whats the best way to support my loved one.

[RavensGiles]

Hi all, please bear with me cause this is my first post.
My partner who for anonymity I shall call Raven, is separating from her abusive husband after 16 years of marriage.

The problem is he is a master manipulator and while he is still living with her , he is piling on the pressure in various ways ( such as keeping her a wake all night and playing on her worst fears)ect. Raven has two children, a ds 12 who adores his father and is having a hard time with the break up and a dd who is 15 who is not particularly fond of her farther but still needs some form of stability. Raven is biting her tongue and is doing what she feels is best for the children which I totally understand but it frustrates the hell out of me I can't be there for her when she needs me most. I also need to watch my responses to what she tells because as one of the calmest guys your ever going to meet, the whole situation and how he treats her boils me up and I have no way of helping or even expressing my anger at the one who is causing it at least.

But I digress, does anyone have any tips on how I can support Raven uthe best way possible without physically being there for her and without making things worse for her or the kids.

G

I suggest calling the domestic violence helpline. They have resources to help her find emergency accommodation. If her husband is abusive the separation might heighten emotions and she is probably at risk. She needs all the support that she can have...and the right people used to deal with this kind of situation can make a huge difference. Then she can come and rest on your shoulder. All the best to you 2!

I'm sorry but I don't think Raven is going anywhere. How on earth is she your 'partner' when she's married to someone else? If you're genuinely worried for her safety you should give her the Womens Aid number 0808 2000 247 and the police DV non-emergency number 101. Otherwise, maybe what the woman needs is a bit of time and space to be herself?

How on earth is she your 'partner' when she's married to someone else?

People can have relationships without going through the process of divorce can't they?

OP I'm really glad you're there and willing to support her, it must be difficult for you both especially her.

Is there anyway of getting Raven somewhere else to live?

Of course they can have relationships but something doesn't feel right. With an abusive marriage and a loving 'partner' (and that's a significant word) offering refuge, you'd think she'd be high-tailing it out of there with the DCs and not sticking around talking about stability for the children.

That's why I think she's going nowhere.

Cogito - I'm the person he's talking about and already have a thread in OTBT.

I'm trying to do this as amicably with my STBXH as possible (despite feeling like throttling him half the time) as DD is bipolar and DS has been referred to CAMHS and they have massive issues around sudden changes. STBXH has agreed to a timetable for him to leave the family home and in the meantime, I've moved into the spare room.

It isn't ideal, and far from the clean break I wanted, but it's the easiest way forward for the DCs. I fully intend to get STBXH out asap because I refuse to live my life around a controlling twatbadger who wouldn't know a healthy relationship if he was hit in the head with a book on them.

Giles - sorry for hijacking your thread, will go back to mine now.

You're both on MN, you both know the issues... surely the best person to answer this is Raven herself?

Good luck to you both, hope you can get it all ended soon Raven, and the kids cope with the transition period better than you think they might!

Thank you all for your comments, #Cabrinha- think you might be right about going to Raven herself as she will be the person to say what she needs when.

G

I'm with cog and also don't think she's going anywhere. It's not possible to have a partner whilst still living with your husband. I read the other thread and there's been no separation or even moving into the spare room. Keeping things amicable for the kids is a red herring in my view.

This sounds like a revenge , or exit affair , with you playing the typical role of heroic white knight. How do you get to be angry with this guy when you are intruding into his family and having an affair with his wife ?

Shouldn't he be angry at you ? Or doesn't he know ?