Single for one year, missing a certain something.

[Delphinegreen]

I ended my long term relationship a year ago after 13 years. He wasn't abusive, just a miserable person, it made me miserable. We have a 2 yr old ds, I didn't want to make him miserable too. Exp rarely sees ds although lives in the same town. Once a week for a little while then a gap of a month or so. I still feel guilty for ending the relationship (irrationally).

After relationship ended for 6 months, I contacted an acquaintance who I've always had a bit of a thing for and told him so. He just wasn't that into me, we met for a drink then got dumped by silence/games. I told him off for acting a bit of a twat.

I am 36 and I would say ok looking, a nice person, sociable, confident. However, I have only slept with one person so this area & relationships I'm not very confident in. I know I need to toughen up but I just keep obsessing about the supposed friend guy, I feel cross/sad about it 4 months on. I don't know why I am obsessed by it, we are a crap match but I still feel infatuated.

I am attempting to get a life - gym, friends, out & about. As I know that this will help.

I guess I miss intimacy and feel a bit flat about relationships. I haven't got much experience and am a straight talker, I don't play 'the game'. I am a bit fearful of OD because of the anonymity but have had a look. I don't think I could do the FWB thing as I'm too sensitive and would get feelings for someone. But at the moment I just don't meet anyone to even have this be an issue. Even thought about whether I was right to end relationship but that's just silly.

I know it's probably really irrational and on one level I tell myself off but I feel like I'm never going to get laid again!
Rationally, I know it's silly to base the future on two guys and a brief look on Pof.

Anyone else identify???

Yes, I identify. I'm a guy, been single 4 years as of this very day in fact. I have friends, great social life, interesting job, but I never meet anyone who is single and online dating didn't work for me at all.

I was in a sexless relationship for 4 years before we finally split (I should have left much sooner as she wasn't prepared to discuss it or go to counselling). So it's been a VERY long time for me.

I really miss sex. But I also really miss holding hands, or just snuggling up on a sofa or just kissing. Can't offer any advice, but you're not alone and am sure others will be along to say the same.

If it's any consolation I was celibate for 6 years. I had a lot of baggage to sort out, abusive ex, single mum to two very small DDs, three jobs etc.

Have recently met a lovely bloke OD - second one I met. And I've probably had more sex in the last couple of months than the 6 years I spent with my previous partner. I'm playing catch up (and loving it!!).

It will happen, but if you don't go down the od route or something similar it can be difficult to meet someone new.

I've been single for seven years. Wasn't intended, it just happened. After I split with the fat bastard my ex, I had a couple of flings you might say, then I stupidly fell into a relationship with a longstanding male friend, relationship didn't work out and I also lost the friendship in the process, which was a bloody shame as we were good mates before that.

My life at the time was hectic and I had a hell of a lot on my plate, I was doing a full-time degree and working on top of that self-employed, bringing up two kids on my own, elderly parents hundreds of miles away so back and forth every school holiday up to them, worrying about them all the time, my kids hitting puberty, me getting into the crazy peri-menopause years, which I'm still going through (for those who haven't got there yet, it's like puberty in reverse) and I couldn't even think about a relationship.

Now here I am seven years on and not so much as a sniff of a bloke since then. I really don't fancy the whole online dating thing and I never go anywhere to meet anyone. I'm older now, I used to get looks etc. from blokes but now it's like I'm invisible really. Just another average, nothing special, middle aged female. I look at the sort of blokes who would be likely to fancy me and I just think 'nah', I just wouldn't fancy them to be honest. I think my dating days are well and truly over and I've resigned myself to the fact that I will most likely be single for the rest of my days.

Most of the time I'm not bothered. I read some of the stuff on here, the cheating and break ups and heartache and all the rest of it, and I think I'm well out of it to be honest. I've had my fair share of all that and while relationships can bring a lot of joy, they can also bring a lot of pain. My life now is on a much more even keel and most of the time I'm happy enough - content. I'm alone, but not lonely if that makes any sense.

I identify with the rebound friend. I had all sorts of fantasies about this 'platonic friend' while I was still married. Left my miserable bastard and went out for a drink after a few months with this friend, snogged his face off, he seemed a willing participant, but then the games and silence, random texts from him with no follow-up. I told him to stop messing me about and if he wanted to see me he knew where I lived.

6 months later I had met lovely DP on PoF and the twat 'friend' texted me again to say hi. Blocked and deleted. Missed your chance matey!

Give OD a go. You do need a thick skin but if you're choosy and don't get suckered in you can easily sift the crap ones out. The seemingly normal ones may not all be keepers, but some of them are. If you're not sure about PoF, try one of the paid sites for a better class of weirdo

And like Wally, sex has never been better! I was worried that nobody would want my 3 baby belly, but my DP loves me to bits.

Phew, this gives me hope, I will try harder with OD. A single mum friend of mine has just met someone too this way so it can be done.

