Siblings and disagreements over power of attorney

[topbanana1]

Aaargh - am one of 4 - eldest 2 siblings live in the US. Parents are elderly and need help with managing their affairs. 3rd sibling is an accountant and has very kindly and helpfully started (with my parents permission) to take over their financial and other admin, as they can't handle it.

He now needs a power of attorney to continue and it was always agreed it would be 3rd sibling and me (as we live in the UK). Now sibling 1 has been insisting he is involved - BUT he lives in the US. I know from practical experience of my dh having power of attorney for my in-laws that in practice you actually need to go into banks, produce proof of ID etc - this will all be impossible for the sibling who lives in the US. All it will do is ensure that sibling 2 - who IS actually doing the work, cannot act, as banks etc may not deal with him.

I don't care whether I am involved or not (well, am quite miffed that sibling 1 appears to have been telling my parents I should not do it - this is supposedly because I am not a trained accountant, which he is). I do care that sibling 3 can get on with paying all the bills etc that need paying - so far, he's been paying for things out of his own pocket, but that's not fair on him.

Anyone else have infuriating siblings??

Spell out very clearly to sibling 1 (by email) that dps are VERY upset after his phone calls. Tell him that you agree they are fine to chat to on the phone but they are NOT ok and slowly going downhill and minor intervention of daily assistance is required NOW to prevent them ending up in very costly care homes in the future (this may appeal to his miserly ways???)

Could you and sibling 3 discuss what to say sibling by 1 so that the email comes from both of you???

I think you need to be incredibly blunt with sibling 1 because as I said above there is going to be nothing but grief from him so you may as well go ahead and at least get your dps looked after properly out of it.

I feel for you, I have been through a nightmare with POA with my Brother saying to SW that I was financially motivated for my own gains and not acting in my Mother's Best Interests. This was whilst he hadn't seen her for over 5 years and thought he could tell how she was with Dementia over the phone from half way across the world. Situation not helped by my Mother's paranoia and her saying I was evil, plotting against her and didn't want me involved in her care.

Luckily the SW got what was going on and I was exonerated very quickly but it was awful at the time. We are joint and severally on the Finance LPA for all matters accept for the sale of her house which we are joint so required both to sign. This went through whilst Brother was still abroad though it delayed things slightly, so it is possible to do. For everything else I have the chequebook, Internet banking though this has reminded me to get him to go to Bank now he is back.

Is the SW any good ? If so maybe they could ring distant sibling and tell them straight he can not judge the situation over the phone and they need help? And maybe they could suggest a Solicitor comes to visit your parents at Home to discuss what they want ? If not the SW what about a longstanding friend of your parents to try and mediate ?

If it's any help to hear, my Brother and I have managed to move beyond the carnage of last year and do now work together effectively to make sure Mum is as happy and well cared for as she can be in the circumstances.

be very clear with sibling 1 about how bad things are. tell him about incontinence and not changing clothes, not taking medication etc. don't leave the bad bits out, don't down-play it.

i'm also one of 4. in our family sibling 2 & 4 live overseas. 1 & 3 are at home with mum. no. 3 only has poa. i'm very keen for no. 3, who has poa and does all the grunt work to get help in and in full support of mum going to a home. i can tell you as sibling 4 living overseas that there is no way without being there that i can tell how my mum is doing. i recently visited and got the shock of my life at how bad she had got. i phone regularly. my lovely sibling no. 3 has had to live with the gradual downward slide, but just in the last 10 months things have got a lot worse. no WAY i could tell that over the phone.

seriously, your sibling 1 needs a wake up call and fast. i'd go so far as to say that if he still insists all is ok, that he needs to come over pronto and see for himself.

and finally, your db might be having a hard time with the failing health of his parents and be a bit head in sand. weirdly though he seems to think having poa will solve all and that makes me think it's because his business is on the rocks.

i personally think this is the toughest time for siblings. get through this still talking, and you have a fighting chance of continuing a relationship with your db for the rest of your life. it's this sort of thing that break up families and is very sad.

Wynken that is horrific and is happening to my sister and i too.

we have to get a lot more involved and dmum sometimes turns around and accuses us of gold-digging! we couldn't care less about her money. we have to remember that that's the dementia talking, not the person.

so so hard.

The SW had to tell me what Mum said about me and followed it up by saying to remember it isn't Mum talking but the Dementia. Very hard at the time though. I'm sorry you are going through it Eddie, it sucks.

We've now also got FIL on his own in Spain with all 4 of his children here. No POA in place for either UK or Spanish accounts. He's nearly 88, has Parkinson's, Diabetes and losing his sight. Had a fall a couple of weeks ago and his neighbour is basically looking after him. He won't come back though has just announced he will will give SIL all his money (not much really) if she will look after him. But she's not in the best of health, her DH is Ill and they are moving to a one bed flat so that won't happen and not fair to put that on her.

I nearly said to DH that he needed to push and try and get a POA set up at least for the UK stuff as a start but the nightmare of the POA etc for Mum just makes me keep my mouth shut.

I have to confess that I'm in two minds about contacting Sibling 1 at this stage and without seeking formal advice. From the sound of him, I think he's quite capable of phoning your DPs and, on the basis of a very forthright email/phone call from you, doing a 'You're not peeing in your pants are you Dad?' etc etc etc and working them up into complete denial.

These things can get terribly dirty when families, money and roiling emotions are involved and you have to remember that a formal LPA (on my understanding) likely needs a meeting with your DPs - which wouldn't be pleasant if they had been persuaded that you were a money-grabbing she-devil.

You'll know your brother best but I don't like the cut of his jib one bit. I think. on balance, I'd stll get professional advice urgently and in advance of speaking to him - if only so that you can be clear in your own mind what your parents' option are and what steps you need to take.

Awful situation for you, OP.

Thanks for all advice. I have been thinking and will speak to sibling 3 about either his wife being named as the other POA (advantage that as they live in the same house, it should speed up the process if anything needs to be signed, and I trust her absolutely - she's not an accountant, though, if sibling 1 wants to argue that's essential), or my cousin, who I think either sibling 1 or dparents suggested - who is an accountant and lives near sibling 3, so at least would be handy.

I have no reason to distrust my cousin, but equally no reason to think he'd agree to take on POA either, as it would be a lot of work and no benefit for him (he's not a beneficiary). I don't know my cousin very well - probably not met him more than 5 times in my life as his branch of the family think they're posher than us! but I'd rather he took on the role than sibling 1. And I'd now rather NOT have POA myself, as clearly sibling 1 is going to query any expenses, tell my dparents I'm filching their money/his inheritance etc - and neither I nor my parents need that hassle.

I hope that in practice, sibling 3 will do the work and the other named POA will do nothing (except pay a bill if he's on holiday, say). It's hard on sibling 3, but better as a solution than all of us being named as POA and sibling 1 using the POA to prop up his business, pay for business class flights from the US to the UK for him and his family to 'sort out dparents' affairs' etc, or sibling 2 booking dparents' inappropriate long-haul holidays.

Thank goodness everyone is happy for sibling 3 - who could not be more honest and responsible - to take over the real day-to-day work.

So it could be worse. I feel for those with no helpful siblings at all.