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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have not s*x life

15 replies

Tiggly · 27/08/2006 02:03

it makes me laff, we are supposed to be getting married in march 2008 and yet we "bd" about once every 3-4 months. I am dreading the fact of actually having to get down to the deed as I am always up and ready but dp is hopeless and once in a while is ok for him. IT DRIVES ME MAD. I have a more acyive mind than him but when I make it obvious I am up for it, he instantly falls asleep. Should I take the hint and kic him out or bide my time and hpe then when we do start bd-ing for the real thing that he will get his arse (pardon the pun) into gear..

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/08/2006 09:40

Firs off you certainly need to get this problem addressed before you get married.

Can you both go to Relate and tackle this now?.

Another possible route would be his GP; there may be a medical reason for his lack of sex drive.

Don't write him off as hopeless although that word was written more out of frustration I feel than anything else.

It may be an emotional issue or he may have suffered abuse in his past. Maybe his parents told him that sex was dirty and that it should only be for marriage.

Whatever it is he needs to talk to you and be honest. You both need help with this problem.

Mum2FunkyDude · 27/08/2006 09:54

Sex is a very important part of marriage life, if it is this way now, you should get counselling, it might get worse later on and a sexless marriage can be emotionally devouring, it will make you resentful and you might not be able to work on your marriage at all.

trinityrhino · 27/08/2006 10:02

whats bd?

fullmoonfiend · 27/08/2006 10:03

baby dance = sex

chocybickie · 27/08/2006 10:08

baby dance?? these abbreviations are getting weirder.
you know things aren't right so i would seriously advise you to halt any wedding plans and plans for babies right now.
its never just about lack of sex it generally affects other areas of the relationship too.
try to talk to him about it without blaming or making him feel inadequate. good luck. x

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/08/2006 10:15

Hi Tiggly....

What do you mean by hopeless exactly?

Also, when you say BD-ing for real.......I'm guessing you are keen to start a family....What does DP feel about having children?

Original poster

Tiggly · 27/08/2006 14:53

Most of what I said last night was out of sheer frustration. As i'd had a couple of glasses of wine I spoke to him about it all (dutch courage and all that, i'm very shy when it comes to a topic like this) and said that as we are planning a wedding and children (we both want children, he'd be happy to have them before the wedding but I want to get married first and he is happy to wait) that things really need to step up a gear as once every 3-4 months isn't going to get us anywhere. He was fine about it and agrees that when we are married and things get underway to start a family, we will forge ahead in earnest!! Thank you everyone for your responses, I hope that things improve or we will have to consider approaching the gp or counselling route.

OP posts:

bamik · 27/08/2006 17:20

Tiggly,

Not being funny but bd every 3-4 months! Is this a typo. Did you mean 3-4 weeks maybe?

Babes, I'll be honest with you. If it is 3-4 months,then the excuse that he's given you is a bit naff!

Do you both work long hours or crazy shifts? If you're both working like 9-5 and living in the same house then something is really wrong. Maybe he has issues that need to be addressed.

Sorry if I have caused offence but I just wanted to be real with you.

Take care x

Original poster

Tiggly · 27/08/2006 20:40

Hi Bamik, no it wasn't a typo. I wondered if this was "normal" but evidently not. It is me who works the silly shifts and I am too nackered to bother, but 3-4 months apart really makes me feel unloved. Selfish aren't I??

OP posts:

morningpaper · 27/08/2006 20:44

Tiggly do you wait for him to initiate sex, or do you suggest it and get refused?

Original poster

Tiggly · 27/08/2006 20:51

I sometimes try to initiate things but I am afraid of being knocked back, in fact the thought terrifies me. I have to have a a fair amount to drink in order to kick things off!

OP posts:

morningpaper · 27/08/2006 20:55

I can tell you one thing: The situation is not going to change just because you are 'married'

I suggest your dp sees his GP

I suggest you see a couple's counsellor

And if this changes nothing, then you need to decide BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED whether you can spend your whole life having sex three time a year

oxocube · 27/08/2006 20:56

IMHO do not get married to someone you do not have good sex with. Its hard enough after mariage sometinmes to keep eveything alive, esp after kids. If its a big problem before, either sort it before hand or don't get married. Sorry

lemonstartree · 27/08/2006 22:06

I once knew a woman whose 'husband to be' referred to sex as 'bobbety'.

She had a very strong libido

she shagged another man on her hen night

but still got married...............

it all ended in tears...............

lilymolly · 27/08/2006 22:41

Hi, Opp prob with us,me lacking sex drive- once every 3- 4 months sounds like too much in my book! But I realise this is not normal.
One of the reasons dp will not get married is lack of sex- tbh I think he is right, we are now going to Relate to sort this out before we even contemplate marriage.
Suggest you do the same x

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