Will my husband ever want to have children?

[Shloka]

Hi,
I'm from India; I had an arranged marriage. I was 26, husband was 30. Now I'm 27+, husband is 31+.I knew that husband lived & worked in Singapore, but I didn't know he was so obsessed about staying on there.

Having children was really important to me, I had assumed that its important to my husband too as he comes from a very traditional & well off family & all his cousins have big kids already-he too seemed very traditional.He'd also mentioned a boy's name & a girl's name he'd thought of. After marriage he told me that he intends to go off to the USA for two years (one & a half years after our marriage) to do an MBA. He also wants me to stay on in Singapore with a job so he can come back & job hunt after his MBA on my Dependent Pass. He hadn't told me any of this before marriage, rather his family had told us that they'd cancelled the marriage alliance of a software engineer girl who wanted to go abroad for just one year for her job as (according to them) the purpose of marriage was to live together, now we learnt that my husband had always planned to do an MBA he was only waiting to become a Permanent Resident (he had applied twice before, this is another thing we hadn't known & been rejected twice before, this was his third application).His PR application was rejected the third time & now he's decided he wants me to be a placeholder for him in Singapore, while he goes off to the USA to study. People do take their spouses and even children along while they go somewhere to do their MBA, I'd read for instance, that over half of IMD Lausanne's class brought their partners along,and quite a few had children or were going to have children while studying, but husband and mother in law say its not possible to accompany him while he does his MBA. (although his family is quite wealthy, they can easily afford this, my husband claims that he doesn't take money from his family, but his dad paid the down payment for his condo in Singapore, that is a lot of money, twice as much as his MBA cost)

I know if I don't want to do this; if I decide to relocate to my hometown because I'm missing my family or I hate my job & want to quit or even if I lose my job, he & his mom will blame me, they'll say he'd definitely have found some job if not for me.

Regarding a child, he says that he actually doesn't want a child at all, because the sufferings he's gone through, he doesn't want his child to go through, & this is something about which he's had long discussions with his parents, because they obviously want a grandchild. He says he'd even asked them to find him a girl who doesn't want kids, but he might eventually have kids due to social pressure later because (in his words) I want & his parents want. His dad also desperately wants him to relocate to our hometown & takeover the family business, but he adamantly refuses to do this & when I was annoyed with this being a placeholder in Singapore while he does his MBA in USA thing, he'd sms'ed his dad that this was all a "conspiracy" to get him back to our hometown & he'll not stay with me anymore so I don't know if social pressure of his family means anything to him.

His mother had an ectopic pregnancy at 30 which damaged one of her tubes & a hysterectomy at 34, she supports her son in whatever he wants to do, she says that nowadays one can have kids even at 40, she also asked me to "inspire" her son to do this MBA from USA & insisted I remain behind in Singapore with a job while he does this MBA.

People at his salary level do have kid/s in Singapore but he says he just can't afford a child & if he does do his MBA, he's going to be 33 when he starts his MBA & 35 when he completes his MBA, he also says he won't do consulting as there's "no life" but he wants some other job with a better work life balance, his friends are top i bankers & consultants who make 2.5x what he makes, in two years they'd have moved even further up in his i banking & consulting careers & he might just not land up the high paying, good work life balance job he's seeking & then his "sufferings" from life will only increase.

Do you think my husband will ever want kids?

I've just read the second part of your original post again and it seems like he really does not want to be married to you or anyone. And that he wants to get away from his family completely.

Also the tone of "this man and his lies" suggests that you really don't like him anyway, and that in the long term, whether he wanted children or not you would not have much to say to each other. The children thing is the tip of the iceberg here.

I actually feel very sorry for your husband, he sounds like he is under intense pressure to achieve (is your MIL only child?) and now he is under pressure from you to to have a baby when he is not even feeling he is a grownup.

I think that is what you need to sort out, not the technicalities of where you live or how long you wait for x yz or what x will cost compared to y citizenship x/residency why. What Sort of person does he want to be, what life does he see himself leading and where do you fit in? What are your hopes and dreams TOGETHER, does he see you as part of a new life where he can feel confident and happy, and does he realise that your confidence and happiness is part of his future?

