Thoroughly miserable

[PPaka]

Just feel like life's not really dealing me a decent set of cards
Stbxh- cheated, lied. He is just vile
He won't move out.
Swings from verbally abusing me- saying the most horrible things, to begging me to take him back
He is spending vast amounts of money on going out, drugs. I have no influence over this
He is currently on a boys weekend in the US, drinking champagne, whilst I am juggling funds to buy our ds new school shoes

Ds had a fight today with his friend, he can't seem to control his temper. I feel like I am failing him.
He moans and complains constantly, is such hard work, and all I'm doing is telling the poor child off
I just want to cry
I have no close by friends that I can sound off to.
And would need a babysitter anyway. Which I can't afford
Been for so many job interviews that I have lost count, waiting to hear from one from this week

I am trying so hardy one positive and keep it all together, but I'm failing
In fact I am a failure

It doesn't sound like you are a failure. Seems like you are doing very well in intolerable circumstances. Have you had any legal advice? If you cannot get access to free legal, can you see someone at the CAB or see if they have access to a solicitor for free? I suppose I was wondering about getting him out of the house.

Yes, I have a solicitor, but have already spent £700 on nothing really, and I just don't have the money

I just can't get into a legal battle with him, my life will be hell, he will do nothing, respond to no communication, provide no info to solicitors, I know him. It will end up costing a fortune
I'm just stuck

Is it a rented house or owned PPka? Sympathise on the legal fees, having done it. Sounds like your life is Hell already. My DD was acting out when her father was being an a**e. The school arranged counselling, and it really helped.

We own jointly

Ds's behaviour has always been tricky
And I'm so worried he's going to be just like his father
I love him so much, I just want him to be a happy little boy

It must be very scary for him. The catalyst for me getting counselling for DD was when she got in a fight at school. Never done it before or since. He may very well be a happy boy when all this is a bit more sorted. I think you can force a sale of the house. Can't make 'D'H any worse than he already is from what you say. I sympathise with feeling life has been unfair also. My XH was OD, so it was only a matter of time until I was replaced. I am much happier without him, and the drama, EA etc.

Putting aside the nightmare of your STBXH (which I know may sound impossible) in your shoes right now, as much as possible, I would focus on your relationship with your DS. It will give you both something to hold on to when the chaos from his dad continues. Knowing that you are at peace with your DS will give you a much wider sense of peace about what you're both going to have to go through to get through this time before your ex leaves. And your DS will benefit enormously from knowing you are solid ground for him to lean on.

When he's angry and lashing out at the moment, perhaps treat it differently from behaviour you would discipline in other more 'normal' circumstances? My sister gave me a book called 'Loving our kids on purpose' when I split with my XH. I put off reading it for such a long time because it's written from a Christian perspective and I am not a Christian, so I thought it would be preachy. However when I did get around to picking it up, it made a really strong point about focusing on the heart connection between a parent and child before trying to impose boundaries. Essentially, giving kids the responsibility/respect/acknowledgement that they are able to work with you instead of against you, instead of telling them they have to.

That's not to say you don't have any boundaries, but if you feel sad and frustrated about telling him off all the time, shift the energy a bit and try and just give him your time/attention differently - even if that's just going for a long walk to burn off his temper and being with him while he gets to vent at you about how he feels. How old is he?

So sorry you are going through this. It will pass, and you will come through the other side x