I totally get where you are coming from Fontella, I feel like that a lot of the time and ok about it too.

OP try Tinder. I know it gets a lot if bad press but I've found it is a very gentle and slow way of getting back into dating. You can only text people who 'like' you so never feel rejected by people not responding. You don't know who does not like you so it is pretty light hearted. I'm fussy in who I like and if we have a match I let them contact me first.

You may not meet mr right but it can get you back out into meeting men socially. Have a coffee on the first date. Have no expectations and do meet up quite quickly so that you don't waste emotional energy on texts.

Good luck.

I would second giving OD a chance. I'm old enough (48) to think that my sex life was well and truly in the past, and I've met a lovely fellow who has been very good for me. And like the other poster, I've had more sex in last 6 months than last 6 years!

You have to go into it with an open mind - it's fun, and there are some right funny ones around, but if you go expecting true love to just be there on the first date you may be disappointed!! It's certainly been very entertaining I have found. But you need to feel quite stable -not too sensitive!!

There's no way I'm doing the online dating thing. I'd rather stay single. I'm not putting my pic and details online and I cannot be arsed to even deal with the responses I'm likely to get. Not interested in sorting out the crap ones from the good ones and all that. I don't have the time nor the inclination.

If I meet a bloke in RL that's one thing. Unlikely I know. But there's no way I'm interested in meeting one online - ain't gonna happen. Good luck to those who go down that route but it's not for me.

Fontella - having tried OD for over two years, I can honestly say I found it depressing rather than entertaining and I would never ever do it again. Completely destroyed my self esteem. So I don't blame you.

I would have to be desperate to do it ... and I'm not.

There's a lot to be said for being single. I've grown to enjoy my own company and as much as I love my (older) kids, sometimes I find myself wishing they would go out so I can have the place to myself. I like sleeping alone, I like watching what I want on the telly, or spending time online looking up things that interest me, I'm a history buff, so spend a lot of time on that. I cook my own food (vegetarian), I do my own thing, I live my own life, pay my own bills, and I don't need a bloke to make me happy.

I've had a lot of men in my time - probably more than my fair share. At one time I had three on the go hahaha - back in the day. But I've never married, and every relationship I've had has ended up bringing me more grief than joy. There's not a single one of them I look back on fondly or wish it had lasted, or we'd married or any of that, and the fat bastard ex laid me so low in every respect, that I look back on that relationship and shudder. I'm sure it's tainted me, but then I did have a couple of flings after that (one with a 29 year old pro golfer who thought I was in my '30s' bless him!), and another bloke I met in a club when my niece dragged me out one night. He was my age and I did fancy him initially, but he turned out to be a right tosser and crap in bed, so I just stopped replying to his texts and he eventually got the hint. Then there was the misjudged relationship with the longstanding male friend which turned into a right disaster and that I do regret because I lost a good mate. That was the last one.

The romance bit and the fancying and the butterflies in the stomach and all that is nice, but it doesn't last. Also I don't fancy older blokes and that's all I'm gonna get, because I am what I am. An older woman - no beauty, just average. I look at men my age and I just think yuk to be honest. I don't want an old codger even though I'm an old biddy and I don't want a toyboy either. I'd look like his mother and who the hell wants that?

I also don't think I could have a bloke around the place - sleeping in my bed, shitting in my toilet etc. It just doesn't appeal.

I have moments, of course, when I wish I had a fella. I have to do everything myself, there's never anyone to help, it's all down to me and that can get tiresome. All the DIY, decorating, gardening, everything - I do the lot. Now my kids are older they help a bit, but both are full-time students and have part-time jobs, so I can't ask them to do too much. My car's conked out and I've got to sort all that all out tomorrow. Sometimes it would be lovely to have a bloke around just to share the load, take me out somewhere, go away for a break, instead of doing everything on my own. But then I think of all that comes with it and I think I'm ok as I am. There are worse things than being single. Interestingly both my neighbours either side are single with kids as well. Both have been married, one of them three times, but we are now three single mothers all living in a row. They both say the same as me. One of them just can't be bothered, and the other has the odd night of passion, if the opportunity presents itself, but it's always no strings and she's not interested in a permanent relationship.

There's a lot of us singletons about.

Completely agree with Fontella. Just don't need that kind of shite in my life.

Can relate to you 100% here. Had been single for 4 years with the odd fling and few dates in between i really missed the cuddles, hand holding and just general company. To be blunt (I know ill sound like a slapper) can get sex anywhere it was the closeness for me and the desire to feel loved and cared for I missed.

Online dating is a good start there are good ones and bad ones as you get in all walks of life so you do have to tread careful, but it may also be a confidence boost for you I know it was for me. Having put alot of weight on after having my 3rd and 4th (twins) I was petrified but actually found it ok.

Im now happy in a new relationship who I met via my next door neighbour all is good for now fingers crossed :) x