Siblings and disagreements over power of attorney

[topbanana1]

Aaargh - am one of 4 - eldest 2 siblings live in the US. Parents are elderly and need help with managing their affairs. 3rd sibling is an accountant and has very kindly and helpfully started (with my parents permission) to take over their financial and other admin, as they can't handle it.

He now needs a power of attorney to continue and it was always agreed it would be 3rd sibling and me (as we live in the UK). Now sibling 1 has been insisting he is involved - BUT he lives in the US. I know from practical experience of my dh having power of attorney for my in-laws that in practice you actually need to go into banks, produce proof of ID etc - this will all be impossible for the sibling who lives in the US. All it will do is ensure that sibling 2 - who IS actually doing the work, cannot act, as banks etc may not deal with him.

I don't care whether I am involved or not (well, am quite miffed that sibling 1 appears to have been telling my parents I should not do it - this is supposedly because I am not a trained accountant, which he is). I do care that sibling 3 can get on with paying all the bills etc that need paying - so far, he's been paying for things out of his own pocket, but that's not fair on him.

Anyone else have infuriating siblings??

cozietoesie - I'm more than happy for sibling 1 to be named as POA too, but he appears to have persuaded my parents I should not be named, 'because I'm not an accountant'.

Sbling 3, who is actually doing the work, does not want sibling 1 named, as it is going to massively slow down his job/make it harder, having to route everything through the US. But I accept that if that is what is needed, then so be it.

Sibling 3 is executor and has POA for my aunt, and has done it brilliantly - has been a lot of work for him. Her will left everything to me and sibling 3 (as the family members who bothered to see her, and as she knew we needed the money. This annoyed sibling 1 but in practice he will have nothing to feel annoyed about, as the care home fees will eat up all the cash. )

Wills exist for my parents. Only small issue is that we recently discovered I'm named on it by my married name - which is not my name as I never changed my name on marriage. Don't know if this matters.

But you're right that the problem is family relationships - sibling 1 is v competitive and I think jealous because he had the only, adored grandchild till I gave birth. We now have 3 and I think he feels his ds is regarded as less important now. Which is silly, as of course dparents love all their children and grandchildren.

At least that's my guess. Don't really understand it.

New poa forms are very straightforward. If you set up a new one you can also agree, if your parents are happy, that you can act severally. This means that the us sibling can have poa but the uk sibling can act on his own. My sister and I both have poa for my mum and this is sensible as there is a back up if one of us not around but in practice I do all the admin because I am nearer and more organised. But this only works if everybody trusts everybody to act in your parents best interests.

notsuch having someone nominated as POA is different from handing over control of your finances to them - it is only brought into force when it is needed. So my dm & df had POA lodged with their lawyer. It meant that as soon as my Dad was ill and in hospital, we could act on his behalf.

This is something that ALL of us should do - whatever age. My friend had a stroke age 50 and her husband had a hell of a job getting access to any of the financial information and accounts that he needed. Whatever age - you should have a will and also some POA provision.

However, all of that worked well for us because my d-siblings and I were in agreement about the decisions.

OP, with my parents POA my dsis and I were named - this was because we were both in UK, and both of us were named so that if one of us were away on holiday the other could act. You are correct that we (or one of us) had to go to the bank with documents to enact the POA - is your sibling 1 planning to travel from US (at their own expense) every time this is required?

I would do as was suggested above by a PP and go to a specialist solicitor. (I would assume that available funds would cover that cost.) You need to start paying bills right away and to be in a position to organize your parents' and aunt's health and welfare position when needed.

I'm afraid that I see little or no chance of sorting the family relationships now given where you all are. Matters have been going on for too long and will now be polarized.

I wouldn't wish to see you in a Dombey & Son situation, but I think you just need to take legal advice and deal with all the technicalities as quickly and cleanly as you can.

The very best of luck to you and your other sibling who is involved here in the UK.

ime siblings go weird at the thought of parents' demise . i am going through this too, with my mum, but at least we are not meddling in what has been already set up for poa.

i personally would give your db a call and find out what's going on. why doesn't he want you named given that you're helping your parents on a practical level all the time? maybe he's not aware of the extent to which you've been helping out. has he always been a bit of a twat?

my db goes into massive ignoring me phases every time something bad happens in the family. he won't speak to me for years each time, but still acts like the head of the family. so infuriating. but now i see the pattern it doesn't affect me quite so much.

Thanks, Foodylicious and florencedombey - very helpful.

I think the problem is - sorry not been clear - that my parents signed the original forms and had them witnessed BUT I and my brother didn't, as we didn't realise we had to. Also, my dparents put my married name down - which is not my legal name, as I said.

So not really useable.

Some good advice here, though - to get solicitor/social worker to advise impartially. I do feel like sibling 1 is bullying my parents slightly. I know his business has failed so am a bit concerned in case motives not entirely unselfish, though I hope this is unjustified.

I hadn't heard of Solicitors for the Elderly - sounds perfect. Can you tell me any more, florencedombey?

Oh right, if you and your sibling didn't sign the forms then they won't be valid. What a shame.

STEP and SFE are professi

Sorry - on phone.

STEP and SFE are professional bodies for solicitors specialising in this kind of work. Both have websites with search facilities to enable you to locate a specialist solicitor near to you. I'd suggest you look at both and draw up a shortlist of likely looking lawyers. Then phone them up with an initial enquiry and see who you think your DPs would get on with best.

