When to call time on a relationship?

[confusedeffie]

A little background - I have been with DP for 12 years and we have 2DC. For the past 4 years there have been many problems with our relationship. I caught him messaging woman online and I retaliated by having an affair. We went for relationship counselling and we decided to give it a go. We get on well as a couple and we see eye to eye on most things but there are trust issues which I'm beginning to wonder if they will ever be resolved.

Today we went to a friends house for a bbq, as we arrived there was a lady ( I do not know her) with her friends she jumped up hugged DP and was all smiles and friendly greetings and as soon as she realised I was with him her face dropped and she seemed quite taken aback. When I asked DP how he knew her he explained that she works in a shop that he goes to. He knew why I was asking and what conclusions I was jumping to and got annoyed that I still didn't trust him. I just think that the greeting and her reactions to me for the rest of the afternoon were just odd especially considering he says he doesn't even know her name.

I don't know if there is anything going on with this woman but I do know that I don't trust him. There is so much talk about relationships not working because couples don't work at them hard enough but how much bad stuff should you go through before saying enough is enough. I am quite confident that a single life will suit me in most ways and have no qualms about raising my children alone but I know that I do love DP deeply and I don't know whether to keep trying in the hope that trust will come or to admit defeat and call it a day. What do you think? What would you do?

If he's given you reasons to not trust him he should be prepared to walk over hot coals for you in order to regain that trust. Instead he got annoyed.

Have you told him that he's destroyed your trust and you're finding it hard to put it behind you? If you have, it's time to tell him you're thinking about ending it.

But you were the one who had an affair no? I'm confused.......

confusedeffie what would your dp have to do to regain your trust in him ?

He knows I don't trust him and I'm not sure there is anything that can be done to regain trust in our relationship. I guess I want to know whether you can have a relationship without trust. We get on and is an attentive partner and we are happy most of the time, but then every now and again something happens and I can't help but doubt him.

wildbill - I did have an affair after I found out about his women online for which I am deeply ashamed about - it was about revenge and it wasn't a pleasant experience.

confusedeffie could you minimise the issues about trust when they arise and then focus on the positives of the relationship and take it from there?

You can have a relationship without trust, of course you can. But it's a pretty hollow, suspicious, anxious kind of relationship where you are forever twitching every time a text comes in or they're late home, or you're getting upset because a woman hugs your partner at a barbecue. Having an 'unpleasant' revenge affair which seems to have left you feeling cheap and hypocritical will also mean you feel resentment towards your partner.

I'd be asking myself why I was so determined to stick around enduring the status quo. ('For the children' is not a good answer btw) What is it about an independent life that scares you?

Surprised at some of the advice tbh.

He was messaging women online which broke your trust but you can't blame him for your choice to have a spiteful revenge affair and what about the other human being who you used to achieve this, do they not matter at all?!

I think your actions there are what has destroyed the relationship tbh. If you wanted to build up the trust and save the relationship it might have been possible before your 'revenge', now I think your relationship needs to end for the sake of everyone involved and you both could do with growing up a bit if you're going to make a good partnership with anyone else in the future.

No without trust there is no relationship. Can't help but feel you are both just dragging this on, how long will it be before he goes looking again? I'm afraid when you are at a situation where the man is looking for someone else and you retaliate by having an affair, that was the time to call it a day, the relationship isn't strong enough to last.

I know deep down that our relationship is over. I had hoped time would heal the hurt we both caused and in many ways it has. He is confident that things will be o.k and he wants to keep going. We talked today and he has suggested counselling again. I'm not sure if it will help it didn't seem to last time. I f we don't try, I guess it's time to leave.

I know you had the affair as retaliation but have you always mistrusted him? It's quite often the one that keeps pointing the finger is the one that misbehaves. It was in my experience. It's pointless without any trust.