Aunt knew about abuse, WWYD?

[DrCarolineTodd]

I've name-changed for this one.

I've recently discovered that my aunt knew my dad was beating me and my siblings when I was a kid. She tried to talk to my (enabler) mum, who wouldn't discuss it. She did nothing else. Didn't report it, didn't make extra effort to keep in touch, nothing.

I am finding this hard to handle and feel very upset with her. We keep in touch and I don't know whether to bring it up and, if so, what to say. She's my uncle's wife ie she married into the family and I think she may have been afraid to rock the boat but it's very hard knowing she did so little to help. What on earth should I say to her? I can't just pretend it's fine.

How strange, I had the exact thing happen!

When I was thirty-something my maternal aunt told me she knew about my being abused by an elder sibling when I was 12-13. She told me that she'd broached the subject of my coming to live with her in a city about two hours away. She told me that she was planning to send me to a posh private school for girls. But evidently my mother told my aunt that I'd said no, so that was that.

What I remember: my mother saying she was fed up with me and wanted me to go live with relatives. No mention of aunt, school. Aunt wasn't in touch with me then apart from birthday cards.

My aunt may well have had some half-baked rescue fantasy at the time but it wasn't important enough to enact.

Honestly, your aunt and my aunt can fuck off. We weren't important enough to protect when we were young--they can manage without us now.

Do you have the sort of relationship where you can normally talk about difficult stuff? If so, then I think it might be okay to ask her about it. If you're not that close, then I suppose it's likely that either she can talk about it, and it brings you closer, or she doesn't want to talk about it, and it will push you apart.

I think also it depends how far back it was - until Childline and so on came along, who did you speak to about such things? I'm not saying she shouldn't have done more, but perhaps she wanted to, and just didn't know how to - and you may be right about not wanting to rock the boat, too. I'm not making excuses, because obviously I have no idea what actually went on or when it was, but if you talk to her, I think you need to have an open mind and give her a chance to make her case before you decide what you want to do longer term.

If you can't talk to her, then maybe it would be worth getting some counselling?

Also, even if you decide to talk to her, you don't have to do it right now - you can wait till you've had some time to process it in your mind.

buttheydo gosh I'm sorry, that must have been painful to discover.

Ebearhug this was the early 90s so there was some awareness. I kind of get why she didn't pursue it but still feels very difficult. It's not the kind of relationship where it's possible to discuss difficult stuff but I don't really have that with any relatives tbh.

I'm having counselling which has made me think about it all a lot more. Thanks for the reminder about taking time - that's a very good point.

OP, have you discussed your abuse with your mother?

She was a grown up and should have helped xxxxx

DioneTheDiabolist no chance, she's not open to discussion. It's soul destroying to try. I no longer speak to her.

You may wish to write her a letter saying how disappointed in her lack of action.

Or just block her out.