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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help! New to dating and need some advice on what to do here.....

21 replies

Effic · 05/05/2014 21:17

Bit long - sorry but I've been out of the dating game for 100 years and I don't speak 'bloke' so I don't understand.....and need advice.
Background - as brief as I can....
I separated from husband about 9 months ago. My choice.
Pretty much straight after this became 'public' knowledge, a dad at my child's Saturday club contacted me via email. We had always got on well and had a laugh. He became pretty full on pretty quickly - basically telling me that he'd fancied me for a long time but obviously never made a move because I was married. Although it was very soon after my split, I agree to go out on a few dates. He was v v v keen and v v v flattering and we got on like a house on fire. Pretty soon, I also fancied the pants (literally) off him so threw caution to the wind and went for it. I had a great couple of months - we saw each other about once a week but he text continually and kept saying how much he liked me/couldn't believe his luck that I was with him etc. He also said more than once that he expected me to hurt him at some point. However, he also has a mad, mad social life and although I didn't expect him to give it up for me, I started to get a bit pissed off that I was expected to fit in around his other plans. I then went through a total crisis of confidence linked to stb-ex being a shit, dealing with the fall out from my split, huge work stress etc etc. I got a bit difficult (bit clingy and seeking reassurance - not like me at all) and he stopped texting so often and was much much less attentive (not sure what came first - me being a bit of a idiot or him suddenly cooling off.) This of course made me feel worse and I was convinced he was going off me fast. I then went ballistic over a very innocuous text he sent ( regarding how often I expected to see him) and ended the relationship by text (not classy I know! But I was all over the place). He agreed and that was that. I then massively regretted it but there was not a lot I could do. And I still had to see him at club. The first couple of times was awful with fairly stilted conversation in a group with other parents. A couple of times, I tried to make contact via text in friendly way ( probably hoping for an opening??) but only got one liners back incl. "I was and still am interested in you" however after couple of texts he stopped replying so I stopped texting. A couple of months went by and then we end up at a club with no other parents around. We had a great conversation - just like old times - laughs and jokes. He constantly referenced old jokes, places we were together and sort of asks if he could come round to my place one evening (it's about time you cooked for me - he had cooked me some fab meals when we were together). At the end, he gives me a quick hug and says "you know where I am" so I text him later in the week and invite him over. He says yes please - I send him some dates but he can't make any of them. I leave it with him to get back to me with some dates he can do .......... he says he'll be in touch and then nothing ....3 weeks later and not heard a word. Not seen him since either as club has stopped. I sent him a joke-y text a week ago but no answer. So.....Do I persist? Text again? Ask again? Or do I accept that if he wanted to come round he would have text me by now so leave it alone. I don't want to make a fool of myself here but if he wasn't interested anymore why behave and say what he did the last time we met? As I said, I haven't dated since the dawn of time and I don't speak bloke. God I hate this! Feel like I'm 16 again. :(

OP posts:
Delphinegreen · 05/05/2014 21:26

Nooooooooooo put the phone down!

He is playing games. If he wanted to meet up he would find the time.

It's so hard when someone keeps pulling you in then pushing you away.

Cook for your friends instead x

rainbowfeet · 05/05/2014 21:29

No.. Walk away with dignity intact!!

He sounds like a messer.. He is not interested in any kind of commitment here & I think he will hurt you more.

I am an experienced singleton.. Been involved with some right players.. Recently an experience like yours.. Where he blew hot, hot, hot then cold, then warm & cold again!! Mutual friends have said 'oh it wasn't the right time' or 'I think you'll end up together, you're so good for him' but I go by the saying (well film title).. He's not that into you!! Simple as that I liked him much more than he liked me & he changed his mind!!
Decided I needed to protect my heart so stopped all contact. Have seem him around I say hi & walk on.

Do the same... There's plenty more fish in the sea!!

Effic · 05/05/2014 22:05

Thanks rainbow.... My head knows you are right and it is exactly the advice I would be giving .......if it wasn't me!

My heart keeps interfering though saying " but he must like you because......"
Plenty more fish ...... Err ...not at my age it seems! Can't imagine how I will ever meet anyone to be honest. All friends married (apart from aforementioned bloke) and don't know any single guys. Work a no go as I'm everyone's boss. From reading other posts on here, am starting to accept that I'll most likely be on my own .... and that depressing :(

OP posts:
Adayinthelifeof · 05/05/2014 22:15

It sounds as though something happened when you went through your 'idiot' phase that has made him think twice about getting seriously involved with you. Dumping him over text, going ballistic over a text message.... It's going to make him think twice.

Don't feel bad about it though. You were going through hard times and also probably rushed into a relationship a bit quick after a split. Move on and find someone else. Plenty more fish and all that. Don't chase as he's obviously not that interested.

Adayinthelifeof · 05/05/2014 22:16

How old are you?

Effic · 05/05/2014 22:22

42 with 1 fabulous DS (11)
Not being at all boastful but I got lucky in the looks department but actually it works against me. Apart from aforementioned guy, no bloke has come within 50 ft of me and I have no idea where I would ever meet anyone. And as has been pointed out on many postings here, all the nice normal late 30's and 40 year old guys are happily married to their wives! The one or two that aren't are hanging out with girls in their twenties and early thirties!

OP posts:
Adayinthelifeof · 05/05/2014 22:29

42 isn't too old! I've recently split with my wife and I could think how am I going to meet anyone. I run my own business so I'm busy with that. I only have two or three good friends and I only see these every now and then and they're all married. However, when I want to meet someone I'll make it happen. Online dating, get friends to match me up, take up some hobbies..... There are ways and means of meeting folk.

