Ex's new partner wants to be friends

[OleaAndMarge]

I've maintained a good friendship with an ex partner of mine, and recently mutual friends have been commenting on how nice it would be if his new partner and me could sit down together and be friends.

I didn't even realise this was an issue, I've never been introduced to her even though she turns up to group events but suddenly I'm being expected to sit at the same table and hang out with her.

What should I do? Suck it up? Or tell everyone to back off? I'm of the assumption that if we're going to get on, that it'll happen normally.. you know.. how friends are normally made! I don't mean to be difficult or come across as the bitter ex, but I'm really not interested and it's putting me off going to mutual friend's parties/etc.

[MuttonCadet]

Do you have kids with your ex? Do you know if she wants to be friends or is it just mutual friends trying to make things easier for everyone?

[OleaAndMarge]

no children involved, yes, my ex has messaged and said that she would really like it. I think (big assumption) that she has been talking to mutual friends and saying how nice it would be if we could be friends. It hasn't really been a priority for me at all, and as far as I know, there is no atmosphere when we are both at the same event (well, I'm assuming there will be now!!)

[PeaceLillyDoge]

I see your point but I'd meet up anyway, could be nice?

[Weathergames]

I am really good mates with OH's ex wife. It's great she trusts next totally with her kids and she is really suppoet

[Weathergames]

Oops supportive when he is an arse. She understands what it's like living with him like no one else

[gertiegusset]

Why would you need to be friends and sit down together?
If you meet up by chance and get on well then all well and good but I wouldn't be going out of my way to pal up with someone just because she's going out with my ex.

[wyrdyBird]

Interesting.
I think you should do what you're comfortable with. You can be friendly or polite without having to buddy up and be friends, in my view.

But if you don't have children you don't have to make her acquaintance at all, if you choose not to. No disrespect to her, but if you're not keen, why should you.

[qazxc]

Do you think she might want to be friends to suss out yours and your ex's realtionship/to see if any of you still hold a candle for each other?

[teaandthorazine]

If the are no kids involved then I don't see why this is necessary, and it sounds as if people are suggesting it because it would make them feel more comfortable, rather than be good for you.

I am friends with my ex-h's partner (well, she's his ex-partner now) but that's because she was looking after my ds every week and therefore it was important that we developed a good relationship! But if you don't need to, why bother?

[OleaAndMarge]

Qazxc - I'm not entirely sure - I know that my ex's and I's relationship is entirely over, that part of our lives is done. But it's very easy for me to say that, I can understand how a new person in his life might think differently.

[InTheNorth123]

How long has your ex been dating this new person? I'd be inclined to agree with others and assume that it is because she feel insecure about your past relationship and wants to suss you out. Why else would she want to be friends with you, but not make the effort herself? I'd guess she feels awkward.
You should do what makes you comfortable.

[Springheeled]

Why bother? How long since you split?

[OleaAndMarge]

InTheNorth - they've been dating (as far as I know) for about 8 months, it's only been in the last 2 weeks that this sudden desire to meet up has started.

Big thank you to everyone on this thread, I was concerned that I was being incredibly unreasonable in not being particularly up for this, it really does make me uncomfortable especially as far as I know, the only thing we have in common is having dated the same guy :D

[Hissy]

why do you need any contact at all with him, his new gf etc?

[OleaAndMarge]

Hissy - we are in the same social group, often go to the same gigs/parties/dinners etc. This is why there is contact.

[qazxc]

I'd just introduce myself at the next event you are both at. As you say, if you are going to hit it off/be friends it should happen/grow naturally. I'd think trying to manufacture a friendship would be really awkward.

[MimiSunshine]

How big are theses dinners that you've never had the opportunity to be introduced or at least just say hello?

You may genuinely have just never thought to say hello but it seems like your friends have the impression that maybe you've been actively avoiding it if she's been at regular events.

Don't call up and ask her out for coffee, but at the next event just go up to her, smile, laugh lightly and say sorry, I don't think we've ever been introduced, how are you? Love your shoes / cardigan / whatever.

You may not think there's an issue but it sounds like it's coming across to others as there is so just kill it with kindness.

[sykadelic]

Taking the fact she's the ex's gf out of it... would your mutual friends (or ex) ever think it was okay to pick some random person and tell you that you should be friends with them? It's weird.

I'd probably go the route of a smile to the friends and a "Honestly? I'm sure she's a lovely person, as are all the people you're friends with, but I don't see a need to push a friendship with someone just because we know the same people or dated the same person. It'll happen if it's meant to".

or just laugh and say "Why? Because we slept with the same guy? I should have hundreds of friends then!"

Although to be honest I'd feel incredibly weird about it now. Like your mum has been forcing a friendship with the neighbour kid who've you've never really felt close to but it would make her life easier if you were friends...

[scottishmummy]

If there were children yiud need to be cordial pals,no kids you don't have to
I can't see a reason you'd be pals with his new girlfriend
And id not enter into a dialogue ir give any reason,its entirely personal preference

[BerylStreep]

I agree with everyone else - it's a bit weird to force it.

DH's friends are dead keen for him to be all matey with his ex gf, who they still see (big group of friends from uni who all keep in touch). They just don't get it that he isn't interested. (She is a crazed loon who sent a 7 page rant to DH about not being invited to our wedding - hess, the wedding was supposed to be all about her )

Reminds me of this a bit.

[WildBill]

Friendships develop naturally - or not. There's no real reason to feel obliged to 'friend' this lady. In a way it's be looking backwards not forwards as you and your ex move on and branch out. Don't force something which doesn't come naturally.

[Hissy]

I assume she's had chances to introduce herself, and your ex has had chances to introduce you.

I wonder who really is driving this, if it is her (insecure/know your enemy kinda thing) or if it's your EX feeling uncomfortable and wanting everyone to be friends as he's feeling awkward.

Could it be a reverse situation where she knows if she pushes it, you'll back off and bugger off out of the circle?

It does seem odd!

[OleaAndMarge]

Brief update - got a long e-mail from her a few days ago demanding to know why we couldn't be friends and why I didn't say "hello" to her.

I dealt in a "mature" way with it but I am absolutely fuming with the sheer cheek of it.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Hmm, sounds a bit... creepy? Desperate? Confronting emails is really quite a bad way to make someone want to be your friend - if she's old enough to date she's old enough to know this.