I think I regret my marriage, but not enough to leave

[gretan]

Does anyone else have frequent times when they regret being with their partner? Is this a normal way to feel occasionally or is it a sign you probably shouldn't be together? I feel like our problems are too vague and rambling to really describe properly but sometimes I feel like there are two different people that inhabits my husband's body - an incredibly loving, warm person I love to spend time with, and then sometimes an irrational quite childlike person who is impossible to reason with and who is incredibly difficult to live with. He can even change within the space of 15 minutes - saying horrible things, and then feeling that the argument is 'over' and being all sweetness and light again.

We have just had a bad argument where he accused me of wanting to isolate him from his family (an issue over not being able to afford to go and visit them for a weekend in another country). This resulted in me getting tearful, and retreating to the bedroom, he then comes in nice as pie, but when I wasn't nice back because I hadn't forgiven him for quite a nasty accusation, he goes back to storming around the house shouting again about how I want to separate him from his family. And now again 20 minutes later he is jovially calling out 'let me know when you're ready sweetie' (ie when I am no longer upset and willing to 'move on'). Just in case anyone suggests it, I really don't think there are mental health issues here. This isn't a major argument, but has caused again the pangs of regret, which is more the problem I think I need advice on,

We have been together 7 years, and married 2 of them, but it is our first relationship (of any sort) for both of us, which I think makes it harder to work out whether our problems are fairly normal and a relationship with another person would just have its own different problems, or whether fundamentally we would be happier without each other. Although I have a good, independent social life, in many ways our lives are so incredibly tied up together (although no children yet) I can't imagine unravelling them, and am fairly sure if we separated I would miss him terribly and be more unhappy more consistently than I am now, so I don't know that getting a divorce would be the answer. Instead I simply wish sometimes that we had never met, so that we could have continued in our lives without making each other unhappy. I don't really know what I'm asking here, or what the solution is - counselling maybe? Just needed somewhere to talk about this!

Do you like him? Respect him? Do you feel he likes and respects you?

He sounds emotionally abusive . I'd call it quits now in your shoes. Whys it your fault he can't afford to visit his family ? Shouldn't he have saved up or budgeted better ?

Tell him to go back to his family and stay there. Childish doesn't quite cover it.

Cailin - yes (most of the time, but not when he's being like this!), and I think that he feels the same about me but probably likes me more of the time than I like him!

I think the problem is technically we can 'afford' it in that we have the money in the bank, it would just mean that in order to also go on holiday we would need to take out a slightly bigger mortgage, which we don't want to do. After the initial tantrum he did recognise this, but this is a accusation he pulls out whenever he's feeling pissed off with me. He doesn't have a close relationship with his parents and complains all the time about seeing them, I also am not thrilled when they come to stay because we have a tiny place (they sleep in our sitting room) so are on top of each other, so try and limit how long they stay for - he feels the same yet pulls this out as an accusation. To be honest, this argument is not a good example, it's more my feelings of regret that are prompted by many other things than this that I am trying to work out how to work through.

What are the other things?

We have never had a 'normal' life together in terms of spending weekends doing things together etc because he has a career that demands an enormous amount of work outside normal hours, and he is also a perfectionist/workaholic so makes this worse. It's not something I can ask him to stop because how successful he is also determines where he can get a job, and we want/need to be in a particular location (mainly driven by my desires). However he could have a more balanced life, but instead becomes completely focused/blinkered on projects to the exclusion of everything else.

He also has become increasingly bad at dealing with the stress this results in, generally taking out on me through being incredibly bad tempered/ranting etc. When he is in 'normal'/'rational' mode he recognises this and is apologetic, but when he is in this stressed out mode he is completely irrational and sees no fault in his behaviour. This morning he has been stressed as he has been doing something to help his father when he should have been completing a project for work - which probably exacerbated his reaction to our argument. He 'blows up' over minor things (eg a traffic jam etc) and I'm completely intolerant of this behaviour so rather than letting it go I will pull him up on it, often in quite an aggressive way, which makes it worse, but I'm not prepared to act as though that is a reasonable way for him to behave.

