How do you grieve?

[AlpacaYourThings]

I wasn't sure which topic to post this in... Apologies if this is the wrong place.

Recently, I had a miscarriage. Everyone keeps telling me to make sure I 'take time to deal with it.'

I genuinely don't understand what that means. I don't know what 'dealing with it' means... Am I meant to sit and think about it? I honestly don't know.

My normal way of dealing with grief (Grandparents passing away for example) is to try and move on and to find something to distract myself. So I don't think about it. After a while I find it doesn't hurt as much as it did at the beginning.

I just put the experience into a box in my mind and move on.

Am I setting myself up for a breakdown in the future? If so, how am I meant to deal with the grief?

What does 'dealing with grief' entail?

I feel like I'm missing something...

Everyone deals with grief differently, so no one can really tell you what to do.

For me dealing with grief is allowing myself to cry, feel sad, and talk about it. Not dealing with it is sticking on a happy face and pretending it hasn't happened.

If you want to talk about it with people who will understand, and who will be able to point you in the direction of RL help there is a board on here for people who have gone through a mc.

I'm so sorry for your loss

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage\This} is the other board, Alpaca. If you want to post there, you can either do it directly or ask MNHQ to move this thread.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

I have posted on the MC boards before, but thank you for reminding me.

I suppose I was looking for some understanding on how others deal with grief in general, rather than just MC.

I didn't want to post on the bereavement board as my loss seems insignificant in comparison to the losses of a child for example and I didn't want to offend any one.

Don't worry, my lovely. You won't offend anyone. (And neither was your loss an insignificant one.)

Maybe have a read of some of the threads across there to see ?

I am so sorry that you have had this loss.

'Dealing with grief' means exactly that. Grief is one of the most debilitating emotions I have ever had in my life.

You never need to deal with grief alone.

I found that talking helped .... but not with my closest friends

My friends wanted to 'chivvy me' to get on with life. I still hadn't dealt with the loss of babies and then my DH died. (My friends were not unsympathetic by the way - they just didn't have a clue)

Please stay on this thread until you have some other back-up in real life.

I didn't want to post on the bereavement board as my loss seems insignificant in comparison to the losses of a child for example and I didn't want to offend any one

Your loss is NEVER insignificant. If it is affecting you then it is certainly significant.

Can you write down how you are feeling at the moment?

Sorry for your loss. I had an earlyish miscarriage followed by a 'chemical pregnancy'. I found that in the months between those and becoming pregnant again I was up and down, sometimes very tearful. Also very tired- they take so much out of you physically. I think I grieved most when I became pregnant again, when I was least expecting to. The first weeks and months I was excessively anxious and tearful at times. Seeing another early scan set me off in floods and floods of tears.
But everyone is different. Grieve or don't grieve however you wish to. The key thing is to look after yourself mentally and physically, and go with it.

Ps agree, your loss is never insignificant.
I found the miscarriage association helpful.

Grief in general- everyone is different. Just honour how you feel and ignore the misguidedly helpful things people say.

I don't know. I don't seem to grieve at all.

My grandma died 3 or 4 years ago (see, I can't remember when off hand). She and I were very close. But I don't really feel like I miss her. I think about her a fair bit, but I don't get upset. For the first month I often went to phone her to tell her something because I'd forgotten, but then I remembered and had a fleeting moment of sadness, but then it was gone. I felt cross with her for the first couple of weeks, but not that she'd died, rather that the night she died was one of the few nights she'd felt unwell and hadn't rung me! I couldn't have done anything, but she wouldn't have been alone, at least. But that was her choice and she made it for a reason, so I'm ok with it really.

My dad died about 18 months ago. The first month was hard, but only because his wife fucked off on a 3 week holiday the day after he died and left me to do all the legal stuff with none of the info I needed and I felt I had to justify her decision to continue with the holiday... and my brother was angry with everyone (including me for just dealing with it) so he was as useless as a chocolate teapot and more of a hindrance than anything. He wasn't even neutral in it all. Oh and because 2 weeks afterward my dad died, I discovered my exH was having an affair...

