chooses what she wants to do with me - i.e. it's always something that suits her, not necessarily me.

I have practised a firm "No, that doesn't suit" and I find the less explanations I give for a refusal, the easier it is (she then has nothing to argue against!)

Can you invite her for things that suit you - i.e. cheapo/free activities, things that you are interested in. Then, when she refuses, it's much easier for you to say No to something that you don't want to do. (also, spike her guns by mentioning these invites to your folks e.g. "I'm doing X at the weekend, I think I'll invite sis", then a day or two later "Oh, I invited sis to that thing, she didn't fancy it" - so if she decides to do the martyr "I'm never included in anything!" it will be clear that she's being a pain)

Btw, throwing a strop because you have to work is incredibly childish of her! Next time she does that, tell her you will take part in whatever activity she is suggesting if a) she pays for you to go and b) she compensates you for the work you are missing. You may soon find that she goes very quiet if you outline in detail how much this is costing you and that you expect her to make up this expense to you

Yy to DSis is not waving but drowning. Be there for her as much as you can/as much as you want to, but know your own boundaries. Practice saying no in nice ways:

"I love you lots, but I can't afford 3 weekends away this month"
"I would love to come to Mum and Dad's for the week, but I have to work that week/am stone broke/can only come for 2 days"
"It's great to get all of your emails (amazing that they let you send so many private emails from work!). Am working hard today, so will reply tomorrow."
"It's great to chat, but I had my phone off when I was cooking/working/relaxing. What's your news?"

No you are not horrible, she is controlling and trying to manipulate, be kind, gentle but say no when you want to, don't be bullied into anything!

Hmmm, for some of this I can sympathise with her! I prefer going to my mums when my sister is there as the conversation is much easier, I find it hard to talk to my mum sometimes, maybe she feels the same.

When I was single I really wanted to see my sister more but she was very busy being married and I felt very left out and second best sometimes (still do a bit but that's a whole other thread!!) Do you see her without your husband being there? If you don't then that's pretty hard for her, I like seeing my sister without kids and DPs as sometimes it's the only time we really get to talk. Do you ever invite her to stay with you?

Despite the seemingly busy social life she might be very lonely.

Look up the broken record technique - it will help you say no to her!

Thanks for the replies everybody. It is so interesting hearing everyone's thoughts. I am definitely going to start ignoring the phonecalls and be more firm when making plans.

cozietosie, I don't think she copes very well on her own. I can fill my own time quite effectively but she struggles to self-occupy and always has to be doing something.

donkeysdon'tridebicycles- when she was in a relationship we rarely got together. Even my mother has commented that as soon as a new relationship comes along we (my parents and I) will be 'dropped'.

It is all a bit awkward really, part of me thinks she needs to grow up, part of me feels bad because I am in a good position right now and maybe she finds this difficult as I am a fair bit younger, I don't know. On the other hand her career has been far more successful than mine so we both win and lose in different ways.

With regards to the DH/Dsis power struggle, I think she finds the concept of marriage a bit weird and she automatically assumes if I don't want to attend something it's because DH has stopped me from doing so. He has never stopped me from doing anything, ever!

Wipsglitter- most of the time I see Dsis DH isn't involved. I'll either visit where she lives alone, or if she comes here we might get a takeaway or something together but any activities are just the two of us, e.g. shopping, cinema, etc.

I had this problem. Sister would make statements (not asking but telling me) that I would attend (or that she would attend before I could invite her-or not) it would be up to me to say "no, I am not", then the race would be on to get that "no" into a "yes".

The advice above is spot on: the less said the better. I finally told sister, "I have politely declined; you are the one pushing it". Then I got a pity email saying how she doesn't really know me (to which I did not respond).

"I am not going to run up my Visa bill for entertainment" is something else I remember saying. Just a flat out rule...repeat, broken record as said above.
Also the dh dynamic...I told her I had been brushing him off (he was sooo patient!) and I could not do that any more.
Also the parent dynamic. My circumstance was more akin to sister being Queen holding Court, different to yours (I hope!). You are not being unreasonable.

Imho, your mom is right in that your circumstance sounds like your sister is showing you the Teddy Bear love: once she gets a new partner, you'll be kicked under the bed and forgotten. Encourage her to date again ...gift certificate to eharmony etc . If she is going out that much, I am surprised she has not already met someone new unless she exudes controlling behavior like my sister.

I think the advice being given here is great. I also have a sister who tried to do the same to me after a long term partner break up. The only thing that really saved me being totally hijacked is that I live in a different country to her. Mind you she still gets cranky if I don't fall into line re her wants ie FaceTime chats at awkward times etc she also tries to monopolise me when I am visiting home. Drives DH and I crazy though for some reason DH is more tolerant than I !! It took an almighty bust up when I was home a couple of years ago for her to pull her head in. My parents once tried to get involved on her behalf as well. I must say that pushed me totally over the edge!! There a rather long discussion about the issue! As a result of my refusal to let her take over my life our relationship is a little strained however, I just couldn't afford nor did I want to be her best friend!!

Remember - you can't change her. All you can do, all you need to do, is change how you react. Which is kind of a relief I think...