Is this the norm then?

[snetmums]

Been seeing someone for about 7 months. He has two children, who have different mothers. Yesterday he tells me that he is off on holiday with both his daughters, and his youngest daughters mother, so they can all spend time together as a family. They were together for quite a while and I know that his ex thought a lot of his oldest daughter. Is this normal? Or should I be concerned? Really don`t know how to feel about this.

Whether it's normal or not - and there are people who seem to have a better relationship post divorce than they did when they were together - if it's making you uncomfortable then it's making you uncomfortable. Maybe this guy comes with too much baggage for you?

Are you exclusive and did you discuss this? I've been going out with my partner for 7 months and I wouldn't dream of him doing the same and I am sure he feels the same about me going off with the ex for a holiday.

In the early days of our relationship, he used to spend some nights at his ex's (he was temporarily renting a one-bedroom flat that wasn't entirely suitable for having his DD over and he didn't drive which made ferrying her around difficult), which I wasn't happy about and I told him and he decided that not to do it anymore. He was always open about it. I've now met his ex and he knows while I prefer him not to do it, on the odd occasion he wants to see his DD and his ex asks him to and it's a school night, then I'm happy for him to do so.

But in terms of holidays, we see ourselves as a unit now. We will be taking all of our three kids together for a little break later on this month. For his DD's birthday in a couple of months, his ex was going to take his DD to see a show in London. She have us the option of them three doing it together (which I would have been happy with) or all of us going, which my partner and I discussed and decided it would be fine and would be lovely for the kids to do that together... Very modern family!

I think it's all a minefield. None of us have massive amount of experience with our situation but I think communication is key really. Have you voiced your discomfort with him?

Thus isn't about what's normal for others, it's what is normal for the family.

My parents are divorced and yet my mum and my dad and step mum and step family all spend Christmas and birthdays plus any other significant occasions all together.

Others may see that as weird but we are all a very tight nit family unit.

It may be normal for them, but it seems to say quite clearly, that they are all still family, and you are not. I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

I think this is great from the children's pov. It's good that a couple can split amicably and still maintain some family time for the sake of the children's relationship.

I know someone who has managed this and there is no question at all of them accidentally falling into bed with each other after some sangrias. They parent well together but are no longer a couple. As they embark on more serious new relationships I expect this to lessen over time.

But it is up to you whether you feel comfortable with it or not. You are allowed to decide what is acceptable to you or not in a relationship. Then you can either come to an agreement between you or end it.

BillyBanter I agree with you that that it`s much better for the kids this way. I would much rather he got on with his exes and had regular and willing contact with his kids, then to be constantly arguing/slagging them and having to be pushed into seeing his kids.

Flexiblefriend You have hit the nail on the head. I know Im not part of their family, but its beginning to feel like I`m not going to get the chance to be part of it, IYSWIM.

It`s also transpired that his kids, and his kids mothers, and indeed most of his friends, know nothing about me. Apparently he likes to " keep his private life, private" Red flag?

I did tell him before I learnt this that the situation made me a little uncomfortable, although I wouldn`t stop him. He assures me that nothing is going on between him and his ex.