We have spoken about him having counselling to potentially help with this stress/anxiety = angry outburst type pattern, but it will be difficult for him to find the time, and from brief investigation looks very expensive. Typing that though I realise it is probably worth it! I just worry that this will be my future and I will live an unhappy life because of it.

Do you have kids?

Can you list the positive things about your relationship?

If you don't have kids then I would run like the wind. I know you would feel intense shame at the start, but a few years later you would feel so happy and for everyone it will be a different memory. Find someone passionate (about you!) to have kids with.

I can tell you're in your 20s and he still sounds too tied to his family. Men like that never break free & also the work thing won't change either.

Plenty of people marry young and get divorced. The only ones people remember are when there are kids involved!

distant memory

The pangs of regret are telling you something and I think it a mistake to ignore those feelings.

Grown ups don't need counselling to learn not to engage in childish rants at their spouse. Does he treat anyone else like this ? The accusations are a form of gas lighting and designed to provoke a adversarial response. I know you say your intolerant of this behaviour , but the fact is your still there , and in some ways you believe this is something he needs help with , hence the counselling suggestion. He doesn't need help , he chooses to behave like this.

Years ago I was in a marriage similar to what you describe. He would rant at me , explode at me , claim to know what I was thinking and feeling. He was petty , childish , and abusive. I presumed it was a stress issue , and that it would change in time. It never did. Each time he would apologize like a naughty boy and I was meant to forget it. If I didn't he would explode again. It's not your job to police someone else's behaviour.

I strongly suggest you read about emotional abuse and it's affect. There's a very good book called why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. In the meantime I would tell him that his behaviour is causing you regrets. Next time he rants or accuses , get up , leave. Don't reward this behaviour with attention or emotional responses.

People don't put up with tantrumming from small children. He simply will not stop until there are negative consequences for him.

Counseling is a lot cheaper and probably less time consuming than divorce, so where there's a will. The fact you feel the way you do is a testament to the corrosive nature of his tantrums and you still calling him on his shit is a good sign.

Have you told him how his behaviour is making you reacess your future with him and that now is the time to act, before you reach the point where you no longer need his input to make a decision.

I also think you're being subjected to bullying. It's a very classic technique of emotional abuse or psychological bullying ... I call it 'good cop, bad cop'.... to alternate angry, irrational behaviour, accusations, blame, etc with very nice behaviour. Keeps you guessing, keeps you optimistic and, even though you are standing up for yourself, it's designed to get you to submit and will erode your confidence & judgement over time.

When he blows up at you over this business over his parents it's because he wants to intimidate you and not because he wants to see them more often. When he alleges to be 'stressed' this is another excuse to be angry and intimidating.

Sorry you're in this situation but would echo the advice to read up a little on emotional abusive techniques and then observe his behaviour through fresh eyes.

Any relationship can be very stressful at times. He is obviously a guy who needs to rant a bit to get all his anger and frustration out of his system and then he is fine again. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is perfect. If you left him and met someone else there would be other problems to deal with and obstacles to overcome. We can all be annoying and irritate the crap out of each other. It's how you deal with these frustrations and how, deep down, you genuinely like the other person... The whole package, the good, the bad and the ugly. It's time for you to sit down and have a calm heart to heart. It might be worth trying to find out why he feels you are isolating him from his family or whether this was just an angry person letting rip about a minor irritation. You love spending time with him a lot of the time. Build on that, remember the good times and perhaps accept that arguments are part and parcel of every relationship. He seems a fairly normal guy to me but only you can decide if this is the road you wish to travel.

I am not in any way condoning his behaviour, but am just wondering if a family holiday is coming before him seeing his family?

Counselling is not recommended for abusers. I suggest you do get some counselling for yourself though Op.

"arguments are part and parcel of every relationship"

Disagreements may be part and parcel but angry, shitty behaviour as described by the OP is completely unacceptable and not normal in the slightest

I don't think he sounds like a normal guy. I don't think anyone should ever accept that being yelled and bawled at is part and parcel of a relationship. Google the abuse cycle Op , then you might understand why he explodes when you won't accept this grovelling.

Sorry, I had to go out so I missed a lot of the responses. I really appreciate everyone's opinions, gives me a lot to think about!