I also think that at your age you'll have a better chance of meeting someone who it will work with because by now you should know what you want in life and anyone you meet around 40-50 years old is also likely to be separated/divorced so they should have a better idea of where they previously went wrong and what they want in a partner now.

Effic · 05/05/2014 22:40

Adayinthelifeof - thanks x Not sure how to 'make it happen' but I wish you luck when you decide to jump back in:)
I don't collect acquaintances like some folk do, I have a small group (10) of very close amazing friends who would love to set me up with someone but don't know anyone! They are all married and we've known each other for years!
Online dating is a huge NO for me.......i don't have the resilience to be able to go through the 100's of nasties to meet the nice. I say what I think, don't play games and don't do fake flirting or weird suggestive texting with people I don't know and that doesn't fit the online world it seems!!
And I work .... and have a good career that I love and that, apparently, makes me intimidating! :( But I'm not going to pretend to be a bimbo just to get a date. (Bimbo - is that still used? Or am I showing my age!)

OP posts:
Adayinthelifeof · 05/05/2014 22:44

The are some good online dating sites where you can be quite picky. The next lady I look for will be career driven and independent so there are folk out there wanting what you offer. Something will happen. People split up all of the time so you may find someone becomes available out of your circle of friends.

Effic · 05/05/2014 22:47

Oh lord! I hope not.....I know all their secrets!
Thanks for positive vibes..... Onwards and upwards I guess.

OP posts:
Thetallesttower · 05/05/2014 22:55

He's just not that into you- get the book if you don't believe me.

This is not necessarily bad news though. One of the reasons you know if a relationship is going to work is what happens when you hit a wobbly. You are not the first person to have a bit of a fit and then try to get back together. If you were meant to be together, you would have got over this little hump in the road, you didn't and you aren't- he's not interested in finding dates - I suspect this isn't because he doesn't fancy you and when he saw you, he remembered how much he was into you, but on reflection, he knows this is the time to get serious and obviously doesn't want that.

The good news is that you are not too old or too past it or too unable to date in any way- if you want to, that is. I have several friends and relatives over 50 who have found love later in life, even into their 70's and 80's.

You are only 9 months, not even a year of being single and already panicking you can't find a bloke. I would set up your life just the way you like it, do the hobbies you like, spend time with your old friends, go to stuff you are invited to and so on. Keep the avenues open- you could join a singles or unattached group if you don't want to date online, or even join a professionals dating agency.

Good luck OP, you sound like a catch, not for this guy at this time (this is better for you, he's hot and cold which is horrid), all the better to leave you free to meet someone more suitable.

Effic · 05/05/2014 23:02

Thanks tallesttower.
I will repeat daily "he's just not that into me" until I get a grip!
I do have a great life though and am building my life (and son's) new life well I think. I'm not panicking about my bloke-less state but I miss the intimacy of being with someone though ........ But I am getting used to that too.

OP posts:
rainbowfeet · 06/05/2014 08:03

Adayinthelifeof... I know the feeling of thinking you'll end up alone... But I've accepted it & now not all that bothered!!

I live in a little village there is only 1 single man under the age of 70 & I've had him!!!Wink (He is actually the knobhead in my post..the hot & cold player guy)!!!

I have 2 young children so for the next few years got my hands full anyway!!

I get lonely & have a few jobs that need doing around the house but they are not good reasons to get in a bad relationship!!!

Plus while you are in a bad relationship you are not free & available for a good guy to come along!! Grin

rainbowfeet · 06/05/2014 08:04

Sorry meant effic for post BlushBlush

Jan45 · 06/05/2014 16:59

Agree with above, he's a player and not serious at all.

His BS at the beginning was a red flag, far too over the score, i.e., false.

Effic · 06/05/2014 22:30

Rainbow - I am sure I will get used to it but I don't have to like it it! I'm nice and normal and don't play games - what you see is what you get but that doesn't seem to cut it in the dating world:( I think my pride has been hurt too and that is probably more to the point than the guy himself or though in fairness to him, I was a bit of an idiot for a bit so he has the right to run away!

OP posts:
Effic · 06/05/2014 22:30

Although not or though!

OP posts:
Tramalator · 07/05/2014 07:20

I'm older than you and can tell you there's lots of single men out there some of them are even decents sorts The better you feel about yourself, the more decent ones you'll find, and being blessed in the looks department is always helpful.

Read the 'He's just not into you' book.

Regard this as a learning exerience - you had fun, now its over. Move on, keep your dignity and don't contact him as he doesn't want you. Keep busy with your fab son and find some new interests. Delete his phone number, email etc.

We all make a bit of a fool of ourselves sometimes. I cringe at some of the stuff I've done in the past, but so what? This too will pass.

Effic · 07/05/2014 22:16

Thanks Tramalator. I guess I did know this really. I haven't contacted him and won't. Hurts though but I know it will pass.
I do hope there is someone out there for me. Feels highly unlikely - not that there aren't nice guys - but that would ever meet them? Too small a social circle and female dominated work place where I am boss - I think that closes off the two main avenues to meeting any one else. :(

OP posts:
MelonadeAgain · 08/05/2014 10:28

He sounds like a game player. The pouncing the moment you're single is very telling. He keeps an eye on the "market" at all times. Your novelty has worn off now. If he genuinely had feelings for you, he wouldn't behave like this.

aegeansky · 08/05/2014 21:09

hey OP. I'm a guy. I think it's over. He didn't like your rejection, or he has someone else now, and he won't come back.

I know it's natural to feel: Oh, how will I meet people, but you sound great and I'm sure you will.

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