Can I, as a younger woman, be friends with an older man?

[futuremature]

Hi,

Posted about Red Flags for new friends before.

Over the last few months, signed up to a few interest groups, and one of them, I've met someone who I find interesting.

We're actually both going to be mature students in similar subject, so we've that in common. He seems socially competent (thus far). He mentioned I should drop him a line if I want to have lunch to talk about X (interest in common).

Issue: He is about fiftyish/sixtyish, and I'm 30.

That said, my closet/only friends now are two older men -fortyish - without any sexual weirdness?

I dunno, is it just weird/unbalanced though? Am I missing on some social sixth sense that other women have?

I can turn a pass down, but I'm wondering if "just having older male friends" is making me unbalanced/odd?

As a child, I was isolated from my peer group, so I feel out of touch with people who are similar age/gender to me...

but is it important for me to try to be "inside the mainstream" more? Aspire to more female friends my own age? My school years were a social write-off so I haven't got any links from then.

In my teens, early twenties, I had two very toxic female friends who cause issues even though I've gone NC (bullying, "Wendying", passing on details to abusive family etc).

My mother is narc, as is my older sister: I used to buy her presents to stop her bullying me - I struggle more "naturally" with women than men. Although I am certainly putting energy into spending time in all female spaces (eg sports teams) and will continue to do so as I'd love a close female friend, I haven't really ever made anyone close from there.

Any thoughts welcome. Thank you.

I think start of as friends slowly and casually. Meet for coffee, no expectations. If you feel comfortable then take it from there. Do not give out mobile etc until you are sure, if you want to meet again say "drop me a message" easier to distance if it goes wrong down the line.
As a note, some of my dearest friends whose opinion I value greatly are 15-20 years older. I love their calmness and pragmatic views. Don't let age be a barrier but be healthily wary of all until proven otherwise. Enjoy but trust your gut instinct!

When I was 22/23 ish one of my friends was a dear older gentleman I met at a writing group. I used to go see him for coffee and conversation. He was in his early sixties. Too old for there to be any sexual element. He was more like a substitute granddad. I miss him, he had a cracking sense of humour.

I'm 39 and I have friends of all ages, including an 18 year old who I recently, sadly, realised is young enough to be my daughter! and a 73 year old man.

Many of my friends are 20+ years older than me. So no, having friends who are different ages to you is not a problem at all.

What are you nervous about? Are you thinking it may turn into a relationship? As you say you have a shared interest so personally I don't see it as a big issue. And plenty of people have large age gap relationships (including me) which can work very well.
Take things slowly, keep it casual you may end up with a good friend. Or more, or less! One step at a time...

Pineapple thanks for you thoughts - I'm not looking to date anyone, more expand my social circle, if I can. Got myself into some fairly bad social situations in the past so trying to be a bit more self-aware and make an effort to think things through, as I'm not 100% confident my instincts are up to scratch.

hmm, I think if he wanted to just be friends, he wouldn't immediately ask you out for lunch, he'd probably suggest going to a relevant exhibition or something. Even from the point of view that YOU might think lunch means a date. He doesn't know that you are used to having male friends, does he. It's especially not that usual from his pov, he's from a more 'traditional' generation. I'm talking from experience - most much older men do not ask you out for lunch/dinner if they are not hoping for more, though I did manage to turn one such attempt into a normal friendship (but I still know he'd prefer to be more than a fiend, he's just nice enough to keep it to himself).

I've a few female friends I'm old enough to be the father of. Beyond vaguely thinking about whether I could introduce the prettier of them to my sons, no, there's nothing sexual involved. So, basically, relax. Unless they've got sons your age, in which case watch out for set-ups.

Is he single as well? If that is the case and you are both single then I would be wary that he could get the wrong end of the stick or I could be seen as 'leading him on' (horrible phrase) for wanting to be friends if I were in that situation.

If he is taken, then you could ask friendly questions about his SO (what does she do, how long have you been together etc.) which would be obviously awkward in a dating context but normal between two friends. If he is just looking to be friends then he won't think anything of it and if he was looking for something more then he will hopefully get the message.

Having friends who are older than you isn't an issue in itself though as PP have said. I have made friends of a lot of different ages through work and older friends through being with an older guy.

The difference is, those are people who I got to know at a pace which naturally transpired - having chats here and there, invited to the pub with a group, and so on. It's the sudden asking you out to lunch straight away which sounds datey.

Sound like there are deep seated reasons why you feel comfortable with older men. I don't think there its anything unhealthy about friendships with big aged gaps. I have friends 20 years younger and have had friends 20 years older of both sexes.

You may wish to explores at some point why you struggle with friendships with other demographics but maybe you are just an outlier and if you are happy with how you are then fine. Not everyone has to confirm to a norm of mostly same sex similar aged friends.

If he thinks he is on a date she can put him right, same as she can with any other man.

I think it's nice to have male and female friends of all ages; one of my wisest friends is a 24 year old man.

But (in the interests of balance!) all my older male friends have expressed sexual interest at some point. It hasn't ended the friendships - except for one who just wouldn't drop it - but maybe be be aware that it's likely to come up.