Swanhilda: Yes he is an only child, so am I. He comes from a really well off family, I too come from a reasonably well off background.

He says he'd be happier if he were somewhere "far away" from his extended family, at other times he says if he moved back to our hometown and joined my father in law in his business, he could make a lot more money.

He also once mentioned that he'd like to spend some years like this abroad(no idea of how many years) and then move back to India and stay there as in live with his parents(which is how many families still live in India, with the man's parents). He didn't mention children even then.

I actually have little sympathy for my husband for quite a few reasons:

1. If he was so keen on Singapore, he could've specifically looked for some girl who had a Permanent Residency status or was a citizen. Then she could've easily accompanied him for his MBA, or even if she stayed behind, she would've already known and liked the place, so she might not have minded it so much. One of his friends, who does a job very similar to what he does, did exactly this, he specifically searched for a girl working in Singapore(she was a Permanent Resident) and had an arranged marriage with her. Even then, they found the place too expensive and they moved to the Middle East where he gets twice his old salary in Singapore. Husband also mentions another family friend who married a girl in USA because she was a citizen and he was keen to settle down there. Husband's mom had found a girl for him who was a year older to him and worked in Singapore with a very good salary. One of his Indian friends in Singapore has married a girl who's half a year older, but husband had told his mom that he will not marry an "older" girl, plus he said she's not even pretty(there's a bit of a taboo in marrying an older woman in India). I don't mean to sound vain, but I'm considered very goodlooking by even his Chinese and European friends. He wanted someone pretty, younger etc etc. Had he married a girl who was a Permanent Resident and earned a big salary, he could've easily achieved the same status as his friends financially.

2. Husband nonchalantly informed me that I should stay on in Singapore and rent out the other two rooms in his condo, he didn't even say it in a way which showed that he had any awareness or consideration for my feelings on the issue. Same with my mother in law, she didn't even show any consideration for my or my family's feelings.

3. Husband's friends make more than him not just because of their MBA but also because they slog, which he is unwilling to do. He comes from a business family but has no business ideas, he doesn't want to slog, he doesn't want to move to the Middle East where someone like him earns twice what they would in Singapore, he won't marry a girl who already works in Singapore and earns a big salary-but expects everything on a platter.

Divorce and marry someone who will be your partner. There really isn't anything else you can do if you want happiness, family, children, respect. Do it now, while you have plenty of time - you are just leaving behind a business deal gone wrong.

Why are you staying in this false marriage?

Get out now, your still young, dont wait for a decade and realise its too late.

You've been misled, with your family support, you can start again.

Isetan has it right.

He married you to keep his parents happy and to confirm. You know this isn't unusual with arranged marriages.

Problem is, not only does he not want children, he doesn't really want to be married, or live on the same side of the planet as his wife.

This is your main problem, I'm afraid. I don't think you need to ask the question about whether your husband will reconsider having children, but whether you want to stay married to someone who got you to agree to marriage under false pretences.

If you have your parents' support, I'd divorce in your situation.

All marriages form a legal contract. An arranged marriage is one in which the terms tend to be discussed much more so than many westernised marriages which are dressed up as romance and often fail to discuss the technicalities about living arrangements, financial goals and children.

In effect, your husband is in breach of contract. He could even be considered guilty of fraud because he deliberately misrepresented his intentions to get you to marry him.

Your marriage is only a year old. That's soon enough to get out of it and put it all behind you with only a hiccup in your history and plenty of time left to find someone else and have children.

I think if you stay and try to make the best of this situation, you'll end up consumed by bitterness and resentment.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

Just throwing this out there as it occurred to me while driving home....could he be gay?

It seems very odd that he wants to live completely seperate lives, why bother getting married at all? I am no expert on cultural expectations in Indian families, but wouldnt staying single be less of a stigma than being divorced?

