No support

[dunsborough]

I found out I had cancer just before Easter and am now waiting on tests to see if it has spread.

I have only told H.

Support? Love? Kind words? Nada. The day I found out I called him at work, shocked. When he came home that night I don't know what I expected, but it certainly wasn't for him to walk in the door on the phone to his mate, joking and laughing about the football.
It made me feel so unimportant.

The relationship has not been great for a long time, but I assumed he might step up in a situation like this.

He has slept on the couch every night since I found out. He has not asked me how I am.

This morning I asked him why he was ignoring me, he said he wasn't and left the room.
I then found him sitting having a coffee elsewhere.
He said "I know you're angry but don't take it out on me."
The thing is, I'm not angry. I have been very quiet, yes, and sad, but not angry - it might come later?
In a less than finer moment, I poured his coffee down the sink and asked him to please talk to me. He left for work without another word.

I feel so lonely. Been married 17 years. I'm scared. Sad.

I haven't told anyone else because I don't know anything really. Still waiting on results. I haven't told our children.

That's all really. I think I have lost sight of normal. What would you expect from your DH at a time like this?
Also I'm tired. So tired - which makes me think the results are not going to be good.
I told him this. Extra work around the house? No.

Op I am so so sad to hear about your situation . Your DH reaction and his lack of support is just so wrong. This is definitely Not normal. I think you should start reaching out to people, to your children, close friends, you need support right now.

Thank you Coffee. Your kind words made me teary.

Might be a silly question, but what does 'support' mean? Is it talking? Hugs? That's what I feel I need...

I have to go to work now but thanks again for your kind words.

I'm so sorry. I'm wondering if he is just in pure shock. Of course that doesn't make it any easier. Is he this way about other bad news? In denial about everything?

Before marriage I had cancer and was treated for 6 months. Dh knew about it before we got married. I was just kind of matter of fact about it since I felt it was his right to know. I wasn't looking for hand holding but an "I'm sure that was hard" would have been nice.

A few years after we were married someone from work got diagnosed with the same type. He went on and on on her treatments, how she had to go part time, etc. He was all teary and I looked at him and said deadpan, "Well that is everything I went through. It wasn't easy".

I just think he was in total denial and didn't even want to Think of me being in that situation. That's my only answer, because with other people he is very compassionate.

I so hope things work out for you. Men are the weaker ones, for sure.

I'm sorry, you must be so frightened.

Here's something that occurs to me: I have one friend who, when she got a diagnosis of cancer, absolutely wanted life to go on as normal. As she put it, "Don't fuss over me, it'll just keep reminding me." I'm not making excuses, but perhaps your husband is thinking along these lines?

Or then again maybe just shock.

I don't know how he is normally, but for the avoidance of doubt it might be worth sitting down and saying, "Look, I'm really scared and it would help me a lot if you: gave me random hugs, reassuring words, take over the hoovering [and insert other specific chores], spend some more quality time with me on weekends..." You get the idea.

Can I gently suggest that you contact a cancer charity for some more support, if you're not ready to tell other friends/relatives?

Sorry, just saw your other post asking what "support" means. Good question! I think it just means whatever you need, even just an extra ten minutes together in the mornings chatting over coffee to cheer you up before your day.

That's awful. I can't understand why he would sleep on the settee?

Can you ask him outright, how do you feel about all this?

Yes find support elsewhere. You might have to accept he is not going to step up. He should be ashamed of himself.

Support can be as simple as a look that lets the other person know you're thinking about them.

It can be a squeeze of the shoulder in a room full of other people.

It can be a silent smile of reassurance and, "I know what's being left unsaid too".

It can be space to talk if you need it and space to not talk about it if you don't.

It can be a cup of tea or a hug.

It's not what your husband is doing.

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis and hope for the best possible outcome, of course

I'm sorry you've had bad news and I think your DH is acting very peculiarly and very selfishly. I'm sure he's finding the news difficult but it seems like he's making it all about him and being very cold in the process. Suggest you tell him what it is you need and then please find someone less self-absorbed to confide in.

Could you write him a short letter? Something he can read in private. Just saying 'I'm scared, and right now I need you'.

I also agree that you need to get other support - a friend, another family member?

I've had several relatives and in laws with serious life threatening illnesses. The idea is that people will rally and look after you , but in my experience sometimes people abandon you when you need them the most. This looks heartless and cruel , and it is , but I think it's often not malicious , it's sheer fear , denial , and emotional distancing to protect themselves. It's not talked about much , but it's also not unusual to feel incredibly angry at someone who is very ill. He sounds like he's got his head in the sand and doesn't want to look at it.

Have you always been the strong one in your marriage ?

This doesn't help you of course , and regardless of what's going on with him he should be supporting you. Please tell others so they can help you. I can't imagine how frightened you must be , I hope your test results are good news.

My best friend had cancer and when she told me I just locked down and couldn't bring myself to talk to her about it. I would go and visit or meet her for coffee but would talk about anything but. It was completely selfish of me and luckily I snapped out of it before it got out of control. I hope this is what your DH is doing and it will get easier

dunsborough this isn't right- shock would be understandable in the immediate aftermath of finding out but now he needs to be making some gesture, in his own way, to acknowledge what you're going through.

Sleeping on the settee with no explanation sounds unbearably unsupportive, to me. If you say things haven't been good for a while, it may be that he's an abusive man and now he is in his own bubble and only concerned about what it means to him. Not trying to read too much into your remarks but I'm reading a book now about abusive men which specifically talks about how some men step up abuse when their partners become ill or vulnerable in some way ('Coercive Control' by Evan Stark).

Wishing you all the best and so sorry for this situation. It sounds like you are handling it so well at the moment (but I Know you have no alternative!)How old are your children?

OP I am very sorry you are experiencing this. Your husband's reaction is not only abnormal and callous, I would say it goes as far as being cruel. Is there anything gloating about his behaviour?

Just a couple of days ago I read something about men being much more likely to abandon or divorce wives with serious illness whereas women are more likely to support a sick husband. I have seen this happen twice to women in RL. Do tell some trusted friends and family members and get their support. Also take whatever practical steps you can to protect yourself financially should he walk out.

I wish you all the best