The single life

[OneAprilDay]

Apologies for the long post, I just wanted some advice. I have nobody to talk to in my life, I feel so isolated. I wish I had friends to pour my heart out to but I don't, so I am going round and round in circles without coming to any conclusion. I split from my partner after months of arguments and don't know how (or if I should) move on. I am currently living with my parents and will be for a while yet, at least until I go back to work after ML and see what is happening with my hours.

When my ex and I get on it is fine, neither of us has fully given up on the relationship really even though it seemed final. He keeps asking me to go home, and I can't imagine not eventually going back. But, I get overwhelmed at the idea. I had a very difficult first few months with my baby who wasn't feeding properly or gaining weight. He cried non stop, there were days when I just couldn't put him down and it was so hard to cope with. I had a lot of help I admit with the house, but things are a lot easier with the baby now.

My ex has never accepted how hard I have found things. He thinks I should cope because, in his words, 'everybody else manages'. I'm sure lots of people do, but lots struggle as well. We had a big argument about my possibly going back because I was trying to express my anxiety to him and he said I never would because I have it easy, my parents do too much for me and said they said as much to him. My parents are very loving grandparents who like to hold him, feed him etc. but they are busy people, often out all day, I do the vast majority of the childcare which they themselves have told my ex but he won't accept this. They also dispute ever saying they do too much, when he brought this up they were shocked. My dad said my ex came to the house and accused them of helping too much and he told my ex how much I did, and that my parents wished they could help more. I believe my parents not him. I know they would never talk like that about any of their children. I'm not sure that he is being malicious, but he has got things twisted.

I feel so despondent about it all, but mainly the kind of life my son is going to have. I have wonderful support from my parents and I realise how lucky I am but it is making me miserable. We wanted children for years before we had our son, we used to talk about all the things we would do, the places we would go and know he will only get this with his dad. I can't afford a place of my own, I have nothing to offer him.

Also, although I wouldn't be interested in meeting anybody else anytime soon, I know I never will and it makes me so sad for the future. I was single for years before this relationship and struggle to let people in. The reality is it will be me and my son, it makes me so sad to think of never being with anybody else and never having more children.

I raised a son by myself (never married). It is hard, exhausting and overwhelming - not going to lie about it. You have to pace yourself and prioritize what's important and what's not and let those unimportant things go.

I ran with a circle of other professional single moms with babies - some became very focused on finding a new man and others (like me) didn't seek out a man at all. The ones who wanted to find a new man, did. They were very goal oriented in that quest (some using online dating). They married and had more kids. You can surely do that if you want.

Ok, there are 3 different problems here:

1. you are at your parents because you are finding it to cope.
2. you acknowledge that your relationship is not over and you can't see not coming back and neither does he.
3. you are getting depressed at the thought of not finding anyone else.

IMO your partner is right, you might be finding it difficult to cope but that doesn't mean you need to move to your parents. That can have life changing consequences for you, your family and above all your child because by living away from his father you are weakening the links your child will have with his dad and not allowing them to bond together.

Sorry for being hard but, if you are struggling, it may be postnatal depression, you need to talk to the doctor and get some help, for your sake, the one of your baby and your marriage.

Your parents can continue to be as supportive as they want while you are in your own house, with your husband and your son. I am surprised that they have not noticed that by allowing you to move back to their house they are risking your marriage and the future of your child.

I wouldn't be telling you this if you had said your relationship is over or that you don't want to go back to him ever again. But as you said that both o f you would like to be together again later down the line, I suggest you both start addressing the issues, ie. through marriage counselling, dealing with any possible post natal depression, etc. rather than hang in there, until the relationship is damaged beyond repair.

Totally disagree with the above, I think your partner sounds like an unsupportive knob and it has probably been instrumental in bringing you down to your current low. If you were struggling with a difficult newborn his energy should have been going towards helping you, not seeking to "prove" to you that you somehow shouldn't be struggling, or have too much help. What does that even mean anyway?

