Lonely lonely lonely

[sadinsheffield]

I am really lonely and feel like I'm never going to have a group of friends like I did in secondary school (who I have now lost touch with).

I'm 25. I've been at university for, ohh, almost 5 years now. My degree is demanding, particularly in the 3-4 months coming up to exams, and it means I sometimes get sent to a different part of the county for 6 weeks at a time. So I find it hard to maintain friendships.

I have made one good friend here in that time, who has recently moved to London.

I feel like I don't fit in to any particular social group. The majority of people in my year group at university are 20-21, and are all nice but have their own friendship groups and aren't really at my stage in life. They all live together, go clubbing together, and I'm not really into that anymore.

I have a partner who is 14 years older than me, and he has 3 children who I will one day (I hope!) be a fulltime stepmother to. But even they live a 4 hour train ride away. Seeing them takes up most of my weekends, meaning I don't really have time to dedicate to finding friends here. I don't feel I fit in with other mums because I don't have children of my own and my (future) stepchildren don't even live here.

I started a group on meetup.com, and got a lot of interest, and met a good number of people. But because of my work schedule and my weekends largely being taken up, they met up without me most of the time and are now close friends and I don't see them anymore. I thought that by starting a group I would be at the hub of things, but it didn't work out that way.

Where have I gone wrong here? There are so many dating websites but not many friend-finder websites that I can see.

Sorry - I know the advice will be to join clubs etc but I struggle to find the time to hoover the carpet some weeks let alone commit to a club.

Anyone else lonely and want to chat???

You poor thing, I can identify, I used to go on hospital placements as part of degree, it was the loneliest I've felt in my life.
Hard to think of a solution for you that doesn't involve groups, evening classes etc.
it sounds that you have a future plan to have a more settled life and this is only a temporary solution? It's hard to make an effort with people when it's only going to be 6 weeks.
We used to have weekly curry night/ go to pub quiz. I remember also. I would just go out to things regardless of having someone to go with as I would usually get talking to someone. Not very helpful but I know how lonely it can be xxx

I think you know where you've gone wrong - it's logistics really, isn't it.

I sympathise. Like you, I did postgraduate work after uni and it was lonely. But the middle twenties can be very lonely anyway after all the camaraderie of being a proper student.

My hunch is that you might be building a bit too much on the idea of being a fulltime step-parent one day. I'm not saying you won't be - but it's clearly not set in stone. Even if you had a date set for a wedding, I would be suggesting that you ease into that life gently. What is the current arrangement for these children during the week? Presumably they're doing something that's working? And even if they do need you, you cannot be there right now. So the future is the future. Right now, you're unhappy. You can either accept the unhappiness during the week - plenty of postgraduates grit their teeth and get on with it for a few years - or you can hedge your bets and invest in the present, so that it works for you as well as for everyone else. That might look like staying put a couple of weekends a month so you have a chance to get to know other postgrads (or international students - try the international society).

Again, I'm sorry it's so lonely. I really can remember how awful it is :(

Have a hug from me

I went through something similar when studying for a postgrad degree feels like yesterday but have to say it is completely understandable. You have commitments that perhaps some of the younger students don't have, which means less time to go out and meet up with new people. I personally found it easier once I accepted that things would be lonely for a while. It will all change in due course when you finish studying anyway.

Sorry, not massively helpful, but as wouldbe said there are lonely phases many of us go through. It does end though.

Delphineingreen - indeed 6 weeks isn't long to get to know people and it all fizzles out when we go our separate ways. What I'm lacking is friends who you can call for a catch up after weeks of not seeing each other and it be like no time has passed. But it takes a long time to get to that point.

Wouldbemedic - completely wrong phrasing on my part, didn't mean I'd be a SAHM to the children, just that we are aiming towards all living together in the future so I feel I need to dedicate as much time as possible to those relationships. But I think I'll have to stop running off every weekend. I really don't want to be this lonely for much longer.

