Confused/scared by my feelings

[Santaclaws]

I'm scared I'm going to sabotage my relationship. It's the best one I've had in years but still very new. Met online, been seeing eachother 3 months. All very laid back together, get on well, laugh a lot. He's reliable, kind, consistent, at the moment I can't really fault him. But I'm thinking it's too good to be true, I can't be lucky, this doesn't happen to me!

The only thing that irks me slightly and I know it shouldn't is that he goes to the gym 4 times a week. Normally I don't mind that he keeps 2 evenings free for it and Saturday and Sunday mornings and actually I'm glad he actually does something apart from seeing me. It's just bothered me this weekend though for some reason. I think it's because I'm tired and both days instead of having a longer sleep he's got up and left me to go the gym. Am I wrong to be irked by this?

It's all the unknown things at the start of a new relationship. He's 48, never been married, no kids and I'm wondering if he's going to be very set in doing his own thing. I'm worrying I've sabotaged things because I had a little moan about it this morning saying I'm feeling tired because I'm woken up due to fitting in with his routine. I'm scared now what he may do. I had a previously emotionally abuse relationship and I would have been punished for saying that to my ex

I don't know what I want from replies, I just needed to get this out

I'd be quite happy he looked after himself to be honest....as long as he wasn't so hooked as to give up a weekend of gym mornings....to whisk me away for a weekend now and then

Enjoy

I know I'm being silly, I am pleased he looks after himself plus it's nice his life doesn't revolve around me totally. Think I'm just more angry at myself this morning for saying what I said because actually he's done nothing wrong. He's going to the gym, nipping home to get changed then coming back. I don't want to ruin things by acting clingy, I just would've liked a cuddle in bed and a longer sleep

Right or wrong, if you're irked, you're irked. You are entitled to feel however you feel. You don't have to rationalise it. What's more worrying is that you are 'scared now what he may do' just because you've raised an objection. It suggests either that your confidence is very low (likely after an abusive relationship) and you are overly worried about being dumped, or this new boyfriend intimidates you in some way.

Always be assertive, acknowledge your feelings and say out loud whatever you want to say. If someone rejects you for doing so, they are not worth bothering with.

Just laugh it off and say you woke a little grumpy....

I'm sure he won't bother he sounds nice....

He has his own life though try not to be clingy about these little things....would put me off if it kept happening.

Chill and enjoy rest of day

He definately isn't intimidating as a person but I guess I do feel a bit scared of always saying exactly what I feel as it's a new relationship and isn't everyone on their best behaviour including myself.

I can't put my finger on why I'm annoyed about him taking off to the gym both days and I'm probably being unreasonable. On the one hand I think I should apologise for being grumpy but on the other maybe I should just let it go as he now knows how I feel

Is this your first boyfriend since the abusive relationship?

DP does as you do and worries about being punished for saying stuff. (I'm getting a picture of her ex as a world-class weirdo, btw, some of the stuff he slung off about). He could maybe be a bit quieter leaving for the gym?

I still think you should say what you're feeling. IME the first few relationships after an abusive relationship are pretty throwaway. An opportunity to test-drive the new you, as it were. All the things you were too frightened to do previously - like speaking out when you are annoyed about something - try them out and take a few risks. You may lose a few boyfriends in the process or you may find the new assertiveness makes you wildly popular, but you'll emerge much stronger either way.

cogito I really think this guy is genuinely a nice guy. I often can't believe he treats me well. Actually he treats me as he should but to me it's fantastic. I looked at him last night and thought "your so normal" that's all I want a normal guy. I sent him the wrong way on the motorway a few weeks ago and was waiting for the onslaught and moods, but nothing just him saying " you don't need to keep saying sorry you didn't do it on purpose" and he laughed about it

Then, if he's a genuinely nice guy, saying 'I was a bit pissed off that you snuck off to the gym' (or whatever the original problem was) is probably going to result in a conversation rather than an argument.

Does he know anything about your previous bad experience?

He knows bits and pieces, it's very hard to explain that sort of abuse to someone who hasn't experienced it. People only seem to equate abuse with physical abuse. He has just said he doesn't know why I put up with it for so long, very hard to explain why to him. I think he saw a glimpse of how it affected me by what happened over the motorway incident and how worried I seemed

Oh and my sister has given him a bit of a run down on what my ex was like personality wise

Just my opinion from observing a friends EA relationship..

It always seemed to be all in; spending every second together, and then one of his 'punishments' was to withdraw.

Could you be seeing him going to the gym in this way?

I know near the end of the relationship she obsessed over his every action, terrified that him being 10minutes late meant the start of another bad time.

I also get your point at being annoyed at been woken earlier than you wanted, I love my sleep and have a OH who goes for early runs. The trick is to (a) not wake up fully,(b) get him to be quieter (c) he needs to wake you later with tea/coffee and breakfast if choice.

But seriously if he's a normal nice guy, he'll get it and it won't be a big issue.

What Vintagecake said. If you're annoyed about being woken, ask him to be quieter. If DP asked this of me, it'd be no problem. Not that she would, I am NINJA. I move without sound.