He doesn't want to be in this marriage, you don't want to be in this marriage... go your separate ways.

you have family support, a clear idea of what you want and a husband who is not really being a husband in the normal sense, since he is indifferent to being with you and doesnt want children.

Its usually best to sit and talk something out with someone before making a huge change, but in this case I think he'll promise everything and mean nothing because he's scared of what his parents will say if you leave him. At the same time he doesnt want you very much (sorry) and certainly doesn't want children. So he'll probably play the 'say anything to keep everyone sweet but don't do anything about it' ... which could waste you another 4 years in a situation that there is no way you can win. He's already proved that he will go along with dishonesty and concealment and he'll then kind of blame you for not asking ... as if you were supposed to know. Expecting children is reasonable because it's the norm, also he led you to think that he was thinking of them by talking about baby names; expecting a late MBA is at least worth mentioning because it's not the norm.

I think that with your family's support and with your own clear ideas of what you want, you are actually in a strong position to get out of this probably-dead-end-trap. Becuase unfortunately between his lack of honesty, his not wanting children, the MBA and his laziness, building a reasonable future together is going to be very hard. The change would need to come from him, and laziness + tendancies to dishonesty are not a good combination for change.

Is divorce an option for you? Would you be able to return to your family and find another husband? To be honest, your DH and his family seem to have deliberately withheld important information from you in order to use you as a 'place holder' (what a horrible term!), in Singapore while he pisses off to do as he wishes in the USA for two years. I agree that his family should have sought out a girl with PR for Singapore, if that is where he's determined to live. It sounds to me like they were hoping you might persuade him to return to India and have a family - after his sojourn in the USA - and take over the family business. In other words, the whole lot of them colluded in the lies that lead to your marriage to this man who quite clearly does not want the same things in life.

Personally, if I had the option, I'd cut and run. If this union is unhappy now, just imagine how unhappy it will be five or ten or twenty years down the line when you've done as he wanted and remained in Singapore, childless, simply because that's what his family (and yours?) expects.

Im afraid I was thinking the same as Bogeyface. I hope this doesn't upset you.

It does appear that he has indeed breached marriage contract.

You have your whole life ahead of you still, please don't end up bitter, full of regrets.

The bottomline is you both want completely different things in life.

You deserve to be happy.

Reading your story makes me feel like you have been used conveniently to suit what is best for him!!

Time for tough talking im afraid.

with parental agreement to divorce, run and never look back.

i had a colleague who was misled (but with regard to her husband's propensity to hit women). Her parents backed her divorce completely.

OP - I don't blame your husband for not wanting the consulting lifestyle (been there, done that) but he is quite wrong to think that it is unusual for wives/husbands/partners/children not to accompany their MBA student family member. I did an MBA at Insead and my brother-in-law did one at Harvard and there were families galore at both.

Juneau, is right you were chosen over a woman with PR in Singapore simply because his parents hoped you would be able to persuade their son to move back to India. He went along with marriage to placate his parents, leaving you behind in Singapore as a 'place holder' is a convenient excuse to conceal that he doesn't want you to accompany him to the US. Your H doesn't want to share or build a life with you, shamefully he has used you as a buffer between him and his family. This is a selfish and cowardly man who will be just as rubbish a father as he is a husband. RUN!

I am sorry, but you have been tricked into marriage.

He does not want to live with you. He does not want children. He only wants to be married so that a spouse keep his place in Singapore for him. Your only purpose is to ensure he has residency in Singapore when he has fulfilled his ambition of completing an MBA. (I am currently doing an MBA and know how hard they can be, not only because often you need more time. I have 1.5 years of studying before writing up my thesis, which is thought to take another year). The software engineer was cancelled because she had her own ambition that did not suit her needs.

Is it possible to annul a marriage in India?

In Europe a marriage can be annulled if it has not been consummated (you dont have to answer if if has as this is a very private nature).

Look: sites.google.com/site/divorcelawsinindia/nullity-of-marriage-in-india

It looks like you might be able to claim

5. If the consent to the marriage was based on fraud or force;

Because he misled you to believe you had common goals when he in fact refuse to procreate and have children.