Thank you both for replying.

Dontvexmeyeah - it might be better if I accept that it is a phase. At the moment it's affecting how much I enjoy my studies because I'm just wishing the time away. Perhaps if I go OTT with work I won't notice the lack of anything else

I think the wishing the time away thing is perceptive and perhaps it goes deeper than you realise. Maybe you have thought yourself into a bit of a corner here. Yes, postgrad is a different experience to undergrad but it's not that different. Even if you don't want to go clubbing all the time, you're not beyond hanging out, watching tv, eating haribo and being silly surely? I met my best friend when I was a postgrad at your age and she was an undergrad.

Is it perhaps the case that the whole stepmotherdom and marriage thing is a lure because it's all symptomatic of maturity, of having "made it"? Have you built these things into your identity in a way that has pushed out other things you could be identifying with? The fact is, most people in the phase you're so actively dedicating your time to find that their social lives are taking a back seat. For them that might be ok because (a) it's their family - now, not potentially b) most people have a good crack at the social whirl before they settle down, and there are definitely more phases to this than clubbing.

So don't short change yourself. I don't intend any reflection on your relationship itself here, it might be absolutely perfect. But you will be in that life phase where it's all about responsibility and giving up your own needs to other people for a long time. It's not something I think most people in it now would advise you to rush towards.

Life is the thing that happens while you sit around planning your life!

MadBusLady makes very good points.

Also: coming from the other side:

I'm single, woman, in your age range, also a student, and open to making new friends. I don't like big nights out, I'm not looking to go out and get pissed all the time, and like doing "nice" things, and I'd say I'm a good 1-1 friend overall in terms of being reliable/keeping in touch etc.

When I've dated/tried to maintain a friendship with someone who were TOO close to their family (as in parents, or a partner) I've often been disappointed.

It's not necessarily a timing thing - I don't need to see someone 24/7 to consider them close - more a emotions/energy?

I think sometimes, even if they're out with a group, you can tell someone who doesn't actually care about the people in the group, they just want to tick off the "has social life" box.

So they'd talk about what their parents were up to, or what their boyfriend/girlfriend is doing. Or check their phone for messages from their Mum or their boyfriend/girlfriend.

You get contact when they aren't hanging out with their Main People, but not otherwise. It's like "as a single woman who doesn't get on with her parents, YOU should fit round me". Which isn't really fair? It's like when you suggest something, they are going to only accept it IF they have "nothing better to do".

Of course I'm respectful to my friends's parents and partners, but I don't really feel I myself GET anything from a friendship with someone who just seems to treat me like a convenience to "fill a gap" when they aren't doing other things?

The vibe you get:

I'd like you to be my friends so I can say I've got a group of friends to do stuff with and a list of people to invite to my wedding. But my Actual Real Life is somewhere else

Of course, there is nothing wrong with having a regular partner and a hard driving job/training schedule: I quite admire you for that.

But there is a good reason why a lot of junior doctors and lawyers only socialise with each other, or why a lot of men who are very busy at work get their wives to organise them a social life? They've set their priorities, and Broad Social Life isn't one of them.

Maybe you'd be better off finding good interests, or a society which runs "socials" (where you're not going to have to make solid commitments), (or even something like Church if you can bear it!) and then you can just show up to "do stuff" as and when necessary. Or things like the Ramblers group (not just for oldies, there's a 20/30 year old one in Sheffield which runs lots of nights out).

Something like THIS

So you can dip in and out as and when your schedule allows.

Thanks all.

About wishing the time away - I took a year out from my studies and lived with my partner and the kids, and actually made 2 (!) friends of my own as well as socialising as a couple and family. So I suppose I came back to university and found it lonely in comparison - people I knew had moved on and I didn't have a year at leisure to make friends! It's that which I miss, having a full life in that sense.

I do really want to find friends here, and not just to fill the time until I move, but friends who I will keep in touch with for years to come.That Ramblers group looks really good, thanks.