Need support please

[Littlebme12]

Im not looking for advice on what to do really. I just have noone in rl presently that i can talk this through with. All mine and dp friends are mutual - we were friends before getting together.

We have been arguing increasingly over the past year. In this time there have been small issues that he has failed to address despite me raising over and over. I believe he is a passive aggressive. Doesn't know how to express his feelings. I also believe his upbringing has a lot to do with the way he is and the issues that have caused problems.

However we are now splitting up. For a few reasons he can't move out immediately. We spoke at length three nights ago and agreed an amicable plan to separate. I am thinking ok this might be fairly straightforward.

But now he's begging me to tell him there may be hope in the future if he goes to counselling and tries to work through these issues. Blazing row last night due to me feeling backed into a corner by these questions. My feelings are how dare he ask anymore of me after being given every chance to right the wrongs. He's looking to feel less shitty about breaking up by getting a reassurance that this might be salvagable at some point.

I honestly can't answer his question. How do i know how i will feel in 6 months or a year? I don't want to be the motivation for him addressing issues by telling him there's hope, i need to see he's doing it for himself. Plus right now all i feel is resentment, i can't trust him and im angry he has put me in this situation. If he had addressed the stuff we could have worked on the relationship, its not perfect but i would have tried. Iv told him all of this.

Im not looking forward to him leaving it will be difficult but it needs to happen. I need space to see how i feel first off. I can't sleep because im now thinking he's going to be doing this hounding / begging thing until he goes. He's said he realise how shit he's been now sees how much damage he's caused. Too little too late tho, bad that its took this for him to realise he needs to do something.

Just need to vent / talk myself through this. I don't want to cave.

I think 'too little too late' sums it up; if that really is how you feel, I can't see a problem with telling him that! Sounds like there's no hope for the two of you, but if hearing this makes him re-think how he behaves to a partner in the future, you've done him a favour in the long run.

I don't trust myself to know how i really feel. Im trying to be head over heart. I feel sad about him leaving and Im sad for him in that he needs to leave his home etc but im trying not to think too much about that because it does upset me and i will then cave and that will just be giving him free reign to treat me like he has been. On the whole a lovely guy just wouldn't address stuff and its caused resentment.

Im in an impossible situation, he leaves its horrible, he stays i get treated crappy.

IME, it's how guys deal with the break up. My XH was the same. What you are describing was his 3rd stage. First was the 'Ok, I know, I'm leaving' second was 'it's my home too you leave', then this stage. Next was the very angry - which went on a long time - then the remember when stage trying to reignite the past, then the moved on stage.
Right now, you just don't want to be with him anymore. In the future, if HE addressed his problems, it might be the kind of guy you thought he was already, but he might not be.
You need the time alone, to work out exactly how you want to live your life. Partners are supposed to enrich and enhance, not dominate and belittle.

"i will then cave and that will just be giving him free reign to treat me like he has been"

Keep this top of mind because you need to be strong. As you say he's had lots of opportunities and it's only now that his cosy existence is threatened that he starts to see there's a problem. The reason he wouldn't 'address stuff' in the past is because a) he didn't want to and b) there were no consequences to his behaviour. I don't think it's 'passive aggressive' behaviour btw.

Looking at this thread and the advice has really helped me too.

Don't think I can be much help but you are doing the right thing. This is how I feel about my relationship except I've let it go on for just under 5 years!

My STBXH said he'd get counselling and do what needed to be done to get back together. Funnily enough, once he moved out, he kept pushing to get back together but never ever had the time or money to do the counselling. In reality, he was hoping it was a blip and I would give in eventually. No. A thousand times no.

It's a tactic, a stalling technique. Don't fall for it or you'll be right back where you started.

I caught an hours sleep and feel a lot more positive. Just hearing your comments really does help. I know he needs to go and im sure he thinks he will wear me down.

The things he does that make me think he's ppassive aggressive are the sulks moods and silence i get treated too. Also doing household things wrongly or not quite right for whatever reason, his forgetting despite constant reminders of things. He's not ill so he's choosing to do it.

Going to stay strong. Just had a wobble i think.

just for you.

Thank you!

Im in an impossible situation, he leaves its horrible, he stays i get treated crappy

Although it is difficult to imagine beyond the immediate, can you start to think in terms of yes to your second alternative but not necessarily to your first alternative.

In other words, if he leaves it may be horrible for a while but it WILL get better, but it will undoubtedly remain the same if he stays?

Once you can see a way forward towards building your new future, it will give you strength and some positivity about the possibilities that lie ahead. Dont let him have a hold on your life!

OP - the first option is ultimately the better one. Yes, it will be horrible for a very brief time - or more accurately just when he is contacting you. But the rest of the time it will be quiet. Peaceful. Relaxing. No shouting, no swearing, no stomping, no slamming doors, no complaining (well, okay DCs might do some of that, but IME not nearly as much!).

I literally walked around the house, soaking in the quiet in the evenings.

You know how when you live with someone, there's literally no escape from the head games and their presence? When they're not living with you, it's so much easier to deal with them, as you get HEAD SPACE of your own.

That's a good way to think of it. I'm imagining being in this same situation in 5 years time, oh I'd be even more bitter, resentful etc I am feeling relieved that its over I already feel I'm detaching from him and I can start to distance myself from the drama.

I am so looking forward to the quiet!! No games just me doing what I need to for kids, not running after and fixing things for a man child too.

Still swinging back and forth, feel a bit of a failure too. I'm a bit broken in respect of relationships and I'm maybe just meant to be on my own. My dc deserve all my attention and will get it from now on. Financially I'm in a well paid job but work only two days but I will look at nursery for youngest and take more shifts on.

Being reminded the horrible bit will pass really helps. Just wish it could happen sooner now.

Flowers home from work with him last night, big declarations of how he going to show me this that the next thing.

I had to sit and and again point out what he has done and how he is continuing to push the boundaries and nots respecting what im asking for. Tired of this already its mentally draining me further.

So he's in a massive sulk this morning clipped answers etc. Im not going to feed into it. Also think he's been checking my phone. I might be paranoid but twice now my phones not been where i left it. He's blaming ds.

Give me strength!!

The big declarations didn't even last 24 hours.... There has to be a way to get him out earllier

I've reread the previous posts, but I think I'm missing it... what's your time frame for him leaving then?

Not even 12 hours.

When we first spoke about separating and it was nice we agreed 3 months to get a deposit and first months rent together. We are scraping by with cash due to no childcare at the min, he is against nursery for ds no family, but 3 months really scraping would get the money together.

Iv now told him he will need to go sleep on his dads/ brothers couch until the money is together. We have a few commitments this month for which we really can't avoid having to stay together for as i need to be away from home. Im sorting out family stuff and i need to go home to do it which will involve me being away for a few nights each time. I need him here for the kids i literally have no one else who can have them. Everyone works etc