When life is tough it's fine - wise even - to lean on others. Use your parents' supportiveness to seek help for possible PND, because that really sounds a lot like what you have got. Ignore your DP for now - no need to take any big relationship decisions, but his views are simply less important than yours if he is not being supportive at this critical time. Try not to grapple with the big future questions - focus on getting you and your DS into a more positive place by the end of the summer.

OP, perhaps your partner could have the baby at weekends all to himself and see just how easy it is.

I am not finding it hard to cope now, although I was for the first ten weeks or so. He wasn't feeding properly, I was trying to pump and top up between feeds but there was no 'between' it was a constant round of feed-scream-feed. But now we are in a routine and it is so much easier. I would get frustrated with him because he is messy and thoughtless. For example if he changes the baby he leaves dirty nappies and clothes scattered, I was constantly emptying and loading washers and driers because it never occurred to him. He just seems to think it is my job. I would sit there all evening holding the baby while he pottered. He never took a turn, he says I only had to ask but although these things seem petty it really got to me.

It is the house I am more worried about. This will out me but he basically chose the house. I saw it once (in the fog of the early weeks) and said it was nice but unsuitable but he bought that one. I find it hard to get out, it is impractical with the pram. There is a drive way, steep steps then a curved path to the door. The house is out of sight from the drive. So I have to take the pram down, leave it then go back for baby. It is not near shops and with no transport to baby groups and things as I don't drive and we could only run one car anyway. He feels entitled about the house because his parents more or less bought it outright fir him, he has a small mortgage. We're not married so I have no claim on it. He persists on calling it his house.

As for my parents, they are unfailingly supportive. They want the best for us, I don't think it was the best to stay living there with such an awful atmosphere. My ex was coming every day to see the baby which I know is not the same as living together but after a nasty confrontation where he shouted and swore at my dad calling him a liar he has decided he will only cone to collect the baby.

That's the thing hookedonchoc he has never looked after him for any length of time. If he ever did he was always coming and asking where things were or what to do. When he takes him out now he goes to his mum's with him.

My mum said how she used to struggle with my siblings when they were young and he turned this round to say my mum coped with more than one! It is not what she meant at all, she was nit having a dig at me.

I want so much to give my son the life we planned, but he doesn't seem willing to try, he just says things will be easier when our son is walking so I can take the pram and my son can walk down. I feel crushing guilt that I am keeping them apart especially when he is only seeing him twice a week. I couldn't bear it, he says he will not visit the house, I would do anything to spend time with my son in his position.

Your ex doesn't sound great to me. I think it's no wonder you're struggling to see your way clear to ending the relationship once and for all, because you have an awful lot going on at the moment, but I really think you should work towards accepting that it's over and, crucially, seeing that as a positive thing. I know it's trite and easy to say, but you really cannot know for certain that you'll never meet anyone else.

Ok, so maybe you won't: but that doesn't necessarily mean that your future will be bleak and awful. Whereas a future with the man you've described strikes me as a very bleak prospect indeed. I think the stuff he's said to you about "everyone else coping" is really unpleasant, unnecessary, unhelpful and minimising. And then going to your parents' place to accuse them of helping you too much (bizarre in its own right) and then telling you your parents had criticised your parenting... He sounds pretty awful, based on what you've said. Couldn't he have channelled all that effort and energy into listening to you and trying to support you instead?

Don't make a decision based on fear of being alone. Being alone is not easy but it IS easier than being in a substandard relationship. Going back is not inevitable. You get to make a choice here. Don't let him push you into doing something that you don't really want.

Totally agree with WhistleTop. Obviously have never met your ex but the accusations, outright lies and things being everyone's fault but his sound very difficult to cope with. It is no surprise you get "overwhelmed at the idea" of going back to live with him in an un-child-friendly and isolated house to which he has made clear you have no claim on.

You are not a bad person for choosing not to live with someone. It doesn't matter if they fathered your child - your mental health is very important to your child's welfare and living with someone who belittles you, lies and makes you miserable is not good for anyone. He will still be ds's father. You will still be his mother. Doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to 18+ years of living with someone who makes you unhappy. Your ds will not thank you for it or be grateful that you martyred yourself on the altar of motherhood.

