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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"Quality time" with dh - do I have unrealistic expectations?

18 replies

emkana · 21/03/2004 20:50

Dh and I always seem to have the same row, repeated every few weeks. I feel that we don't spend enough 'quality time' together, and he basically can't see what I'm getting worked up about. The problem lies in how much 'quality time' we spend together - I think it's too little, he thinks it's ok. During a typical day we talk several times a day on the phone, then in the evening we have dinner together as a family, then we do the "getting the children to bed" thing together. But then... I go on Mumsnet, dh reads the paper. Then dh has a lie down till about 9, while I do a few jobs or watch TV or whatever. After that we sometimes watch something together, but our tastes are very different, so often I'll be on the computer while he watches TV or vice versa. At some stage we'll have a five minute (literally 5 minutes) cuddle and chat, 99 out of a 100 times initiated by me (which really annoys me), and then at about 10 I'll got to bed while he stays up till about midnight. And that's it - we basically hardly spend any time TOGETHER, just under the same roof. Dh reckons that's how couples live, and I'm mad to think that others are having long meaningful conversations at night. In part I'm happy to just live like that, but then a part of me has this nagging feeling that our relationship isn't good enough, that there should be more. So I'd be interested to know what your typical evening is like - is it all candle-lit dinners? (Go on - depress me )

OP posts:
libb · 21/03/2004 20:53

That does sound like one of our average evenings . . except we might periodically pull faces at each other just to check we're both still in the land of the living.

Chinchilla · 21/03/2004 20:56

Yup - sounds like my life too! Do you do stuff at the week-ends?

sobernow · 21/03/2004 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emkana · 21/03/2004 21:00

At the weekend we take it in turns to have a lie-in, and then we spend the days more or less together - today we went to a bird park with the kids, for example. But we also keep taking it in turns throughout Saturday and Sunday to give each other a break - so one looks after the children, the other has a bath or a lie-down or whatever. In the evenings we basically do the same thing again - though last night we watched a video together, again initiated by me after huge row on Friday night (guess what it was about...)

OP posts:
emmatmg · 21/03/2004 21:01

Sounds the 'tmg' household too.

Is your PC is a separate room to the TV? We have a through lounge so Dh will be watching some woodwork thing on discovery home and leisure (!) and I'll be on here, or vice versa so we are together, just not sitting together.

carlyb · 21/03/2004 21:01

emkana - This is our day to day life also.
What we make sure we do is get a babysitter at least once a fortnight and go out on our own for 'qualifty time'. Because we dont do this all the time - it makes those nights much more special. I think it is all about balance and what works for you both. you need time for the children, time to yourselves and ofcourse time for mumsnet!!!

prettycandles · 21/03/2004 21:03

Candle-lit dinners...oh I wish. I don't think you're alone in this, emkana, and I don't think it's right, and I don't think that our dhs/dps realise what it does. Men don't seem to be so analytical - things just are. I think they accept the status quo unless it makes them desperately unhappy, and then they usually look for an external solution, rather than think what they can do to change the way they behave. (I'm probably going to get told off for my sweeping generalisations.)

As to how to get more quality time, I ended up telling my dh 'this is what I need', and he's better able to deal with that, than when I claimed that it was what our relationship needed. After making the effort several times, I think he realised that it was good for both of us to spend some grown-up, time together as a couple, not just as Mummy and Daddy.

jac34 · 21/03/2004 21:04

Sounds pretty normal to me emkana, however we do give the kids their tea early some nights and enjoy a meal together later.I supose about 3 out of 7, that might give you the deep meaningful convesations your looking for.
He does go straight back to playing "Championship Manager" after though, or his new one, "Golf Resort Manager", but then thats if he's not looking at golf clubs on Ebay.

HiddenSpirit · 21/03/2004 21:16

emkana, won't go into detail, but you and your DH spend more time talking to each other than my DP & I.

Sad fact but true

emkana · 22/03/2004 08:48

Well thanks everybody - very glad to hear that we're quite normal! Is there anybody out there who has those candle-lit dinners?

OP posts:
aloha · 22/03/2004 09:03

If you want more time with your dh, why don't you go for a lie down with him? Or get off Mumsnet (shock horror ) and watch a video together or cook a nice dinner and produce a bottle of wine and sit down at the table. It seems to me that you are just as 'guilty' as he is of living separately from your dh (eg Mumsnet isn't an activity you can share) so clearly you are getting something out of it too - like some solitude that you might enjoy more than you think. Is more time together what you really want, or what you think you should have?

handlemecarefully · 22/03/2004 09:05

Emakana,

Similar type of relationship for me and my dh. For the record I think it does impair the quality of the relationship, and certainly impacts upon our sex life (dh can't understand that I am hardly going to be 'up for it' when we've ignored each other all evening)

I too try and explain to dh that we should talk more often etc...he usually agrees, but carries on in the same old way!

motherinferior · 22/03/2004 09:18

Why not do the lie down WITH the nice bottle of wine?

(Evenings in the Inferiority Complex are, of course, a candle-lit vision of seductive bonding. Yeah, right

twiglett · 22/03/2004 09:34

message withdrawn

CountessDracula · 22/03/2004 09:38

Fraid so, we still manage to spend a lot of time together (and still have candlelit dinners at home on our own from time to time...)

Once dd is in bed (between 7.30 and 8pm) we sit down together and have a drink and a chat, then one of us makes dinner while the other helps or just stands there chatting. We then have our dinner and either watch tv or listen to music or if we have something else specific to do (eg at the moment planning building work) then we will sit down and do that together. We usually go to bed around 11, so that's a good 3 or more hours togther every evening. (obv I do pop upstairs onto mumsnet once or twice during the evening, but only for a min or two).

We also go out together at least once a week, sometimes more.

Obv some nights we go out on our own, or dh has client dos at work, so we aren't quite as joined at the hip as it might sound.

miranda2 · 22/03/2004 09:47

We (or I...) invite people round for dinner on Friday evenings (every 3 weeks or so), then he HAS to be back from work at a reasonable hour and we spend an evening having a candlelit dnner wth wine - and proper conversations. Seems to work better with others there - more variety in the conversations, and anything private can then get carried on in bed afterwards.
Other than that, you spend lots more time together than we do - our evenings are like yours but dh doesn't usually get in from work til c.8pm.

harman · 22/03/2004 09:51

Message withdrawn

jasper · 22/03/2004 23:45

sounds like our house too

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