Dh ill, dd off uni with stress, dm very frail. Help!

[larry5]

My dh is about to start radiotherapy for prostate cancer - he isn't worried but I think I am doing the worrying for him. My dd is nearing the end of her second placement for a PGCE but has been having lots of problems with her mentor and ended up extremely stressed and the doctor has advised her to have 2 weeks off and she is now tired but not exhausted so is slightly better and my mother is increasingly frail and difficult to talk to as she is so deaf and depressed. But that leaves me trying to cope with all of them and feeling unable to talk to anyone about how I feel.

Is anyone else in the same position who can give me advice on how to cope. I normally manage ok but at the moment everything is getting me down.

That's certainly a lot of stressful stuff and I'm not surprised you're finding it tough to cope? Do you really have no-one to talk to or do you feel you have to keep it all private? No friends? Siblings that could help with DM?

I would pick your priorities and at this moment your DH going through cancer treatment woukd be top of the list. Your DD will be fine, she is young and has the chance to stand on her own two feet and take control of the situation with her studies.

What do you have to cope with re your DM, in terms of. Urden on your time and energies? Or is it just that you are upset by her increasing frailty? I can understand how it must feel for you, it can drag you down, but does it require your energy to actually do anything specific.

Just trying to say, keep looking at things in manageable bite size proportions, so it doesnt feel overwhelming.

Hugs

Oops I meant burden on your time.

My dm lives about 150 miles away and fortunately has other family around her but I do feel guilty because I am unable to visit as often as I should. I am going up this week for a couple of days before dh's treatment starts. I think the problem is that I am seen as a coper and put on a front and although we have lived here for 8 years and everyone is very friendly there is no one who I feel I could talk to and say exactly what I am feeling.

You can phone Samaritans or similar if you need a voice to talk to when things are getting too much. You don't have to be suicidal to call. We also have an organisation called Breathing Space, which is similar. Anything like that near you?

I think you need to be up front with the other family members near your DM to say that DH is having radiotherapy so you hope they understand you taking a step back wrt your DM's care for a while. I'm sure they'll understand.

Do open up to a friend. Most people assume you can cope until you put your hand up and say 'not coping'. I don't know how old you or your friends are are but once people get to 50-ish things like health problems and the challenges of elderly parents and adult DCs are a very common experience.

I am 62 but had dd when I was 40. I think that at the moment I feel stuck in the middle as everything seems to have come at the same time. Dd and I went out for a walk this afternoon and she does seem to be a bit better. At least the uni are taking her seriously.

I think part of the worry with dh is we are not yet sure when the radiotherapy will start but it should be within the next couple of weeks and because it has not started it is difficult to know how he will react to the treatment.

It is very helpful having MN to go to sometimes for a moan!

I do feel for you larry5 and we are going through similar (not that my husband is ill, but many around us seem to be).

You need to open up to someone and admit how hard you are finding things. Perhaps even your GP if you feel you cannot talk to friends or other family.

In our case my MIL is terminally ill and perhaps coming to the end now and my youngest daughter has PTSD brought about by bullying which occurred during her final year at primary school. The knock-on effects for both of those can hit the whole family, and as mum you feel you have to cope with it all (know the feeling). Sometimes though, you wonder if you are coping at all yourself. That is where my husband and I both are at the moment.

It is very tough on you larry, because you are the together person who copes, it means all the emotional burden fall onto you.

Please try to remember yourself, and your own health needs so that you dont become fatigued thru worry. There are limits to anyones strength. I do hope your DHs treatment continues well.

As others have said there are external organisations for practical support. And you will find a lot of emotional support here from people who do understand thru their own experiences and can empathise.

It may feel like things are falling apart and so fragile, things always seem so come in 3s don't they, but please stay calm and try to tackle things one step at a time. And I dobt think you should feel guilty about your DM, you are doing the best you can and dont need to be superwoman

just sending hugs and thinking you must be 45 - 65. its what we do.