So if you are going to go back to this man and his house, please be clear that it is because you genuinely want to. Don't do it because it fits with your idea of how it was meant to go. Presumably he was meant to be a supportive husband and father. Look at how things are and decide what you want your future to be.

I'm sure far wiser heads than mine will be along to advise.

He is not a terrible person usually, a bit thoughtless and careless maybe, but this situation has brought out the worst in him. He is insisting that he did not lie about what my parents said, but I know it would be totally uncharacteristic for them to say anything like that. My parents and I had a heart to heart, which is unlike me as I normally bottle everything up. They are supportive of me going back to him if that is what I want, but only if I want to be with him, not because it feel like I need to get out from under their feet or because I am ashamed I couldn't make things work and scared for the future.

It is entirely possible that your parents did say something in admitting that they do a lot for you, and are happy to do so (perhaps in an effort to shame him into feeling he should have done more), that he interpretted as them saying they do too much for you.

If he is not prone to being an out and out liar, could this be a case of 'there are as many sides to a story as there are people telling it', do you think?

You say you struggled in the early weeks. It sounds like he struggled too.

I wouldn't go back for the sake of the life you thought you wanted, but it might be worth having a proper conversation with him. If that isn't possible, then you definitely have your answer.

I think that's what it is FolkGirl. My dad says he said 'we can't do too much for her' (as in they are happy to help), my ex has turned this to 'we do too much for her' but he admits this is what he said. He is not a liar, he is adamant my dad has made a liar of him and shown him up. They definitely do feel he needs to support me more. In the early days a couple of times he went to make a meal for himself and didn't offer me anything and my dad was aghast.

I think the women in my family get more help than the women in his that is for sure. He always said he wouldn't be like his family so I wasn't expecting it. We both struggled by on very little sleep for almost 3 months, it pushed us to the edge. It was such a relief when he started to sleep well. But there is still a residual bitterness of who did more, of him leaving me to cope.

It is all such a mess, I just want somebody to tell me what to do, though I know it's impossible. I have only just very recently even imagined a life without him, just me and my son, I just don't know if it's the right move. I can't bear the thought of us arguing, of our son picking up an atmosphere, of him being unhappy and anxious. There has to be a sea change. I won't mess him up like that he doesn't deserve it.

He feels entitled about the house because his parents more or less bought it outright fir him, he has a small mortgage. We're not married so I have no claim on it. He persists on calling it his house

Id say this is 'the elephant in the room' in terms of immediate practical/financial matters and says a lot about who he is as a man. He should man up to his responsibilities. The fact you have a child together surely does give you a financial claim and if he has that as his major asset, then thats the source of finance for your DC.

As a priority, I would definitely get legal advice to know where you stand on this, and I wouldn't let him know until you know the facts

I really don't have any claim on it. I signed a legal document to say if we parted or if he defaulted on the mortgage I would leave without contest. In his defence he did want me to have my name on the mortgage and/or deeds but it felt too humiliating to me. I wasn't contributing properly financially whilst on maternity leave so didn't want any part of it. Also, I have a strained relationship with his family and didn't want to feel I owed them anything.

He always says the house is for our son, it is some form of financial security for him in the future. That is great, but I have no security and I feel very vulnerable. I will never be in a position to own a house or contribute half the value. Even if he sold and we bought somewhere else I couldn't match what he has put in.

He made a meal for himself and not you when you had a newborn? Dear god woman that's not even a good friend or housemate never mind partner!

You sound so very tired and down, understandably so. Your ex really sounds like an abusive type. Hearing you speak of him and your interactions made me shudder with revulsion.

I think whatever you decide to do with your life it would probably be loads better without him in it. I find it a bit scary that you can't imagine not going back to him when it sounds like your survival depended on the leaving.

Your parents sound fantastic and awesome! I love them already ... yeah, stay with them, listen to them ... they will guide you for the future.

