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Original poster

the ultimate betrayal - you were all right - think im in shock

43 replies

piginpoo · 03/05/2014 18:22

DH told me this morning he has had an affair - I think i'm in shock -I cant believe that he has done this to me. He has lied to everyone.
to cut a long story short I posted 3days before Xmas that he had come out with the "no longer loves me"- we got through xmas but by end of jan I had had enough & got him to leave. Midway through feb I found out he was majorly depressed & having a breakdown - he came home so i could look after him as he wasnt eating or sleeping & was a mess.
Today he tells me he has been having an affair with an employee that started before xmas & that he ended mid feb. He is the boss.
so after getting him over the worst of his depression & hearing him tell me he had wanted to end his life he goes on his first work meeting -ends up having dinner with her & doesnt come home when he says he will.
Today when I instigate a talk he tells me this & then tells me OW DH had phoned him yesterday basically threatening to tell me.

I dont really know why im posting on here as i know you are all going to tell me to get him to leave. i was so angry with him this morning I made him phone my DF & FIL to tell them that he had lied. They are both telling me not to act rashly. I have spent the day doing the garden - the kids know - in a moment of anger i said i would be better off if he had done something to himself - i have had to refrain from posting on OW twitter account.

I really dont know what I am going to do - i have even thought of taking revenge in a one night stand - just so I can tell him it made me feel good.
I just can't believe he has done this - 20 years married this year - infact i know what i am doing i dont want to believe it as i think i may fall apart

OP posts:
SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 03/05/2014 18:26

Thanks and Wine Very sorry he's putting you through this.

Terrortree · 03/05/2014 18:31

So sorry love, that really sucks.

miramar · 03/05/2014 18:34

I think I remember your earlier thread.

Tell him (don't ask) to leave. Have some time on your own. You won't be able to think properly with him there.

Thanks
DrankSangriaInThePark · 03/05/2014 18:36

What a piece of shit.

If it ended in February then why is the OW's husband threatening him now. That is the first question you deserve an answer to. (Although I think we can all guess......February my arse)

He had a breakdown. Well, diddums. And he came home to be looked after. Ain't that sweet. He has you right where he wants you for sure.

Why on earth are you getting him to ring your parents? Aren't you adults yourselves to deal with this?

He is still fucking this OW .It never stopped. Is probably the nearest to the truth you will get. And she is his employee? How squalid.

Get angry. Get very angry. With HIM. Not with the OW, she isn't worth your thoughts.

oldgrandmama · 03/05/2014 18:37

You poor thing - yes, TELL him to go. Easier to think with him out of the house, as miramar says ^^

MrsDiesel · 03/05/2014 18:39

I would ask him to leave while you have space to think this through. Don't rush into any descions and remember you can change your mind if you want to.

how is he behaving now? Is hs begging you to forgive him or trying to offload responsibility?

Pinkballoon · 03/05/2014 18:50

Sounds like he's lying. If you want (or need) to know the facts, then perhaps speak to her husband. If he's been threatening your husband, then there must be some basis for this (unless she's suddenly decided to confess to him months afterwards?) You'll probably get more out of her husband than you will your husband.

But please be prepared, if you do speak to him. Sometimes its not nice to hear the facts and realise how hoodwinked you've been. But at least it will allow you to get to a position where you can make a decision about what you want, much quicker than trying to drag out of your husband what happened (and he will obviously gloss over a few things!)

Allowing you to look after him during his breakdown was pretty despicable behaviour.

Original poster
piginpoo · 03/05/2014 18:51

i dont think i have the strength to get him to leave it nearly broke me last time round - I am on Ads & was on sleeping tablets for a month - i have even been going to the drs with him supporting him through his depression. I dont even want to speak to him to tell him to go. I just cant believe he has done this - i asked him so many times if there was someone else - i even asked him if he liked someone - we were work collegues - i told him i would take him for everything hes got if i found out he was lying and here we are.

OP posts:
Original poster
piginpoo · 03/05/2014 18:52

just to clarify we were work colleagues before we got involved both seeing other people

OP posts:
Minion100 · 03/05/2014 18:54

Thanks I'm so sorry to hear that.

Does it at least bring some sort of answers to you? As in reasons why he behaved the way he did at Christmas?

Original poster
piginpoo · 03/05/2014 18:56

pinkBalloon - ive asked for the facts - hes given them to me - also said i wanted to speak to OW DH but wouldnt give me tel no - sent text instead saying i wanted to speak to him.

i think OW is leaving her DH she told him back in mid feb & although they were trying to sort things they havent worked out - so DH tells me.

OP posts:
IWillIfHeWill · 03/05/2014 18:56

just keep breathing and see what pans out. do what you feel moved to do.

its about survival at the moment. you might want him, you might not. if you don't, you'll need legal advice as soon as you are able.

you don't need to know any more detail, do you? why torture yourself?

Pinkballoon · 03/05/2014 18:59

But he must have known that you were on ADs and sleeping tablets because of his behaviour? Yet still didn't confess to the affair?

The only blessing I suppose is that you now know that you can trust your instincts, as your instincts were obviously telling you that something was very wrong.

Think I would contact the husband and get all the facts (I'm sure he won't hold back) and then make my decision.

EEasterChick · 03/05/2014 19:04

How awful for you. I'm so sorry.

Though hard right now I do think he has to move out, you won't be able to think straight otherwise. Have you got any RL support, someone who could stay and support you and DCs? You meed to think of your needs right now, he has had you focussing on him for far too long.

