Please offer me some perspective.

[Missda]

This is my first post.
Recently my OH proposed to me, my mum and dad were both pleased and they offered to pay for the wedding, we are both extremely grateful as it does mean we can marry next year as opposed to in two or three years time. ( which is what we would have done had we payed for it ourselves.)

However I am finding my Mum hard work as she wants what she wants and is arranging things without asking me or OH what we think.

She also uses the phrase Oh well as I am paying for the wedding so we can't look at this location because I don't like it there ect same for possible invitations, car etc.

We do have a budget and I am being careful and we are shopping around lots.

She keeps also sending emails to people saying how sick she is of wedding planning which I find hard to believe as she brings up weddings continually.

I feel suffocated. And I don't quite know what to do without coming off as ungrateful.

So as not to drip feed incidentally am buying a house which my parents have given us 8000 towards. This was money which they have given to me and my brothers towards our first homes. I have offered to pay the this money back however Dad just said no.

There really is only one way to deal with this. Say thank you very much for the kind offer, you understand that paying means your Mum wants a level of control you are not happy with and you would rather save yourselves so that you can have the day that you want.

Otherwise, if you want the money then that is price you pay.

The money clearly comes with strings so you have a choice to make. Accept the strings or decline the money.
I'd choose to decline the money and make my own way in order to avoid being controlled.

I would turn down the money and do it my way if it were me. Weddings do not have to cost a lot of money!

Elope!!!

I would honestly pay for the wedding yourself and have what you want. Tell your Mum is she wants to invite extra she will need to pay for their meal at £x per head.

I would say that you've decided to wait to get married as you both feel that the weeding is a project you'd like to do independently together as preparation for the rest of your lives together and helping to form your own ways towards compromise and cooperation and thus make your marriage stronger as a result.

That way, you can put it to them that you want all the decisions to be yours alone without interference and supposedly as a means for strengthening your marriage, rather than as a criticism of your mum. You can then gracefully either accept money without her 'help' to organise or just get marriages when you can independently afford it.

With our family, we basically paid for the wedding but they specified certain items they wanted to pay for so we told them that once we'd made a decision on what we wanted we'd tell them.

I cannot imagine how unbearable this is going to be by the time of the wedding - next year, you say?

It's not sustainable. I think you either go with previous posters' suggestions of delaying until you can pay for it, or do it right now, on the super-cheap, so that it's done. Either way you will be controlled whilst she controls the purse strings.

My mum was an absolute pain about my wedding, she used to phone me at work and give me a hard time about anything eg photographers, flowers. As usual, the guests were her friends, the whole event was staged the way she wanted. She (ie my dad) paid.
When my daughter married, I paid and she did all the arranging. We still managed to fall out many times.

Options:
Tell your mum to be off, and be off with her money. Do the wedding yourself later.
Tell your mum she can pay up but she has to leave all the arrangements to you.
Put up and shut up, and end up with a wedding you can hardly bear to think about.

Which of the above has most appeal?

the weeding is a project you'd like to do independently together
Can't tell you how much I wish I had someone to do the weeding with...

It's a long time ago since we got married, we paid for everything ourselves as we (I) didn't want anyone else having a say in what we did. It was our day and we had exactly what we wanted.

Tell them your very grateful for them offering to pay for it but you want the wedding that YOU want. If they continue to force you into having the wedding that THEY want then cancel the wedding and pay for it yourselves and do it a few years later.

There's enough stress involved in sorting a wedding you don't need to be bullied into having a wedding you don't want!

I paid for our wedding and we did it our way. It was fantastic and everyone had the best time ever!

Best wedding I ever went to was a pot luck in the local hall. Guests helped to decorate it (approximately) and brought a dish of food on the day in lieu of a present. A great time was had by everyone and the whole event can't have cost the bridegroom more than a few hundred quid. For licences etc.

(And if she's like this now, can you imagine what she'll be like in 2015? You'll have to start a whole new MotherZilla of the Bride in AIBU by that time!)

I'd elope, myself. (Or plan something very low key and pay for it yourself.)

