Advice on seeing children, please

[mrsericnorthmaniw1sh]

I left my husband last year, the divorce is going through and my solicitor is currently attempting to get the little I am entitled to from the house - my stbx set up agreements with his family years ago to ensure that if anything did go wrong I would get nothing. We have three children, my stbx will not commit to anything with regards seeing them, his work is irregular and there is not pattern - one of the reasons I wanted out - but it's starting to cause me problems now:( he will not commit to every Sunday/Saturday or even every other, it's as and when he has no work, I get an email or he tells me the beginning of each week if and when he can have the children the following weekend. Now it's annoying me, I can't organise anything for myself because I don't know if I will have the children or not if that makes sense? People will ask what I am doing and if we can organise anything and I can't - cause if ex doesn't have the children have to go back to people and pull out so I do nothing but wait around to see when and if I will have the children. I love my children to bits obviously and it's not their fault but how do I solve this? He refuses to commit because of work, but in turn I am letting him control me as he always used to, I am afraid of him still:(Any advice appreciated,thank you for reading:)

It sounds very difficult but your ex cannot be allowed to call all the shots like this, it sounds as though he is still trying to punish you for leaving.

Im sure other people will be along having had experience of dealing with difficult and controlling exes but can you just make your plans anyway as though he were not having the children rather than putting your life on hold til he makes up his mind what he is doing.
If his plans clash with yours then you need to tell him sorry but that does not suit us. Hopefully in time he will start planning ahead more but until then you should go ahead and make plans anyway. If he rocks up at the last minute expecting to see the kids - tough!

Are there any family or friends you can get to babysit so that you can get some time to yourself?

I have fantastic parents but because we live with them it's hard, I don't like to take the mickey! They also feel that the arrangement is rather one sided, trouble is I can't stand up to him:( sounds ridiculous I know but it's starting really upset me, I know he needs work etc but this is unfair on me and the children, I can't get on with my life and I the meantime he does as he pleases:( thank you for your reply

I agree with mescaline.

The next Time you are invited out arrange a babysitter.

Do not rely on your ex he simply cannot carry on line this, you are correct it isa form of control and now he no longer has any say in your life.

If he kicks up a stink saying he wants the kids then your response should be I am making plans, either you commit to access in advance( and give him a limit) eg 2 weeks, or I will go ahead with my plans regardless.

If it helps I would restrict contact to email only and then make it clear you will only discuss the essentials such as child are.

He now needs to acknowledge that you are not his servant andchildcare provider.

I have and am still going through this so I know how shit it is .

I have spent literally months ranting about the very same thing to my friends/ family/ solicitor.

Under no circumstances allow him to dictate the situation.

Make sure you go out.

Plan your life and dcs life without him as he cannot be relied upon and prepare for him to be as unreasonable as possible.

You can manage without him.

Plan lots of things to do with your da and then permit yourself to have adult time.

How old are your dcs btw?

Lots of typos there!

Are your PIL local? They could have the DC every other weekend then your ex could make his arrangements with them?

My very abusive and controlling ex did this and to an extent still does. Just try not to let him see that's its bothering you because that what he feeds from. When he realise it doesn't have the intended impact it will lessen. (This is obv ime).

Try and reach out to friends family or make new supports, i know its not easy but you need to start building a life and luckily i had very understanding friends. If my ex changed plans last minute they came to me etc so i still had the all important adult company and wasn't being isolated.

The feeling you have now of increasing annoyance and lack of control i can so relate to, really important to not let that come across to him. I had to find an outlet ranted like a mad woman at the unfairness of it all but accepted it and was overly nice to him and i don't think he knew how to deal with that. It tapered off he now does it cause he's a lazy shit not because it bothers me. Unfortunately these men are never reasonable so appealing to his better judgement will never work and he thinks he's winning.

I hope you get some you time soon.

I am glad to see am not the only one in a similar position! Dcs are 8,6 and 7,like you I am ranting to anyone who will listen. He refuses to comit to anything until he knows what he is doing, I had to send a mail the other week to ask when he was planning on seeing the children and the reply came on Tuesday - it's not good enough but I agree because it then enables me to go out on my own. I have refused on a couple of occasions but that's because I have organised stuff in advance and I advise him in advance, if he could guarantee just every other sat/sun it would be a help but he just can't(won't is more accurate)

And very often he won't particularly if he know he's likely to ruin plans you have made. Tell him nothing of what you have planned the less he knows the better.

Do the kids have good friends who they could have sleepovers with now and again or other relatives? I know you don't want to put your parents out but have you spoke to them about it? maybe they would be happy to babysit? im sure you being happy is important to them.

Its very hard im 5-6 years down the line and still have the odd moment! I just had to accept what i was dealing with and work round it. Not ideal and very unfair but if not id have went mad. Exactly what he wanted.

My ex is the same, will not commit to seeing dc despite me telling him they need more contact with him. He just digs his heels in more if I try and talk to him about it. Now I just leave him to it, if he can't be bothered to spend time with our wonderful dc that's his loss. My dc know I have tried to maintain their relationship with their dad and are realising that he makes excuses, which I find very sad for them. I am very lucky that my family help out with my dc so have a free weekend once a month or so. That way I don't need to rely on ex and I can still have time for myself.
I agree with what others have said, contact via email and you tell him when is convenient for you. It is very frustrating, I find it hard when my dc are upset because they miss him. But I have accepted ex won't change and all I can do is be here for my dc.

I tell him nothing of what we do, just that they are unavailable, I have no idea what the children tell him. My parents look after the children one evening a week for me, bless them:) the weekends are the problem and as you have said it's finding a way of working round things, the children will just have to come places with me. His parents won't help out cause it means helping me, I am just afraid he will make things even harder for me, I want to move on with my life and it's not easy. Thank you for your replies:)

I totally understand not wanting to always be asking for favours from others just to get one night out occasionally. My ex lives abroad and at times I have wanted to explode with rage at the unfairness of it all. He gets to swan around scuba diving in Bali or whatever it is he's up to these days with OW while I am sitting at home dealing with the day to day drudgery.
What I have done is find other single parents through the school and have made friends with them, initially to have someone to moan to who was in a similar position but over time they have become friends who will help out last minute when I'm in a jam and I will do the same for them because I know how difficult it is juggling it all.
It has taken time though (nearly a year) to get to be in a better position, this afternoon I am going out with a friend in to town to drink cocktails at some swanky bars etc. I called in favours but my friends know they will get the favour returned.
Give yourself time and practise saying no to your ex

My strategy with ex, although it has to do with skype contact times, is that there are agreed times.
If he can't make it, it's his loss, or we may accommodate him if possible and enough warning is given.
After trying to screw it up with last minute cancellations and no contact with no warning, now he has to confirm the day before. If there is no confirmation, there is no contact.

You can do the same, tell him it's every two weeks. He may then ask you if he can change it.
You don't ask him for confirmation. He has to confirm enough in advance for you if he wants to see the children.
Assume the default that he won't see them.
Let him do the leg work and see it as a privilege rather than a favour he makes you or the children.

Lweji, I quite like your method, I think I might try to put that in place, trouble is he just won't comit to anything at all, but it's perhaps worth a try, thank you:)