What to do if you think your mate has a controlling dp?

[superstarheartbreaker]

I don't want to piss on her chips but I have some concerns:
He hates her parents and makes no bones about it
He won't hang around with her friends
He refuses to move and wants her to move herself into his house in a different place therefore her kids will have to move schools

Mabe I am reading too much into it ? If I am not and he is a dick, do I just keep quiet or make noises. I've already said that I'm worried in case he's one of those guys that tries to drive a wedge between her and family. ( they are not nice to him so mabe he is justified in disliking them.)

So I guess just be there for her but don't offer opinion as she won't listen anyway?

I've been in this situation. I held back at first but as the evidence (for him being a controlling twat) mounted I gradually found it impossible to keep quiet. I said I would be supportive whatever she did but I made it clear that I thought he was a twat. She has now left him.

If she does distances herself from her family she is choosing to do so. It says more about her if she allows this man to do that. 'Allow' being key.
I would stay out of it but if asks for your opinion then tell her.

If he is controlling, and it sounds like he is, then I think it's vital that you maintain contact with her. Don't make your friendship with her dependent on her leaving/standing up to him - all that will do is isolate her further, which plays right into his hands. Do everything you can to make sure she knows she can confide in you and that you will always support her without ever saying 'I told you so'.
It is a difficult position to be in - a friend of mine is in a very ill-advised relationship with a man who has successfully isolated her from her family and friends, and keeps moving her around the country and getting her pregnant. At her wedding, there was only me and one other person from her side present because he had made so many problems. Whenever I feel like shaking her and telling her she HAS to leave, I remember that its more important that she still has one person she can call secretly in the middle of the night than it is for me to be right about what she ought to do.

I guess the best I can do is to just be there.

I think, if it's a good friend, you get roughly one shot at telling them very seriously that you suspect the boyfriend's motives, are worried about him being controlling, isolating the friend, driving a wedge etc. One shot because they need to hear it even if they are not interested but, if you repeat yourself, they're going to zone you out and withdraw. They already know their parents don't like the guy but parents can be accused of picking on boyfriends and then it becomes romantic rebellion.

The exception to this is if they ask you a question directly. Then you absolutely have to be honest. Also, if something specifically abusive happens, you should speak up.

Cogito is spot on.

I had a controlling partner, after three years of him isolating me, making it hard for me to work, and trying to get me pregnant, one of my friends , who'd been there for me all along, asked me very seriously whether I was happy. (We were on a girls night and rather drunk, she wouldn't normally have said anything)

That was my lightbulb moment, and it had so much power because it was that one shot.

Stay in touch, be a friend, and if that moment arises, take it.

PS after I left him, I asked a couple of other friends if they'd been worried. Yes, they said, but we didn't want to piss on your chips. I have asked them if they see me in a similar place to speak up as soon as thry are worried.

I talked about it several times with my close mate. She admitted she could see how it looked like he was isolating her but he was her soul mate and he and his kids were enough for her. He prevented her from talking to me on the phone and he came on every lunch or coffee we organised.

He left her for another woman and she came back to her old friendships. Then he came back and we are all dumped again. She's moved cities with him now.

We're distant FB acquaintances now.