Practical help to argue constructively...

[Swannykazoo]

Looking for any good resources to try and develop mine & DH's arguing skills. Have done a bit with work ie "I feel this when you do this, instead could you do that and I'll do that. " My parents also argued a fair bit, but it was done & dusted, air cleared, sulkers generally laughed at.
We don't row very often, but DH's parents do horrible sniping at each other, shush and dismiss each other. Horrid and I've sadly discovered the whole family sulk. A minor row over DH refusing to get up to get breakfast (I did last weekend+ am BFing our 4 month old), and me finding last night's dinner plates stacked above the empty dishwasher when making breakfast after asking him to clear up involved him calling me names (nag, nasty, patronising) being very childish "you started it etc" then sulking for most of the day.
It appears relatively obvious to me he has no arguing "skills" and has had no role model where arguing is a normal part of a relationship. I think I've read its important for kids to see constructive arguing to learn you can disagree but still be loved etc. He complains my "I feel this" approach is patronising!
Any pointers for useful resources? Counselling if things get worse sure, butI'd really like to keep it light and informal. And we have no babysitters either....

Your DH doesn't lack arguing skills. He can't be arsed to shift himself and then he'd rather attempt to bully you than own up to being in the wrong.... Your tactic of 'I feel X, Y and Z' would work with a reasonable person but it ain't gonna work when you're up against a lazy arsehole who really doesn't care how you feel.

The only way you deal with this is a) set expectations of acceptable behaviour in advance b) outline consequences of unacceptable behaviour and c) follow through. Zero tolerance.

I am not sure if it works with husbands, but the book "how to talk so that kids will listen and to listen so that kids will talk works with teens". Lets face it men never grow up!

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380570009/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1399231707&sr=1-2&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+and+listen+so+kids+will+talk

My dp was a lazy git and would do the same thing . I would be called a nag ect.. It caused so many problems which are still on going. I think it's just basic lack of respect.

I don't like using " I feel like x,y,z when you do...' Because it kind of takes the blame of them if they are your feelings IYKWIM.

Cogs last paragraph is spot on however it didn't work for me and dp as I was un willing to accept this kind of shit. It became an every day battle over petty crap.

He no longer lives here.

Sounds like you ended up with 'c) follow through'. Well done for asserting yourself. :)

Hmm - I do think there are some respect issues here - certainly looking at how his father talks to his mother. If I ever heard "shut up woman" (on a fairly minor argument) I would be emptying his stuff into the bin. I do think that there is a lot of redeemable stuff though so I'm not at LTB yet!

I will try the how to talk to kids book - thanks!

I don't agree arguing is part of a normal relationship. I think negotiation is.

We have negotiated our chores so that we both have ones we don't mind and both have ones that we do...and we share the blitz cleaning and bin duties. Instead of 'I/you have to do this soon' we say 'when shall we do this soon?' and agree a time and do half each. Then we block out the time together.

You may not be at 'LTB' but the point about lack of respect is that it is not improved by saying 'I feel this when you do that' etc. All that earns you is his contempt, which is very clear by his attitude. Negotiate but take a tough line. Focus on getting the task done rather than the emotion.

BTW... it's not helpful to keep referring back to his parents. If you're going to bring them up at all use their crappy behaviour towards each other as a dire warning, not as some kind of excuse for his crappy behaviour. He's a grown-up and he is fully capable of choosing to behave properly.

Interesting - I'm aware my perception of normal is not necessarily normal etc etc.
Just sounding you out if that's ok. We have a dishwasher - hallelujah. DH has never lived in a house with one (lame excuse but I hear it often). I hate seeing plates stacked on the side or left on the table after dinner - the rule used to be whoever cooks doesn't wash up. I cook all the time. I would expect that when clearing up the plates etc are put away in the EMPTY dishwasher and not stacked above it for someone else to put in. I'm aware there isn't much negotiation here - I want it done, he gives me a thousand reasons why plates can be left everywhere.
Shall I take a 'just do it' or say 'your job is to put stuff in dishwasher' and ignore plates still there >12 hours later?

Cross post soz. Valid point CES - my father is honestly a lunatic but I behave properly! I've just realised some of the extent of the ILs toxicness and am pretty horrified by their behaviour & attitudes so I may be cutting him unnecessary slack...

Set the expectations.... 'When we've used stuff it goes straight in the dishwasher'.... and get agreement. Day to day try .... 'Have you put the plate in the dishwasher?' If he has he can say 'yes' , if he hasn't he has chance to correct it. That's how I do it with DS but he's only 13 and still in training.

And on parents.... QED.... your father is a lunatic but you're a reasonable person. You have chosen your own higher standard of behaviour and your DH is choosing to be a lazy arse because nothing bad happens when he does. You are definitely cutting him unnecessary slack.