He is not all bad though, there are two sides to every story. His side would be I have taken his son away, he said to me the other day 'I have been out of his life more than in it' . I know I sound like I am sticking up for him but up until this extremely stressful time he had never been abusive towards me, I was never scared of him.

A lot of this behaviour has came about because he is frustrated. He wants more than anything for us to be together as a family. I keep backing out at the last minute, because I know that he will help at first, and remember to tidy up after himself etc. but then he slides back. It is a small thing but I see it as thoughtlessness and it annoys me.

He is kind and loyal, makes me laugh, I trust him implicitly which is important to me. But we were both shell shocked to some degree with a baby who wasn't sleeping, who cried all day, who we were worried sick about. I probably pushed him away. My biggest complaint about him is that he is thoughtless, he insists he doesn't do any of it on purpose and he just 'forgets'. It was a joke amongst our families amongst all the chaos of a newborn that he never missed a meal.

tipsytrifle they really are. I know I will always have a place to go and it is lovely. I was in bits about letting my son down, and they said they will help, I can work and they will look after him, when he is older I can think about a better job. I hope I can be like them with my son.

He is a selfish prick with no empathy. Please don't go back to this man until you have complete faith that he will listen to you, acknowledge your feelings and prove his determination to build a joint family life. Better yet don't go back at all.

For the record the first few months with DS I thought my life was over and that was with a supportive DH at my side.

What's "kind" about cooking for himself and not you? What's "kind" about sneering at a new mother struggling to feed her baby? What's "kind" about trying to drive a wedge between a woman and her supportive parents by (deliberately?) misinterpreting their words?

Babies don't sleep all night in the first few weeks. Well, a few do, but the majority don't get it together for at least three months, often longer, and it is very tiring indeed (my four slept all night from nine months, six weeks, six months and six years respectively!). Some babies latch on immediately and completely get the hang of feeding from the first minute of life; many don't, and it's nothing to do with how capable their mother is. I rather think your ex is saying what he wants to believe, rather than what he has any reason to know. Your mother, on the other hand, has actually brought up children and she confirms it is indeed hard in the early weeks. Rewarding, of course, totally worth it in the end, but nevertheless, not a breeze by any means!

I visited DS1, DIL and 6-month-old DGS yesterday. DS1 works full time, DIL is on maternity leave for another month. When they were both out at work they shared all the chores fairly; now one of them has temporarily swapped earning for childcare as a day job they still share the chores fairly. DS1 adores the baby and can't get enough time with him, not just the playing but the feeding, mopping up, changing, comforting and if only he had the boobs for it he'd surely breast feed too! He also loves his wife and realises that she needs support and nurturing at this time. He knows she is not lazy so if there is slack that needs picking up he knows whose job it is: it is his . So he just does it. And the reward is a lovely bond with his son. Loving your baby does not mean whining because it's not brought to you to inspect at regular intervals.

IMO there can only be a future for you and your exp if he takes his head out of his arse and mucks in like a proper father and partner. Otherwise you've effectively got a second child to look after, even if the big ugly one also brings in money (the least he can do IMO).

I have no doubt he loves his son and they have a lovely bond, I am frightened they will lose this because of me. The baby just lights up whenever he walks in the room and it's so sad to see. They should get to see each other when they wake up, at night before bed but I am making it impossible.

He does help with the baby Annie, not just the lovely cuddly bits but night wakings, changing etc. he just leaves a tornado of crap wherever he goes for me to tidy, which isn't really 'helping' me. He used to take him for hours and watch films with the baby sleeping on his shoulder so I could sleep, he plays with him, gets him dressed etc. the thing is I have to ask for a break sometimes when I feel like occasionally he should just take the initiative.

He was here today and my baby just wanted his dad. He cried whenever somebody else held him. I can't help but feel he misses him. It was meant to be a temporary move, I was meant to go back at first and my partner spent loads of time here. As our relationship deteriorated it tailed off because he felt uncomfortable. We argue now because of it were me I wouldn't let anything stand in the way. I would spend time with my son no matter what, we just go round in circles arguing this point though.