This is going to take sometime to read but please read. I ask for no nasty comments or judgement because no-one can beat themselves up more than I do myself.
7yrs ago i met the man of my dreams, we fell in love so hard so deep and very quick. I left my friends and familt behind to move in with home to start a home and family. After 5 months we we're pregnant and so happy. I smoked during my pregnancy and my daughter was born 5lb 14oz. she was the most beautiful baby i had ever seen.
Fast forward a few yrs and we got married. I was the happiest girl in the whole world. I fell pregnant for a second time and yes i smoked more but this time i smoked cannabis more and more to stop me being sick. I couldnt eat anything with this baby I had sickness right up until birth.
I was meant to have a home birth, was so excited. Anyway, i thought my waters had gone so i called the midwife and she came over. she did a sweep and said if contactions dont start to go to the hospital the next day. The didnt and we went to the hospital. They said that they couldnt be 100% sure if my waters had gone but we could come back in a few days for a scan, however there was the risk of infection so we decided to stay and be induced. We made that choice together. They tried everything to start my contactions but nothing really worked. Eventually they broke my waters and things slowly started to get going, only thing was with each contraction the babirs heart dropped, the midwife said if that happens again we was to call her. It did and she came. she looked concened. I was taken through tp the delivery and started on the drip and gas and air. everything was going 'okay' until 8.40pm when they sped the drip up as i wasnt dilating fast enough. Thats wheb thongs started going wrong,very wrong.
I can't remember much about the birth at all. I was so high on gas and air i forgot i was giving birth. On the gas and air I thought i was a little girl again.......i remember opening my eyes and seeing so so many people except every person was 'him'. Not my husband, but my ex stepdad the man that abused me physically and mentally as i child. I thought he was comjng to 'get me' again. As a result of this i have now been told that i was not co-operating at all and nearly killed my baby as the wanted to give me an eppidural but i kept refusing say i could handle the pain, something i do not remember at all. That night not only did we nearly lose our baby but me as well. i became ill and was fading. I remember my sister in law shouting bringing me back to earth. she told me i had to have an epidural so i could have an emerency c section cuz the baby was dying. I kind of remember agreeing to it. Before the could i had the urge to push but the doctors said no. It was too late i could feel something. Still i was trying to protect myself and didnt want people touching me anymore. When i came 'back' to earth i was bleeding so much and convinced myself 'he' had got me again. I had to go down to surgury to have my placenta removed as it was stuck.
I didnt know until recently how bad the situation really was its s night we never speak about. But now i wish we had cuz maybe i wouldnt be in the situation im in now. Our son was born 5lb1oz and is now a healthy 2 yr old.
Last month my husbabd went awol for 24hrs, reported him missing with the police. when he came back tye next day he told me he had been on crack all night. i believed him and forgave him. We had a few rocky days and eventually i asked him to leave. We spoke the next day about everything. I had never told him about what i thought had happen to me that night until 3 weeks ago. He came home willing to try and make us work. Only......he was at work and asked menif he could go for a drink with a friend after work. I didnt want him to go but to save an argument i said okay. He text me to tell me he'd missed his train and was going to sleep at his friends house. at that moment i knew something was up. Well he did come home that night so so drunk. And with a love bite on his neck...:-( at first he denied it saying he had a play fight. eventually he told.me the truth. I threw him out. A few days later we agreed to try again but i knew his heart wasnt in it. I confronted him with it and he said the i broke his heart so bad that he didnt love me anymore...i was broken....he left....we had the breaking up talk...but he kissed me when he left for work the next day so i thought that we wasnt really over. he came back that night to talk, he said he need space and needed to be away from me for a while, so he moved in with his sister.
The next day his sister came to pick me up and take me to the hospital for an appointment. when i got into the car i knew he had seen her again the night before as a box of fags where in the car and the lassengrr seat was all the way back. i got to the hospital and was told i need urgent biospys on my moles... :-(
Eventually i got the truth out of him. he had met her, even after saying the night before 'tgis really isnt goodbye'. when i questioned him about it he said he thought we was over and then we wasnt he didnt know what to do. I spoke with him and asked him of he wanted us 'over' he said no and came home. i brought his things home but left his bags packed. he had to make a decision. I begged him to forgive me but he said he couldnt. he told me his love changed to hate and now ive spoken to him about 'that night' he fells sorry for me saying i must have been so scared.
This bring us to now....i asked him if he regrets leaving me and the children, he said he regrets how things ended and they shouldnt have ended that way but it would have ended anyway...but he thinks its for the best.
Ive killed myself for 2 yrs thinking about what i did and that i smoked. i asked him for another chance and he saod he gave me that when we fell pregnant again.
If i could change the past i would...and i know its my fault(yes he smoked too) but whats done is done and our son is totally fine.
He said he wants us to be friends and doesnt want a divorce cuznits notnthe right thing to do.
Its breaking my heart i still have to see him everyday because of the choldren but i just want us back as a family again. I love him with all my heart even after the affair he started. I just do not know what to do. everyone said i should just leave him alone and if its meant to be its meant to be. Ive now had to put my name on the housing list so he can move back in here but i dont want to move.
Again i ask for no nasty comment i am FULLY aware smoming of any kind is bad when pregnant but i cant change the past.
Thank you.