When does a supporting role turn into an enabling role?

[enablingwife]

Name changer - Mar's Lemon Drizzle cake, etc.

Please help me as I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid it's very long but I think it's worth me giving the details.

DH is being bullied at work. His boss shouts and swears at him, doesn't let him take holiday and is totally vile. I ask DH why he doesn't stand up to him and he says he's tried but it just makes things worse. DH cries each Sunday night and dreads work. I've tried to be supportive have said he should walk out or try the official grievance route. He won't do either as he says it just shows how weak he is. It's a big national company but his manager is 'Golden Boy' and as long as he gets the results it doesn't matter how he treats people.

Therefore DH's confidence is zero. The atmosphere at home is awful. We (me and 3DC's) dread him coming home. He knows this so he says he's failure at work and at home and he might as well commit suicide as then we'll all be happier. The eldest DC is 16 and knows how to get under DH's skin so will say it'd be better if he left and how weak he is.

To complicate matters further I haven't been happy for years. I would be happier without DH but how can I do this to him when he says without the family he has nothing, feels he's about to have a nervous breakdown and threatens suicide (but says he's too weak to even do that).

I thought I was doing the right thing trying to support him. I've suggested we downsize to have more money so he could leave his job and give him a bit of breathing space, suggested a counsellor so he could learn coping techniques if he's going to stay in his job. My sister (the only person who knows what's happening) said she wonders if rather than supporting him I'm now enabling him to avoid making decisions about the future and that I should go through with splitting up and let him sink or swim.

That sounds so heartless but she's seeing what the situation is doing to me. The DCs also see far too much conflict - although DS1 definitely contributes to that.

I'm shaking writing this. I'm at a loss to know what to do. He can be kind and also a good dad but can I continue like this when I'm scared to answer the phone when he rings or pretend to be asleep because I can't cope with all this negativity.

Please please help.

You're in a very difficult situation and I understand and commend your sticking with him at such a difficult time. But your sister has a good point.

If he feels he's contemplating suicide & feels he may have a breakdown, then the first thing to do is take him to the doctor & get him referred for mental health treatment. It make be possible to get him signed off work for a bit while he has treatment, which would give him some breathing space. Secondly, I would insist, no question, that he has to change his job.

It may be that due to overwhelming stress, he's frozen in fright or flight mode, like an animal in the headlights, which is why he can't make any move to change his situation. He may feel like he literally can't move, can't see a way forward, and any option looks like even more stress.

Bottom line is he needs to leave his job asap. I don't think there's any point, given his state of mind, of trying to go the grievance route.

When I had a bully boss it helped me to read about bully bosses and their targets. There are entire books about the subject! Understanding the pattern of it helped me cope with it mentally. You'll also see the only solution is one of the two people needs to leave the job - usually the underling, but sometimes the bully boss gets fired in this day and age of anti-bullying. In other cases, the bully boss gets a new target and the pressure is off you.

Steps need to be made for your DH to get out of the there. Lower expenses. Apply for new jobs. (Course, it's hard to interview for new jobs when the bully boss doesn't let you out of their sight!)

I think your sister has a point although I think there are two issues which are influencing each other rather than it simply being you acting as enabler. The first is that his stress & depression are damaging the whole family including his relationship with you and 'doing nothing' can't be allowed to continue for his and everyone else's sake. The second is that you're unhappy in the relationship and I think he knows it. Rather like the work situation, however, he's gone for the 'doom scenario' rather than address it directly. Probably way too cynical to say that he's deliberately playing the pity card in order to keep you close but that does seem to be the net effect.

I suggest you take the suicide threats completely seriously therefore and not wait for him to make the medical appointments.

Thank you so much for responding. He thinks that if he goes to the doctors he will never work again as he will be unemployable when a prospective employer asks for medical info. He also won't go off sick because it is such a macho culture that nobody is allowed to be ill - never mind suffer from any mental health issues.

He does know that I'm unhappy but seems to be blaming that solely on the work situation.

I DO understand how awful things are for him and have tried to help but it's now got to the stage where we're all treading on eggshells and that can't be good for anyone.

as usual,Cogito has it spot on the button.

I mean what does "feels he is ABOUT to have a nervous breakdown, or "might" commit suicide mean"?

Like Cogito says, if he's really feeling this way, get the professionals/outsiders in.

Also, just from a practical point of view, if he's going to sue/take a grievance/time off for stress, having actual medical records will come in useful.

However unhappy he is, I suspect at some level he is AWARE that he is able to keep you in limbo/running round treading on eggshells with his course of (non) action.

You can help him, which of course you've been doing, but it comes across like he wants to manipulate the situation so everyone in your family - children included - has to show emotional solidarity by suffering at the same level he is. You have a responsibility to show compassion to the children AND to yourself, as well as him.

Oh, and I'm assuming he's turned down the counsellor, and any external, impartial, medical, advice, but instead is CHOOSING to (1) continue with the job, despite your practical suggestions and support and (2) put all the negativity on you?

Your sister made a good call there, it's like he wants to isolate you and set you up so you can't take a breather and think about leaving the relationship.