As somebody else said earlier , if new powers of attorney are needed, then it's your parents' choice as to who they appoint. The solicitor will probably want to see them without you or your siblings present so they can be sure that the decision is being made by your DPs and not by anyone else.

I think that your main problem is that with elderly and frail parents, you want things to be done as gently and quietly as possible. At their age, they don't need to feel that they're sitting on a boiling family caudron of trouble - and your sibling 1 does sound as if he's capable of hectoring them on the matter. I'd get legal advice - maybe florencedombey will advise. (I just noted her user name!)

Oh and make sure the solicitor knows to use your maiden name as having the wrong name could cause problems in the future!

Cozie I assumed you mentioned Dombey and Son because of my name!

eddielizard - sounds just like sibling 1.

Nice to see someone else gets what it's like. And yes, sibling 2 has been acting v weird recently as parents getting older - he has said it upsets him but I'm much more matter-of-fact about it. He keeps running away every time they need support - he booked them an inappropriate holiday against all our advice and my dm's wishes, which is why I really don't want him to have POA!

Aaagh - why can't siblings behave normally? Esp at times of family stress, when it is important to all pull together.

Nope.

Unfortunately, it's at times of family problems that all the little stresses and fractures can often shatter the thing. Your problem is that you're not mistress of your own destiny here - you're constrained by wanting your parents and aunt to go as well as possible. (I've been there.)

PS - we is well read in this house.

florencedombey - do you think it would be a problem that my married ie non-legal- name is on the wills?

Do they need to be re-written too?

Because that would also open another huge can of worms. A few years back dparents wanted to rewrite wills to include dgc's, and sibling 1 persuaded them not to 'because it wouldn't be fair, because we - ie me and my dcs - would get more'. Even though his family would get exactly the same share - 4 siblings and 4 dgc's! I left well alone and told my dm she should do whatever she wanted with her money and I didn't want to discuss it!

And florencedombey - you're not a solicitor in the London area by any chance?!

Sorry to butt in on your thread, topbanana - hope things get sorted for you.
florencedombey or Foodylicious I posted a question regarding Power of Attorney in the Legal Matters section yesterday, but no one's got back to me.
Would really appreciate it if you could take a look if you have a minute?
Again, apologies, topbanana

Sorry not in London and I wouldn't want to out myself on here anyway.

The name on the will bring wr

wrong is probably not an insurmountable problem so long as you could prove to the solicitors that you were the person referred to. If your DPs are able to sign codicil a now stating your correct name, then that 'd be a good idea, but it's not crucial.

I would get sibling 3 to speak to sibling 1 and to your parents and say "Don't be so bloody ridiculous, having a POA not resident in the UK and thousands of miles away is a nightmare. Either I do it by myself or with topbanana but I'm not having the hassle with someone not resident in the UK nor around reliably to help"

At the end of the day sibling 1 doesn't have your dp's best interests at heart and it sounds as though whatever happens long term he'll have a chip on his shoulder. He could possibly not agree to them going into a care home because it will reduce his inheritance???

I think sibling 1 will fall out with you all so I'd get on and do what is best for your dps despite him. Sorry to be harsh but I think sibling 1 has already shown his true colours over the will!!!!

POA for money affairs requires that proper accounts are kept so US sib can see those and be assured that nothing dodgy is going on. You can both be named as POA severally so you do not have to act "all together".
If one cannot act (e.g. car crash with parents) then another can.
Get legal advice from Aged Concern or CAB. This is important for all of you.

there are 4 of us who have POA for my Mil but in practice only my SIL actually deals with her finances as she lives round the corner. We live several hundred miles away. We are never consulted on any minor financial details, and thats fine, for major issues (several weeks respite costing £1000s) we are, but still only approve as Sil has all the burden.
What does your sibling think he's going to do with Poa in America when she needs £30 for the hairdresser ad the window cleaner needs a chq for £15.00 today?

It sounds to me as if he'd be quite happy as long as someone else is paying for them - which is what's happening at the moment as far as I can see. As a PP said, he doesn't appear to have their best interests at heart.

Lega advice as soon as posible is indicated, I think. The longer the situation is left seemingly unresolved, the more hectoring phone calls he can make to the parents.

Thanks - agree I'm not sure he has their best interests at heart.

Sibling 3 and I are trying hard to persuade siblings 1 and 2 that dparents need extra support NOW - as we have both been advised by very concerned social workers and dparents' friends. But siblings 1 and 2 (both abroad) say 'I spoke to them on the phone and they sounded fine'.

Very frustrating. Dparents are in denial about needing help and refuse permission to social workers to get them more support - but they need their dcs to encourage them to do this, as currently, they are forgetting to take medication, forgetting to eat, don't/can't wash, forget to change clothes despite incontinence. Sibling 3 and I do what we can but both live over an hour away, work full-time and I have 3 dcs of my own to look after so can't just move in and take on full-time caring role myself.

Just very frustrating, but really appreciate all the advice.

Was wondering if I was over-reacting about sibling 1's behaviour and if it is in fact 'normal' to be highly suspicious of the siblings your dparents have chosen to be POA, or to try to take on this role whilst living abroad, so am relieved to discovered IANBU.

May try to phone sibling 1 - not looking forward to it, but better than a game of Chinese Whispers with my dparents getting more upset in the middle of it. :(