Get some space, breathing room. Take it a day at a time at the moment. ((Hugs)) and Flowers

Original poster
piginpoo · 03/05/2014 19:07

yes he knew about the ads & sleeping tablets - i had to get him here one day to look after kids as i was a mess

i wanted the facts - i want to know exactly what i am dealing with

I want to speak to OWDH to make sure he's still not lying - why i dont know but he hasnt replied to text & DH wont give me tell no.

i have deliberately not asked him to leave as last time i made him go - i want to see what he does - why again i dont really know - just dont feel ready to deal with the fallout all over again

& yes it is a blessing knowing that i was right & that he is a utter B!

OP posts:
Pinkballoon · 03/05/2014 19:08

Unfortunately, you probably won't be able to believe much of what your husband says, as he is obviously going to have to cover up stuff that he's done in the hope of reconciling with you (and not upsetting you.)

My exP told me that the OW 1. didn't exist (a figment of my imagination :) then 2. existed, but he couldn't get rid of her. I contacted the OW and she said he'd been booking holidays for them both only a few days previously. They just lie.

I think the fact that he watched you going on to ADs and sleeping tablets because of his behaviour, and at no stage had the integrity to just sit you down and say "Look its not you, its me having an affair" is just despicable. And allowing you to nurse him through his breakdown because of their relationship ending in February.

Original poster
piginpoo · 03/05/2014 19:12

he has said he is sorry - sounds so inadequate -but there is nothing he can say at the moment but there is one thing i have asked him to do & this will tell me exactly how sorry he is - but cant go into detail on here

OP posts:
Original poster
piginpoo · 03/05/2014 19:22

i was already on Ads but had to up the dose - and agree about his behaviour. HIs DM died back in July and thought this was all part of his breakdown etc.

Now i know why he was so reluctant to come back when he was ill & i was saying no pressure to talk about us just get you well

i am trying hard not to act in anger this time - how do i get this all sorted when i feel like i want nothing more to do with him ever but will have to have some contact because of the kids

OP posts:
DrankSangriaInThePark · 03/05/2014 19:36

What does he want? (not that he gets to choose, but why has he told you this today?) Is it because the OW is leaving her husband for yours?

You should be bloody angry my love. You've been taken for a ride big time.

Pinkballoon · 03/05/2014 19:43

Think you need to get the full picture before you make any decisions. Sequence of events etc. I remained very calm, spoke to OW and wrote down dates etc that she gave me, and checked against his emails and texts from those times. Started to see all the patterns. It's whether you can stomach all the lies and deceit. TBH, I couldn't bare the sight of him after all of it. He just looked weak and sleazy.

Corygal · 03/05/2014 19:49

He's a nasty little shit. Get shot of him now and take time to make decisions once he's left.

Norest · 03/05/2014 20:04

Sorry are you saying you met your Dh when you were working with him and you were both seeing other people? I.e you met via an affair?

And now he has done it again?

It seems from one of your posts you are.

I do feel sympathy. For anyone who had been cheated on. Hurts a lot.

miramar · 03/05/2014 20:04

He's been gaslighting you for months. Of course it feels scary to make decisions for yourself. He had you trained to disbelieve yourself.

He has lied until he was forced -by a third party- to disclose something. You asking the question wasn't enough, he had to be threatened to tell you anything. He is not overcome by remorse and sorry for hurting you. He is sorry he got caught. He had been lying to you for so long that it's a hard habit to break. Even if he wants to. He is used to telling you whatever he wants you to believe.

Who sent the text to the other husband? If him, why? He should no longer have the enjoyment of being in control and deciding what to tell each supporting actor in his story.

Honestly, if you could get him out of the house you'd feel so much better. Each time you see him must be a reminder of his lies and disrespect. Anyone in your position, living with a partner who behaves as he had, would be at risk of depression. It seeks unlikely he's gone from being supportive to having an affair in the last 6 months. Maybe he's been unsupportive for a long time and that's linked to your longer-term depression.

Cabrinha · 03/05/2014 22:32

What's wrong with making a decision in anger? It's probably the truest decision.
Whatever your thing you won't share that proves how sorry he is... he doesn't care enough about your marriage to give you the OW's husband's number.
I don't think you should speak to him anyway,
Your husband is a shit, a liar and a cheat. A user too.
Nothing the other man can say that's going to make him any more worth kicking out than he already is.
Come on...
You think you'll fall apart again kicking him out? You'll end up in a worse place if you stay with him.

Original poster
piginpoo · 03/05/2014 22:55

norest it wasnt really an affair - we ended other relationships before anything happened.

pinkballoon luckily enough i have a habit of writing all my thoughts down when going through a stressful period so have been looking at what was going on - i really dont know what i feel but reading some of my old thoughts I had questioned several times an OW. Also apparent how many opportunities i had given him to come clean.

miramar i am concerned he only told me when threatened by OW DH and yes he sent text. i am suspicious why he is not letting me have number unless he gets permission from OW DH - i think he is acting more out of something for her rather than me. He is visibly distressed,wracked with guilt & hates himself for all the lies he has told and I am not sure what this is going to do to him re his recovery of breakdown. DD has told him she hates him & what he has done is disgusting.

i have come across the gaslighting before and funnily enough passive aggressive personality was something that cropped up for him previously - although he denies this - as he would.

right now im not really sure what i feel - im switching between anger that hes done this and pity and in between just empty.

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