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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

when does it get better?

7 replies

whereverilaymyhat · 03/05/2014 14:36

I don't know why I'm posting really, as I don't want advice, I've made my decision, I guess I just want to write everything down and close a chapter. Several years ago my DH had an affair. I have read so many threads on here, and my story is pretty much the same as all the rest.

His affair was short lived and we didn't break up over it. DH is a good husband now. I can't find fault with him. The problem is, although I have everything I thought I wanted I'm not happy. The affair did something to the way I feel about my DH. I no longer trust him. I have lost trust in all men actually. I don't want to leave DH, I'd not find anyone I'd trust or love more, as I am no longer capable or trusting of loving anyone other than dcs. I wonder if people who have affairs realise that they can damage others like this.

That's it really. I'm one of those people who has it all but still can't be happy. I look around me, and I am lucky and should be grateful, but on days like today I can't be happy.

I know I am responsible for my own happiness, and need to fix this.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 03/05/2014 14:58

I'm one of those people who has it all

It doesn't sound like it to me.

mammadiggingdeep · 03/05/2014 15:14

Have you had counselling? It sounds as if you're just accepting this situation. How do you know that you'd never love or trust any man more than him!? He's proved himself to be disrespectful and untrustworthy and the flame has gone out for you.

Take a deep breath....and a risk....and be truly honest with yourself about what you want.
Flowers

Lweji · 03/05/2014 15:16

With good reason you don't trust this man.

You probably won't trust anyone again in the same way you trusted him, but you will trust people again. Maybe just not blindly.

Have you done any counselling on the wake of the affair?

But you shouldn't stay if it makes you unhappy. It was not you, it was him and you owe him nothing.

Crazyfeministmama · 03/05/2014 17:02

the flame has gone out for you

Yes, this is what it sounds like. By having everything, do you maybe mean everything material, plus a husband? I think you are maybe minimising the affair saying it was short-lived and you didn't break up over it - but it sounds like something in you broke. That is why you refer to damage.

I think recognising that is the first thing. Figuring out what you want to do about it is harder. I agree counselling would be a good idea, if you can talk to someone to try and process the damage and what it means for your future that might be one step on the road to fixing things.

But also, I think fixing does not necessarily mean making things the way they were. It can mean making something new and different as well.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2014 17:05

You're unhappy because you've chosen to stay with a miserable status quo rather than take a risk and seek happiness elsewhere. There are few things more corrosive or depressing than mistrust. It kills happiness stone dead. However, you're quite wrong about trusting someone else. You may not be so naïve in future but that's quite different.

Minion100 · 03/05/2014 17:34

I don't know anything about affairs, but I do know about betrayal and losing trust and it takes something horrible away from you. Without being cheesy it always reminds me of that Emma Thompson line in "Love Actually" where she says if she stays she knows everything will always be a little bit worse.

Betrayals of all sort sully and soil what should be the key relationship in your life where you feel most safe, most assured, most trusting.

It's a very sad thing, it's a loss, and I completely understand the concept that he has taken away your ability to trust.

However, on reflection of my own situation, my husband who I absolutely adored abandoned our family when he became depressed and changed from the most wonderful man in the world to the most awful bastard you could ever imagine.

I could take the attitude that I will be scared my next man would abandon me (after all, my DH could not have been a more loving hubby so if he was capable of it anyone could be) but that's a silly attitude to take.

Millions of people get depressed and don't abandon their families. Millions of people stay married and don't have affairs. Some people act in ways other people would not dream of doing and that is the way of the world.

It sounds to me like your husbands affair has caused you to cash in your chips and leave the table for fear of losing again. You've given up. In that state of mind whether you are with him or not - you have let the affair destroy you.

It's not a case of "good or bad" people, but it's more about the choices people make. Some people might decide to have an affair while others would never get themselves into that position. Can you think back and unravel the parts of his personality which enabled him to behave this way? Were there issues between you that led to this? Did he have form for selfish behavior? Was he capable of deceit in other ways?

I certainly know in my case my husband had millions of signs over the years that he was the type to run away from problems. I chose to ignore that because I loved him, he loved me and we were happy. It never occurred to be that when he was no longer happy (and no one with severe depression is "happy") that he would just run off instead of standing true to his promises.

Maybe if you can unravel the causation or the signs it will make you feel safer with others. That said human behavior is unpredictable sometimes and you cannot protect yourself from getting shat on.

This has clearly damaged you and you are not free from it yet. You need to think about your husband carefully. Do you WANT to be married to him? Do you still love him? Do you want to get back what you had before? If you do, then yes, I think "where there is life there is hope" and you can work on getting the feeling of happiness back.

However, if you are staying out of fear or apathy then you are throwing away your life.

whereverilaymyhat · 03/05/2014 20:53

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

In answer to those that asked, I stay because I still love him. I know people will question how I can given what he did, but I do. We are also friends, and have a lot in common, so there is always something to talk about, or do, that we both enjoy.

I think the counselling suggestion is a good one. I think I posted because I no longer talk to anyone in RL about this. I had a lot of support at the time, and after, but there is only so long you can expect friends to listen. I don't want to become one of those energy sapping friends people avoid. So thank you for that suggestion.

I'm not staying out of fear or apathy, because I'm not afraid of being alone. Quite the opposite. I quite like the idea. Checking out would be so easy, but it would be very final, and I haven't reached the point where I want to end things forever.

It has helped to write things down, and read other people's opinions. I've taken it on board, and I will try and process things by talking to a professional.

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