Do people with kids care less emotionally about break ups?

[StinkusMinkus]

Been reading the relationships board since having DS nine months ago, and have come to the conclusion that now I have a son I would never really 'care' about a relationship ending in the same heartbroken, dramatic way I would have done before I had him.

I mean I would be devastated financially, and emotionally in terms of parenting arrangements for my son etc. But I can't really seeing myself ever being 'heartbroken' again, or caring enough about being single to make efforts to date.

Am I a psychopath or does anyone else kind of understand what I'm getting at??

I guess once you have kids there is less at stake as in the need to have kids but heart break still hurts. However, if you don't mind being single then why change it?

I understand. It's more just that your child(ren) put quite a lot in perspective. I often think that as long as DS is happy and healthy then I'm not fussed about much else. Well in the sense of how I have been before over a break up, all crying endlessly and "how will my life go on??". Everything becomes less about you, I suppose.

I'm single and never been happier.
Too lazy to date, but when I do it will be for fun now because I already have everything I need.

I think the amount of love you are feeling for your ds make you think that you couldn't be upset about a lesser love you would feel for a lover.

You could be wrong. I idolise my dd but when her df walked out I was heartbroken for us both.

I sort of see what you mean: I'm single and can't be arsed to date because my son is a bit all consuming at the moment and I can't imagine anyone else in my life.

On the other hand, If I was in a relationship, while I may cope better with a break up, I would be gutted on a whole other level as it would affect my child's life as well, and I'd feel responsible for that. I'm not sure I'm explaining myself very well, but I sort of get where your coming from!

ThisFence - Yes, it's exactly that. 'How will my life go on?' Well, now I know that it will; that whatever happens I get up the next day and take care of our lives as normal. I think the only thing that has the power to upset me now is the thought of him not being okay, not being there etc.

^^ fuckhim says it so much better than me!

Hehehe no you are not a psychopath. You have just realised this other extreme love. The love for your child. Not the same as romantic love but it does consume you!
Some people don't have that (they stay madly deeply in love with their partner) but I kind of projected all my love on Dd. She was (is) my reason for being where as DH is my favourite team member until he is rude and inconsiderate then I am less 'bovvered'.
When DD was born it did coincide with DH and I hitting a rough patch. Hence why we waited another almost 3 years to conceive number 2.

I know that after surviving the break-up of my marriage (from which I have two DSs) time really does heal and I don't think another break-up will affect me in the same way again.

If I can get over the loss of what was more than just a relationship/marriage, but the perfect family life I had planned for my DSs, and that disappointment of a future lost, I can get over any other break-up.

Yes, they'll hurt, but I will know I will get over them.

You won't know what it's like until it happens.

Mychilddoesntneedsleep- so sorry that must have been really hard in so many ways.

Thanks Nunyabiz

I think the amount of love you are feeling for your ds make you think that you couldn't be upset about a lesser love you would feel for a lover.

I feel exactly this - but I'm aware it's an untested hypothesis in my case. (DS is 2, been single since pregnancy, only now beginning to think I could maybe, possibly, entertain a casual and undemanding relationship if one happened to present itself as a possibility.)

Sorry MyChild, you sound like a tough cookie.

I don't think the OP means to "do down" any hurt felt, especially by children, when a relationship breaks up. It's more that sometimes your reaction to a break up would be different once you have children. At least that what I meant. I hope no one gets upset by that, it wasn't meant to cause upset as obviously everything affects people differently.

God no, I think that a break up is much worse once you have children. It's not just about what you lose, but about what your children lose, and about the bit of your children you lose. Splitting up pre kids would be easy in comparison.

Aww, thanks fence I'm not tougher than any other person that's gone through that. I just meant because I've experienced that I don't think another break-up could shock/hurt me as much...I really thought we'd die together (as I suppose any married person would) and having kids solidified that feeling, so it really was devastating.

Mychilddoesntneedsleep - Sorry, yeah I'm by no means downplaying how hurtful it must be. I'm just wondering whether the hurt is more in terms of concerns for your children etc - you mention what hurt the most was the loss of family life you'd planned.

Pre-kids I've sobbed when relationships have ended about them not loving me, missing them etc. Now, purely hypothetically, I can't imagine really being too upset that DH doesn't love ME etc. I'd be upset about any hurt to my son, and any disruption to his life mainly.

Yes for me, splitting up with kids is way scarier, but yes you'd get on with it day to day instead of a big pre kids wallow fest.

I agree with gin and MyChild. When XP and I broke up I was devastated, not only because I had imagined us growing old together but because of the loss for DS. It was a month before christmas and I just saw happy families everywhere and did most of my christmas shopping whilst crying.

BUT, I do get what you mean, I am now seeing a wonderful man who is great and we've been together for about a year but I would not be as heartbroken if we split up as I would've been pre DS. It's great because he's a LP too so understands how I sometimes need time to myself and I very rarely have the energy to go out so we have lots of cosy nights in instead.

I see where you are coming from. I no longer. Have the gut wrenching fear that me and dh will break up as I know I would never be alone. I think if we did split up I would actually choose to stay single as I would rather focus on dd and my own social life. Before dd I thought I would never survive losing dh, but now I think I could because I have dd. Sorry if that sounds horrible, but it's how I feel.

The thought of my marriage breaking up makes me more upset since we had our DD. Before she came along, if we had split up, I'd be sad but life would've gone on. Now, I'd be devastated because of how it would affect DD. She adores her daddy, and is always happiest when the three of are together. I hate to think of her having to grow up without that.

Maybe my perspective is skewed as my father never lived with us as a kid. My mother and he separated before I was born and my mother later married someone else - a perfectly nice man. So I guess I don't really view not living with your father as a tragedy in itself. I don't have a nucleur family ideal to aspire to.

But yes, I do think that when hog have children you do fear break ups more in terms of what it would mean for them.

But for me - I would be perfectly happy with just me and the boy. Couldn't see myself ever agonising over texts, and 'when will he call' again.

I've never met my father, my mum raised me alone. It's only been through seeing DH with DD that I've been given any insight into "oh, so THAT'S what dads are for", and I would hate for her to lose that.

Yes I agree with everyone who says it would be so much more about your child/ren and the impact on them that a relationship breakdown has.
I'm another one whose parents split before I was born (although didn't divorce until I was about 3) but DD is a total daddy's girl and I love it. It's soooo beautiful to watch. For that reason it would break my heart serger go through that (and for that reason I feel so angry with mums who restrict access to fathers to punish them or from their own resentment of relationship breakdown but that's a whole new thread!)