*bride and groom

Difficult this one because your Mother is possibly so excited that she may not realise what she is doing to you. You have brothers so this is her one chance to be Mother of the bride. She does not sound like a bad Mother but she is getting carried away. And she never will stop If you don't tell her. But how you tell her is crucial , as you know she loves you.
I am also a strong willed opinionated Mother and don't always realise how controlling I am. Believe me It is very hard to view your children as grown ups. I paid for and organised my daughters wedding and she told me to back off as I was overdoing it. She picked everything in the end and I thought it would be an awful wedding and it was actually wonderful. I needed to trust her and view her as a grown up with her own taste and ideas. ( very hard for most Mums)
If you can approach her in a a certain way I am sure that she would back off. Could you ask her to imagine her own Mother organising her wedding and not consulting her thoroughly and how that would have made her feel.? Also if you could keep to 'I' when you are talking to her instead of you. As in ' you are driving me mad ' after all she is willing to come up with the money and is thrilled that you are getting married.
Moaning about the work involved probably means that she is lacking in self esteem and wants recognition and probably hasn't really got enough to occupy her life. I know I moaned for that reason. I loved it when they thanked me for my efforts at the wedding though.
If you say to her gently that you and your partner are very very grateful for the offer to pay but you want to have the wedding of 'your dreams ' and not her dreams , then I am sure that she will stop and think. Tell her you love her as well. At least give her the chance to understand how you feel. Otherwise if you go ahead and stay silent it is going to make you unhappy and resentful. She may cry a bit when you tell her but any Mum worth their salt will stop.
I have given my children houses, cars etc and they are nice children but it was my entirely my choice and I know I can't expect them to be grateful ( bugger, I wish they would be more grovelingly grateful, just kidding! ) and once the money left my purse it became theirs. Your Mum is also making the choice to pay. You did not ask her to , so you do not need to feel guilty about sticking up for yourself. If you don't say something now it will get harder, she will be moving in on your marriage and subsequently any babies, next! Mmmm

Honestly I'd thank them and decline the money. Then I would get married in a registry office and not tell anyone. Have a little meal just you and DP and maybe a weekend away? And then in 2-3 years when you've saved up renew your vows and have the big party with the dress and do it your way.

I had a very small wedding (10 people) and went to the pub after the registry office and it was probably one of the best decisions we've ever made.

Thanks all for the advice. Have spoken very gently to Mum I think she was just getting excited and carried away. Had I been tough on her then I know she would have been very hurt. Basically I really don't want that. I know I am lucky and have told her that too.

That said if she does revert back to how she can be I will tell her more forcefully.

To Mojito madness I thought your reply was very cruel. Your dear Mother, who went through labour to get you, and loves you more than anyone is being treated very harshly. I would die for my children and if they thought of treating me like you propose missda treats her own Mother I would be devastated. Yes there is no doubt that some Mothers are toxic but most are just trying to do the best they can for their children. Your reply reflects your youth and is very selfish. When and if you have a child of your own and she does what you did to you, then perhaps you may realise how cruel you have been. It may be too late then as your Mother may be dead. You can't apologise to a dead person and you can't bring them back. Everyone sees the world through their own eyes, and generally if you listen to where they are coming from some common ground can be found where you can meet with understanding. There are unfortunately always two sides to every story. When I read the stuff on Mumnet I am saddened by the vitriol and lack of human sympathy towards one another.

toyoungtodie you are slightly scary. I went through labour for my daughter, my choice, she owes me nothing.
We don't all just see the world through our own eyes, some of us try to see it through other people's as well.
OP, you sound very kind, and a good daughter. Let's hope your mother has the sense to back off a bit.

I personally think the op has chosen a good in between step. And Chaseface - it did make me laugh at you saying she has created a dynamic where its easy for her mother to act erhhh like her mother. Its not childlike to accept help from your parents its young adult like and personally I want my kids to benefit from my money now as young people when they need it rather than in 30/40 years when they should be well established. It is possible to gift without strings, it is possible to 'parent' young adults with wisdom and guide with out bulling or dictating. Hopefully the op has enough social skills to help her Mother realise this.

Life is not always quite as black and white as this relationship board can paint it . I do reserve abuse from this statement !

OP, I'm glad you've managed to sort it out with your mum, I hope it goes the way you want it too.

toyoungtodie Eh? When and if I have a child of my own? I've got 3 children. I'm neither young (I wish) nor selfish (I wish I had the pleasure of being). What did I do to my mother? My mother was at my wedding! Although she decided she couldn't possibly come to the pub afterwards as my dad was going to be there (they were recently divorced) and I hadn't invited her boyfriend to my tiny wedding. I didn't invite him because they had barely been together for 5 minutes and I thought it would have been disrespectful and uncomfortable for my dad. She then went home and cried tears to everyone who would listen about her dreadful daughter who wouldn't cancel her wedding meal because her poor mother was so upset. Most people were .

That is just one minor example of my Narcissistic mother's behaviour. Thankfully after years and years of crap from her I am no longer in contact with her. In fact toyoungtodie you sound a lot like her, are you her?

One of my cousins and his fiance split up over both mothers interfering too much in the wedding plans. After things cooled down they began seeing each other in secret and planned their own very small cheap wedding just the two of them with no interferance. I too had a very small private wedding with less than 10 guests. Weddings too often get way out of hand these days.

Parents are quite odd and you do need to use some kind of reverse psychology. My parents also did the right thing too by us children by offering to give us a deposit for a home, so that we do focus on then having a home. So this was fair. But as for the wedding, can you not maybe tell her directly "no" and stand up for yourself, or at least negotiate and ask for her opinion as to why she wanted it that way ? Doing this can then allow you to get an understanding from her whether she also kind of wanted it to be elaborate in a way which she is also proud of too ? My mom wanted certain things so that she can invite her dear friends in a kind of "show off" way. So normally if you play it by the ear, and asks why she wanted certain things, whether it is because of budget, or whether it is easier to invite some of her guests etc.