6 months before my dad died, I went NC with my mother. I know some people 'grieve' after doing that. But I didn't. I was still angry with her for the things she'd done, but I didn't 'grieve'.

I haven't visited either of their graves. I don't feel the need to, they're not there. I needed to ask my dad a DIY question the other week, but he wasn't there, so after a moment of frustration, I went and asked one of the neighbours.

My marriage broke down, but I didn't grieve. I was fucking outraged for a few weeks, but within a couple of months I was over it and have been happier than ever for about the last 8 months.

I don't know whether I'm just hiding it all away and, at some point, it's going to come and bite me on the arse, but I've had counselling since (for other, early childhood, stuff) and it didn't bring anything up.

So I think everyone deals with it differently. I don't think there's any set way to react, you deal with it in the way that feels appropriate for you. Not in the way other people tell you you should feel/deal with it.

Sorry for your loss

I really think everyone grieves differently. I lost my brother two years ago, and felt comfortably numb for a long while afterwards... I didn't understand the overt 'grief' others were showing.

My grief hit me like a tonne of bricks about four months after his death... I cried a lot and felt very sad and mentally tired and physically exhausted all the time... Talking about the situation and events did help...

I tend to be a 'put it in a box and shelve it' kind of person... So maybe grief for you is similar, it will either come or it won't... And I guess it's about honouring it and accepting it gracefully and graciously if and when it does...

Good luck!

Thank you for your kind messages & for sharing your experiences of dealing with grief. I'm so sorry for all of your losses.

Sadwidow I don't really know how I feel. A bit empty if I'm honest. I was really upset at first and now I'm just distracting myself and focusing on work and getting back to normal.

It's just everyone keeps saying that I shouldn't distract myself but I should deal with it. But I'm at a loss as to what they mean. I'm starting to think its one of those things people say but they actually don't even know what they mean.

I know my loss isn't insignificant. I suppose, some people see an early pregnancy as a bunch of cells and whilst I know that's all it is, but to me the bunch of cells were very much a baby. DH and I had made plans, we had thought of names. I wouldn't want anyone to think I was comparing a bunch of cells to their DC/DH etc, that's more what I meant.

'I'm starting to think its one of those things people say but they actually don't even know what they mean'

I think you're probably right. I'm struggling with grief myself - in my case, no one has died but I'm having to let go of the relationship that I thought I had with my parents and sister (emotional abuse, long story). It's horribly painful and I'm extremely angry. I struggle with how to 'do' grief. I try to allow myself to cry when I need to and I find it helps to think about what exactly is making me cry and to name the feelings it brings up (this varies a lot). And to allow myself to have crappy days where I just keep my head down and am not at my most productive. And I find it helps to stay well - sleep lots, drink lots of water, keep caffeine booze and sugar to a minimum, lots of veg, exercise.

Im very sorry for your loss. You're right - to some people a miscarriage is something they can move on from very quickly, but you are grieving the future you had planned with your baby. It will take time - allow yourself to feel it, even if it's painful. These feelings are better out than in!

I don't grieve either. Grandparents have died, my mum died 6ish years ago and apart from being a bit sad and maybe one short bout of tears, nothing. All of them were ill though so not unexpected I think if I had an unexpected death I would have a bigger reaction, shock etc. Also I think it depends on how emotionally close you were to the person, I wasn't close to my mum but if DH died or God forbid my DC it would be different.

I have never had a miscarriage but I doubt I would experience any grief personally unless it happened late on.

I don't really grieve as such.
I get upset at the time, then a bit angry, bargain "why me/us?" For a day or so but then just crack on with life. Always been this way.

When I was 16 my uncle died, he was 26. I experienced such mental and emotional pain that I was unable to continue with everyday life. It was a very profound experience.

I'm 44 now, have had lots of deaths around me & suffered 7 miscarriages, I have not felt as grief stricken with any of these situations. I've had a miscarriage on a Friday & gone back to work on the following Monday.
I just cannot wallow or continue with heartbreak, it's just not in me.

I'm not hard hearted or hard faced, I'm just pragmatic and practical and like normality I spose.

Nothing wrong with it, I've never felt like some kind of breakdown is imminent. We are all different.