You can be friends with people of any ages.

However ime if any man asks you out to lunch he's always been interested in more than friendship.

You could suggest a coffee instead to chat about what ever it was? less date like.

I did a degree as a mature student a few years back and made friends with a much older man. I got chatting to him one afternoon in the refectory - I didn't have to rush back for kids that evening and ended up talking to him well into the evening. After that we became mates. I even loaned him some money to pay his tuition at one point - totally trusted him - and he paid me straight back.

We did stuff together all the time - lunch, drinks, dinner, we even went to a music festival together. It was pure friendship, nothing else. We were mates and still are.

I couldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks. why does having older male friends make you 'odd'? Friends come in all shapes and sizes. I don't have any female friends my own age - does that make me odd? I dunno, and more importantly I don't care. Friends are friends whatever age and gender they may be. What does 'inside the mainstream' even mean?

This chap has asked if you want to meet for lunch to discuss the 'subject' you have a mutual interest in. Sounds perfectly innocent to me, and if it isn't you can put him straight. I also disagree with several posters here who seem to think 'lunch' equals 'date'. Why does it? People meet for lunch for all sorts of reasons - business lunch, friends, shared interest etc.

To be honest, when I was younger, I also preferred male companies too, but in actual fact, I needed to learn for myself male attributes and actual assertiveness as well as part of my growing up. We can often say that our mothers were narcissistic or that the were "wrong" in some ways, but if we stop to think about things, like in a very open-minded way. People are just people, and that we need to take absolute control of our lives and what we expose ourselves to. These days, I see my life as progressive. Stopping the clock on some of the things which propelled me in the wrong direction, and correcting things where necessary.

Ask yourself this question. Why did you questioned this and is not able to pinpoint exactly how you see the situation ? Your moral radar should belong to you. If you have doubts being friends with an older person, then surely it is not something that you want to do ? Because if this is absolutely something you want to do, then why ask others for their opinions ? You also mentioned that you now "fear" female companionship because of the past experiences, but surely, not all females are the same, right? Plus we are transient people, meaning that, when that specific experience is over, people revert to their natural persona, and not their exaggerated dramatic self. I also used to have such friends too, but in my old age now, I realised that, at least the were honest in expressing their feelings, and now that we are all older, we are also wiser too. You just do not do anything to jeopodize each others' lives. Or to make one another more and more upset. This is called trust.

I used to call my male friends "good female friends", until they up and left, settled with partners, and removed this kind of emotional relationship. When this happened, I realised that I have wasted my time and emotions in a context which was not true.

When in female relationships. Be strong and express yourself. Being yourself will gain you respect from others, and let them know the kind of person that you are. Then at least you can take it or leave it then.

Thanks for all the thoughts.

1. I do absolutely agree that there can be friendships with people from very different backgrounds, and I apologise if I've implied they can't exist - its more a "me personally issue"?

I'm at a life stage where I'd like to slowly expand my social circle a bit, but also wary as I seem to have invited really poisonous, unhealthy interactions in the past? so I'm trying to avoid getting into anything similar. I missed out on a lot of the formative learning social skills stage, and though I'm trying to learn and improve, I know I am still a bit naive when it comes to some things!

2. read a post on a thread here which said they found a lot of narcissists only had "friendships" which are odd/unbalanced.

That struck a chord: age aside, I'm from a very recognisable ethnic minority, and you do get people who intentionally seek to socialise with girls from my background? And they turn out to be weird/unpleasant. It was like they didn't want to socialise with me as a person, just futuremature is a young female from X background. I myself would be thinking of them as friends, but they weren't seeing me as such, or as an equal.

Also the female friends had same thing - big "difference" which meant we weren't actually honest and open with each other - hiding issues in the cultural difference? I was thinking "give them a chance, be open-minded, don't judge" but this back-fired massively.

Which is why I'm wary of big differences (at least in my life) now.

3. Like Maisie said, although I can't absolutely control my environment, I do want to be progressive, in where I put my energy?

Any more thoughts/honest opinions are welcome, MN is my sane friend for now.

I'm inclined to maybe go for lunch/coffee (he asked me to contact him) and suss out the lie of the land further? and I've got things this weekend with people more my age, and am going on an all women night out.

The love of my life turned out to be someone 22 years older than me!

Lots of his friends have become my friends too, so I've ended up with lots of friends who are basically from another generation. And he's ended up with lots of younger friends.

I think if you're kindred spirits you're kindred spirits.

It's very sweet how he's left the ball in your court. I think if you take him up on his lunch idea he'll see it as a date. If you want to start in the friend zone, invite him to something where there'll be other people.

Maybe you could meet for a coffee rather than lunch? It's a bit less "date-y"

Ok, decision made!

I think I'll leave off any intense 1-1 interactions and just enjoy chatting and being friendly on the group website, and keep on interacting in a group environment, and see where time takes it!

I think it could "potentially" be an interesting interaction, but also the fact that I'm already overthinking it is probably a red flag.

As in I don't "need" this connection but I'm giving myself too much drama in already obsessing over how I'm going to manage it, if I'll offend him by doing X or Y...

Many thanks for all your thoughts and perspectives.